To think my sister should just go back to work

(144 Posts)
allmyfriendsaremarried Mon 17-Oct-11 20:01:26

I know everyone is having a tough time at the moment but I am beginning to wonder if my sister is being unrealistic about being a SAHM. She has a 4 year old (now at school) and a one year old. Her husband works for the council in what was a well paid job but due to cut backs they are beginning to struggle financially. Personally I would think that returning to some sort of part time work would be beneficial for all now. She is very funny about this sort of thing and thinks that pre school child care is the work of the devil and that mums who return to work are bad mothers. Most of my friends with babies have returned to work once their children are one years old mainly for financial reasons and I can see they are not bad parents. So AIBU or is she BU. It does grate on me that I work to support my lifestyle so why shouldn't she, after all they chose to have children? Sorry if this seems harsh but I am getting a bit fed up of hearing how hard up they are.

newbiedoobiedoo Mon 17-Oct-11 20:19:03

"Actually before you all think I am an awful sister, I am the one who is always there for a chat when things are going wrong no matter what time of night or day, remembers birthdays etc and picks thoughtful presents that mean stuff to those that recieve them"

Yeah, and then bitch about it on the internet! smile If she doesn't want to go back to work then she doesn't want to! There's no law to say you have to listen to her moan about being on rations! And tbh it doesn't come across as you trying to find suggestions to help her, just wanting to moan about you working and her not!

TheSecondComing Mon 17-Oct-11 20:22:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

halcyondays Mon 17-Oct-11 20:23:16

Tbh struggling a bit financially is just part and parcel of parenthood for an awful lot of people unless they have a very good job or relatives who provide free childcare. If not then families usually have a big drop in earnings in the early years because either one parent stops work or else they have bug childcare bills. Of course going back to work doesn't make someone a bad parent but it's her decision.

allmyfriendsaremarried Mon 17-Oct-11 20:27:07

I came on to ask if I was being unreasonable, which it is apparent you think I am. I still don't see the reason for all the vehemence, we are all having a rough time of it, but I still believe that eventually if you try to help yourself then things get better. I can only draw my opinions on what I see happening to my friends so was hoping to draw on a wider pool of knowledge from here..... hmm

Melissad Mon 17-Oct-11 20:28:04

YABVU.
I spent about nine years as a SAHM (including almost two years when both girls were at school full time whilst I watched Loose Women looked for work) and I loved almost every minute of it. I'm 100% sure it was the right thing to do. I love working part time now, but didn't want to work when they were preschool age and didn't. My husband supported that 100%.
Are you a little bit envious of her being a sahm because you'd prefer to do that, if you could?

Miette Mon 17-Oct-11 20:29:03

Just tell her that you don't want to hear her complaining about being poor as you don't approve of her wanting to look after her baby herself. I'm sure it will go down very well.

whackamole Mon 17-Oct-11 20:29:29

YABU, it has nothing to do with you.

BUT YWNBU to tell her to stop moaning she could change things a bit but won't.

Have you tried asking her what she thinks the answer is?

OriginalGhoster Mon 17-Oct-11 20:29:44

She must have considered her options. MYOB.

Does she critisise your choices, too?

YABU.

toptramp Mon 17-Oct-11 20:29:55

As your sister is making it your business by winging to you; yanbu.

Jawbreaker Mon 17-Oct-11 20:31:17

YABU, nosey and judgemental. It's absolutely none of your business how your sister and her husband manage their childcare, finances or any aspect of their lifestyle.

I think people are being a bit harsh
Imagine the reaction if the sister posted here
It would be
GET
A
JOB

allmyfriendsaremarried Mon 17-Oct-11 20:32:22

OriginalGhoster - she actually says she envies my lifestyle, which I tell her is silly as I only tell her the good bits and the bad bits are not at all that nice.

AmberLeaf Mon 17-Oct-11 20:32:59

It does grate on me that I work to support my lifestyle so why shouldn't she

YABU and jealous.

cheeseandmarmitesandwich Mon 17-Oct-11 20:35:40

Do you have kids? If not it will be v hard for you to see things from her perspective. It is v hard to get a part time job that pays enough to have much left over after paying 2 lots of childcare- even if the eldest is in school there is still after school club etc to think about. Plus if she has been out of the workplace for a while it will be even tougher.

I'm sure she could get a job in a supermarket etc in the evenings. And I'm sure she knows it and has wrestled with whether it's worth it, like many of us have, especially if she has had a professional job before. Also, if she has been very vocal about being a SAHM before things were so tight financially she might feel she will lose face if she changes her mind.

I would either try and make helpful suggestions about cutting costs/budgeting/selling stuff on ebay or just steer the conversation to something else.

cheeseandmarmitesandwich Mon 17-Oct-11 20:35:40

Do you have kids? If not it will be v hard for you to see things from her perspective. It is v hard to get a part time job that pays enough to have much left over after paying 2 lots of childcare- even if the eldest is in school there is still after school club etc to think about. Plus if she has been out of the workplace for a while it will be even tougher.

I'm sure she could get a job in a supermarket etc in the evenings. And I'm sure she knows it and has wrestled with whether it's worth it, like many of us have, especially if she has had a professional job before. Also, if she has been very vocal about being a SAHM before things were so tight financially she might feel she will lose face if she changes her mind.

I would either try and make helpful suggestions about cutting costs/budgeting/selling stuff on ebay or just steer the conversation to something else.

RIZZ0 Mon 17-Oct-11 20:37:52

<waits>

Och, where is she?!

YABU btw

allmyfriendsaremarried Mon 17-Oct-11 20:37:53

AmberLeaf - see my above comment

MillyR Mon 17-Oct-11 20:43:16

I don't really understand your point. You are saying you are working to support your lifestyle (by which you mean you support only yourself, unless you also care for some elderly aunt and a couple of foster kids that you didn't mention), while you think she should do the same (by which you actually mean that she stop the work of looking after her kids 24 hours and spend part of that time working for pay to support her kids).

I fail to sure how you providing for yourself and her and her DH trying to work things out so they can provide and care for 2 extra people are in any way comparable.

shineynewthings Mon 17-Oct-11 20:43:34

Well that's what sisters are for to provide a listening and tolerant ear whilst you moan about the same thing over and over again. You are being reasonably unreasonable though.

Naturally you're concerned for your sister and her family, but some mums just want to stay at home with their DCs and they should be able to, no matter what position they form that stance from. Do you have DCs yet? if not just you wait, even mums who happily trot of to work often feel a twinge when they have to leave their DCs behind.

IMO, your sister's not wrong to winge and complain, I think it's dreadful that women are more or less forced by economics to work and leave their DCS (sometimes babies) in day care even if they have a husband that works full time, I mean what is the point? Wages are shit...

IntergalacticHussy Mon 17-Oct-11 20:50:14

'it does grate on me that i work to support my lifestyle so why shouldn't she?'

i'm sorry but you haven't done yourself any favours with that question.

Firstly, you say they're beginning to struggle financially on one income, which presumably means that they don't enjoy the same 'lifestyle' as you put it.

Secondly, she is working. As a mum!

You do seem to be getting a bit of a pasting here, OP. Maybe it is none of your business - but by repeatedly moaning about it to you, she is kind of making it your business, or at the very least soliciting your interest in her business.

Personally, if someone's going to moan repeatedly to me about being hard up, while taking no measures to improve the situation, then I'd probably start being blunt with them too (along the lines of "You have two options - spend less or earn more). And being your sister kind of gives you carte blanche - well it does in my family anyway and I have the scars to prove it grin.

Maybe next time she starts, you should keep bouncing it back at her with "Well how do you think you can improve the situation?" type comments. I'd be disinclined to let her drone on endlessly.

SansaLannister Mon 17-Oct-11 21:09:31

Not your business.

allmyfriendsaremarried Mon 17-Oct-11 21:13:30

Thanks Whereyouleftit and the others that have atleast acknowledged that by constantly telling me about it, is making it my business. I shall take on what you have suggested.

pinkytheshrunkenhead Mon 17-Oct-11 21:13:51

You just sound a bit jealous. Everyone likes a moan just suck it up because it is none of your business

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now