To be upset by this or am I over-reacting?

[redheart]

Could really appreciate some perspective on this!

I have been under a lot of stress lately but am finding the behaviour of my best friend quite upsetting and wondered if my feelings are justified or if I am over-reacting somewhat. ( Which I realise is very possible!). We have been best friends for 13 years, but she is quite set in her ways and things always have to be on her terms (but I am okay with this, it's always been me fitting in around her and if it means I keep her friendship I am willing to do it).

I had to move house recently, not my choosing and quite a bit further away than before. She was not happy about this and has been 'off' with me since then. We both drive but has stated on more than one occasion that she where I live is ''ages away'' and she doesn't want to come over here. That's Fine.

Seems she has increasingly distanced herself since the move etc. We would normally text each other everyday. (we are both in the same profession and like to share things that have happened that day) but this year I have a nice class and she doesn?t ? she doesn?t seem very happy with this and pulls a 'cats bum face' when I talk about nice things my class have done. ( hers are a nightmare and it seems the fact that mine are not annoys her. Mine were a nightmare last year and she was a lot more friendly then!).

We usually meet up in half term but she informed me she was so busy this half term she couldn't see me, sending me a text telling me everything she was doing on each day. She did manage to squeeze me in but still felt like it was a bit of an effort.

To add to this, I was involved in a car accident recently which has left me needing physio to recover etc. When she found out about it all, her first reaction was ?won?t you claiming against him affect his insurance?!? and telling me how unfair it was on him that his premium would go through the roof and asking me if I was sure I actually needed physio etc.

I really don't know what I can do to get our friendship back to what it was. I am sure you're probably thinking I should just socialise with my other friends but truthfully she is one of my only friends that I would consider myself good friends with outside work that I ( would usually) see on a regular basis including meeting at the pool or gym etc.

Any advice? I am also single so can't even moan to a DP about any of this. Spose I am feeling lonely and don?t know how to make new friends. I have moved to a small village where most people are considerably older than me and don't know what I can do to socialise more or make some new friends. :(

[FabbyChic]

She sounds jealous and prefers it when things are going bad for you because then it makes her life seem so much better.

I'd personally find some other friends to hang out with.

[rubyslippers]

Ask her outright

I would - make it friendly tho, something along the lines of your post (being factual) and see what she says

It sounds odd

[MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll]

She doesn't sound like a good friend to me...sorry you feel bad. Could you join any clubs to make new friends? What are your interests?

[redheart]

Don't know of any local clubs. I like scrapbooking, although I don't get much time for it!

[thisisyesterday]

she doesn't sound like a very good friend to me tbh, sorry.

you have nothing to lose by asking her why she is being "off" with you IMO

[redheart]

I am scared to ask incase I loose her friendship all together

[blackoutthesun]

redheart

i think you need to ask yourself what you get out of this 'friendship'

i know what you mean about loneiness, i've not long moved from friends and family and its crap

[thisisyesterday]

ok but she isn't really a friend is she?
she won't even come and see you because you live too far away?? she gets arsey because you're having a nice time at work? she has a go at you when you are injured in a car accident? everything is on her teerms?

that isn't a friend! :(

[Rhubarbgarden]

This friend is all take and no give. Time to move on. There must be some local groups you can join to meet new people. Get googling!

[Rosmarin]

Do yourself a favour and find someone who cares about you! You sound lovely and like a good friend and there are people out there who will appreciate and reciprocate that, but this woman clearly doesn't like it when things go well for you and doesn't support you. Don't compromise on yours needs or bend over backwards just to keep her friendship because it doesn't sound worth it at all (you haven't mentioned what you feel you get out of the friendship so I'm going on your OP). Loneliness is a scary prospect but if you need to, put an ad in the paper for a scrapbooking/walking/swimming partner and go from there. That's what I did thanks to an MN suggestion and I met someone great.

That she wasn't concerned for you after your crash is really surprising. Are you getting better?

[redheart]

Thanks. To be fair to her, she did ask how I was after the accident but then launched into it being hard for the guy who hit me

Not thought of an ad in the paper, thanks for suggestion

[SoftKittyWarmKitty]

Sorry but she sounds completely selfish and unsupportive. So what if she freaks out at you pulling her up on her attitude - you're better off without her if she's going to be like that imo. And you never know, it may make her realise that if she keeps behaving as she does, she'll lose your friendship and she may do a U turn. People will treat you how you allow them to. Don't let her treat you this badly.

Could you make new friends at work? Or maybe try MN local to meet new friends?

At the moment she's certainly no friend.

[thisisyesterday]

whereabouts are you redheart? if you're in the south-east then I would love to meet up with you. I don't have many friends either

[HecateGoddessOfTheNight]

sorry, but I am struggling to see this 'good friend' that you talk of. In what ways is she a good friend to you?

[cerealqueen]

Sounds like she is peeved when she isn't the centre of your life and plans and she has to make any effort.
Agree with Hecate, please tell us how she has been a friend when you have needed one? Saw somebody on the boards tonight describe people as drains or radiators. She is a drain.

[Asteria]

she sounds like a classic toxic friend... if you have the energy and inclination to be a "giver" then that is fine, however she won't change

[PeelThemWithTheirMetalKnives]

Could you start a scrapbooking group in your local village hall? Just once a month or so. Even if everybody is older you'd still be meeting people and that might lead to meeting people more your own age. I would take a step back from your friend. It's not worth trying too hard with her if she's making you feel bad.

[ouryve]

Friendships are supposed to be mutually beneficial, no?

Move on.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

You may consider her to be your best friend, but I'd reckon she doesn't consider you in the same way. I cannot see anything friendly in the behaviour you describe. She's only nice to you when things are going worse for you than for her (e.g. classes). When you are at her beck and call (she was not happy about you moving). You were involved in a car accident, and the only thing she worries about is the other driver's insurance premiums. I mean, what the actual fuck is that about?

She appears to be doing the emotional version of having an 'ugly' companion to stand next to, so that she can consider herself to be 'the pretty one'. She does not look on you as a friend, but as someone to serve her insecurities. Because if you're willing to run around after her - and it does sound as if you are - then she must be worth running after. But she has to keep you on your toes, dancing attendance to her, to get her 'fix'.

"I really don't know what I can do to get our friendship back to what it was."
Hopefully nothing. Because 'what it was' is deeply unhealthy to your self-respect. She has got you convinced that her shit behaviour is all that you are worth. And you are worth considerably more than that, redheart.

[CopperLocs]

This is a toxic friendship. If you're scared to address something with someone incase it makes you lose their friendship, they really aren't your friend at all.

Take it from someone with far too much experience in these situations.

You will be ok if you turn your back on this friendship even if it hurts for a bit, it won't hurt forever. New home, new begining. Sounds like perfect timing to me.

[redheart]

Depending on what you consider to be the south east thisisyesterday, I would say yes I am also in the south east!

Whereyouleftit- funny you should say that, I am fat and she is thin, so she probably does make herself feel better and see herself as the pretty one!

[redheart]

There has been some ( sort of) progress!

She text me yesterday and commented about how busy she was and a few other things. I used one of her favourite text responses where she just writes "I c" to me when she is annoyed. of course she always denies this but I know she is. I did it to her a few times and she said "I see you're annoyed at me"!

[ZillionChocolate]

Your update sounds like the petty point scoring teenagers might do. If it doesn't have the desired effect, I agree that you should question where this friendship is going. In any event, it would be a good idea to look for ways to meet new people so that you're not so dependent on her.

Good luck!

[redheart]

ZillionChocolate - I wasn't trying to be petty tbh, just wanted to try and show her I was annoyed without confronting her directly - I hate confrontation or upsetting people!

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"She text me yesterday and commented about how busy she was and a few other things."
I think the translation for this would be "I haven't had you dance attendance on me lately, time to pull your strings". Try not being too available to her for a while OP, try and ease yourself out of this relationship.