AIBU to say something about this toddler's behaviour?

[poppygolucky]

SIL has a 22 month old DD who is first grandchild for ILs. Naturally she is doted upon and is very much the centre of her GPs' world, as they care for her 4/5 days a week inc overnight due to SIL's job. She is a beautiful, bright little girl who has excellent language skills for her age, and I do really love and care for her.

However, her behaviour over the past couple if months is getting quite difficult. I have a 4 month old DD, and this little girl is not handling her GP's showing affection for another child. She cries and kicks up a fuss when MIL holds my DD. She takes her toys away and is very rough with her etc. She has also taken to being very rude with me, hitting me, shouting at me to go away and snatching things off me, shouting 'mine'. She also throws food around, deliberately breaks toys etc.

I am fully aware that this is all normal behaviour for a toddler and part of 'terrible twos'. However, SIL and MIL make NO ATTEMPT to correct her behaviour or discipline her in any way. Indeed, most of the time they laugh and say things like "Eee, isn't she funny". In my family, behaviour like this is always pulled up, and I honestly think they are doing this little girl no favours by allowing her to behave like this. She has never been around any other children and therefore I do worry about my DD when she is with her.

AIBU to say something? So difficult because it's not my family. DP often at work so doesn't see much of the behaviour, and he completely adores his niece so I don't want to seem like I'm criticising her. To be fair, it's not her. It's the fact nobody seems to be challenging her behaviour.

[LikeACandleButNotQuite]

I would be passive agressive about it
Maybe throw in a few "now, now, DN, that's quite enough otherwise other children aren't going to want to play with you are they?" every time she roughshods your DD
She wont have a clue, but it would be for the beneit of SIL MIL really.

[AKMD]

Unless you see them very regularly, I wouldn't say anything. If her behaviour towards you or your DD isn't good then feel free to say something directly to her, but the wider parenting choices your SIL makes are otherwise none of your concern. Unfortunately.

[Sapphirefling]

I wouldn't say anything directly as you really do risk causing a huge family rift. And I have learned from experience that your very own angelic 4 month old may turn out to be a difficult toddler...
I would do some of the good natured but firm 'gently please' if she is rough with the baby etc. At 4 months though you should really be able to protect DD pretty well from being man handled ?

[banana87]

YANBU, you have to say something.

I had a friend whose DD was similar age to mine (2.5 at the time). She always snatched toys from my DD, pushed her, hit her, and was genuinely naughty and had no respect. The mum never said or did anything. I didn't say anything for a long time and then it came to a head. We are no longer friends. Her way of "discipline" is to talk calmly to the child and not make her apologize. Doesn't believe in time out or the word "no".

I guess what I'm dating is be prepared that things may not end well, but you must say something.

[SenoritaViva]

I would speak to your DH and say what you've said in your post. You sound lovely and uncritical and I don't think he'll see this as a problem. I think it might be better coming from him as the immediate family member. As you say, it's in your niece's best interests.

[slavetofilofax]

You should nly say something if the behaviour affects you or your dd. Otherwise it's not your place. And if she does do anything, then you just tell her off as you normally would.

[fatfingers]

This is very annoying. If she took toys away from my child or directly did something to my child, I would tell her nicely not to do it or say "we must be gentle with babies". If she was rude to me I would say "that is not very nice". I wouldn't actually say anything to her parents about her behaviour unless they said something about me correcting her.

[worraliberty]

If you see a lot of her then I'd speak to her directly....maybe your PILs will then get the hint.

I have to say though, you do sound quite distant from them in the language you're using...."This toddler" "Not my family" and "DH's Niece"

They are your family

[SmethWitchBelle]

Yes the behaviour is fairly normal but you're right they should pull her up on it. MY DS2 is 23 months and he's very possessive and agressive at times - but I certainly don't leave him to it or encourage him!

We're not really at the reasoned debate stage but I'll intervene and remove him from the fun/the situation at the first instance of him lashing out. If there's more than a few episodes when playing with others I'll just leave and go home.

Maybe you could say something to the ILs that's lighthearted but with a point e.g. "Let's just ignore this tantrum otherwise she's going to think she's got an audience!"

You need to cultivate a hard stare for the other child. A good withering one.

[purplepidjin]

Can you play up the relationship betwen the two children, maybe say "Be gentle with your cousin" and things like that, to encourage your niece to view the baby as someone in her family rather than The Usurper Of Attention?

[poppygolucky]

worraliberty Saying 'this toddler' I agree sounds wrong. Should've said DN, as I do think of her like that. And yes I know they are my family through DP, but what I mean is not my blood relatives. I have no problem at all disciplining neices and nephews on my side of family as I know we all have same ideas about raising kids.

Sapphire Lots of experience with angel babies turning into naughty toddlers so under no illusions there. It's more the fact that nothing is being said to correct her behaviour.

[KurriKurri]

Obviously a combination of normal toddler behaviour and some jealousy over your new baby.

If she does anything directly to you or the baby I would gently but firmly correct, but I'd start out with a more pro active approach, encouraging her and praising her regarding your baby. 'She likes you DN, look how she's watching you play', 'can you be my special helper and give me the cotton wool', 'she loves it when you stroke her hand very gently' etc etc. - similar to what you would do if they were siblings.

Lots of cuddles and affection and commenting on what she's doing, wearing, saying etc.

If she's been doted on, then she's finding it hard to adjust to the new family dynamic.

[poppygolucky]

Kurri I do those things a lot, as know praise and encouragement are important. Up until a month ago, I would say this (coupled with distractions) was working but she now won't have any of it and is acting up whenever we go round.

Thanks for replies everyone. Will try and gently approach it with DP and see what he says.

[KurriKurri]

poppy - reading back my post might have sounded a bit patronising - I didn't mean it that way, - but if it's any comfort, their behaviour does change a lot at this age and, she may well calm down, especially when your DD is crawling around and she can play with her more.

I do appreciate what you say about granny and SIL being a bit too 'hands off' in their approach!

[skybluepearl]

I think you can do a few things

• demonstrate how to do baby patting 'gently'. Take toddlers hand and show her. Give lots of praise and show her how to best interact.
  

• have some cuddly one to one time reading books with toddler. It sounds like she just want attention.
  

• start teaching taking turns. Babies TURN now but you can have toy when she is finished? .... can baby have a TURN with x toy after you have finished?
  

• give her Mum/Dad super nanny book or christopher greens toddler taming book as a Xmas gift. Or say you have finished reading the books yourself and you have been saving them for her cos you know things are difficult at the moment. Might open up discussion and you can say what works for you and also what bits you struggle with.
  

• Talk to MIL about how SIL seems to be struggling to dicipline child. Give her the above books if you think it mihgt help.
  

• don't tolerate any hitting at all. Could you put child in time out? Done fairly and calmly i can't see the problem. She will probably kick off at first but will then like the set boundaries after a few times.
  

• if being attacked/spoken rudely to, can you just walk off and go into another room/garden and show no interest in kid at all. centre all your attention on baby and other adults and away from naughty kid.
  

• leave the house calmly but pointedly if things get too much. explain the child seems to be getting away with a lot of bad beaviour and that you and baby are finding it very difficult.
  

• get DH on side and highlight the main issues

[poppygolucky]

Didn't read it as patronising Kurri :)

I do believe in carrot more than stick, but I do think kids need to hear no. And learn what is acceptable behaviour and what isn't. But I think the posters who said I should only say something if it directly affects me or DD are right and i'll have to just keep my mouth shut about any other behaviour.

[poppygolucky]

Thanks skyblue, loads of good ideas there.