AIBU to cut all contact with my older sister?

[TotallyKerplunked]

This is a long one, sorry. Background is our parents divorced when we were 9 and 5 due to DFs violence, after my Dsis chose to live with DF while I lived with DM. DM allowed my Dsis to chose as she just wanted her to be happy.

Once everything had been settled DF cut all contact, he didn't allow us to see Dsis and he didn't see me. DM spent years going through the courts to see Dsis and eventually (7 years later) got regular contact through Dsis school.

Dsis has always refused to believe that she chose to live with DF, dispite DM showing her the court documents and my recollections being asked by the judge who I wanted to live with as DF had always told her that DM had dumped her (he never gave her any of the cards/presents that DM sent).

3 years later she cut contact with DF and moved in with her BF. I hoped this was a turning point for us all to have a closer relationship but she has always maintained a distance and occasional open unpleasantness if we dont do exactally what she wants. DM and I have to do all the chasing to maintain the relationship and if we dont call/visit/buy her things/take her places as often as she thinks we should things get nasty, she never phoned/visited us.

Theres been loads of incidents over the years, examples include annoucing to everyone at a family celebration that I was a lesbian (ah, no, but very embarrassing). She was utterly vile in the lead up/my wedding, apparently I didn't deserve a nice wedding because she didn't have one, WTF! I'd had an MC a month before the wedding and really didn't need that from her, surely she could have kept her own shit to herself for one day? She was rude to several guests and told her kids there were dead people in the church who would "get them" so the service was delayed while I calmed the kids and persuaded them to come in.

Things got worse 6 months ago, me PG and suffering, Dsis went mental that I hadn't been round to visit in a few weeks and had missed taking the kids to the cinema. I was still trying to work FT around being ill, she never once phoned or visited me in that time (Dsis SAHM, kids at school). DM questioned her and received a torrent of abuse, stating that I had always been DMs favourite and once i'd had a DD neither of us would have anything to do with her as we'd have replaced her, she accused DM of funding my wedding and fertility treatment (umm no that was my PIL) and called DM and our SBros some very unpleasant things and told her she wouldn't allow us to see her kids anymore. DM upset and said if she felt that way then we would leave the relationship in her hands and if she wanted contact then she could call and discuss things and we would go from there.

Since then we have sent cards/gifts for birthdays but recieved no acknowledgement. When I had my DS (not a DD as she thought) 6 weeks ago I sent pictures and a letter, still nothing, quite hurt by this as when Dsis had her kids I spent lots of time helping out as she had PND and helped as much as possible when kids diagnosed with learning difficulties.

Now x-mas is coming up I dont want to spend waste money on this situation anymore, whatever her issue is, 30 years of blaming/hating us is long enough, I strongly suspect she still believes DM abandoned her and that she is jealous of me/relationship I have with DM and feels I dont deserve this so she behaves badly to make her point.

DM not happy with my choice but i'm on maternity leave with likely no job to go back to (so no money).

AIBU to not bother with them anymore?

[Kayano]

I would tell her to do one

She has had enough chances

[PomBearAtTheGatesOfDawn]

It doesn't truly matter what your reasons are, just because you are related to someone does not mean you are obliged to have contact with them/see them/interact with them.
I can understand your mum wanting her children to get along, but in the end, it's up to you - just try not to "rant" or say anything that will upset your mum, be calm and reasonable, but stick to your guns.
I barely speak to my sister, and it does upset my mam but I try not to rant not always successfully admittedly and basically avoid my sister as much as I can without making a big thing of it. If I had my way I would never ever have to lay eyes on her again, and do my best not to - it's just how things turned out.

[Doodlez]

Don't make her children pay/miss out. Send cards and little gifts - keep that communication channel open at least.

[BatsUpMeNightie]

Agree with Kayano - this 'relationship' is bringing nothing positive to your life. Dump her and move on.

[LydiaWickham]

She is a grown up, she is not a little girl. If she wants to act up, people will dump her, you don't have to put up with this shit. cut her out, if she wants back into your life, she has to earn her way back in.

[diddl]

I find it really odd that she was allowed to choose who to live with when so young & that your mum was happy to let her stay with a violent man.

[Birdsgottafly]

She needs to go to counselling, she isn't going to get what she wants from treating you badly.

Her relationship with your DM is a separate issue and you should keep it that way. Your DM needs to not get involved between you, as she will see this as your DM siding with you, you or your DM cannot win in all of this.

TBH, she shouldn't have been given the choice if your DF was violent, but your DM cannot change the past, it is now about finding a way to move forward.

[troisgarcons]

TBH 'cut contact' is always so final . If I were you (which Im not) rather than 'cut contact' I'd just let things slide ..... bit of a cowards way out but the door remains open in the future if it's ever needed . Just let it go, but without any great finality.

[ENormaSnob]

What diddl said.

[ChickensHaveNoEyebrows]

I feel a bit sorry for her, tbh. And what diddl said.

[TotallyKerplunked]

PPL have asked why Dsis allowed to choose to live with DF. DM took us to a refuge as she had nowhere else to go to escape him, Dsis refused to stay (screamed/argued) and phoned DF to collect her. She was 9, DF never violent towards her, she was the apple of his eye.

[diddl]

And if sister was the 5yr old I find it odder still that she was given any say.

[redexpat]

I wouldn't cut contact, but I would stop initiating it. Send cards and presents to her kids. As others have said, she needs counselling and needs to learn that relationships are a two way street. x

[diddl]

Oh, x post, sorry.

[helpmabob]

What about family counselling, there is so much trauma for you all to work through. It is a sad situation

[diddl]

She does sound in need of help.

Why doesn´t she believe that she chose her father & why did she leave him as soon as she could?

Perhaps she blames your mum for allowing her to leave you both to go to her father?

[TotallyKerplunked]

diddl
As far as I know DF poisoned her mind, if someone tells you something often enough (like your DM abandoned you) you come to believe it, he was a very bitter man, angry DM had dared to leave him and when he couldn't intimidate her into coming back he cut Dsis off from us.
Dsis left DF as he prioritised his later marriages (4 in all) over her and would often abandon her with a great aunt for months at a time, we didn't know this at the time, Dsis/aunt/SS never bothered to inform DM what was going on so she could push for custody.

[mynewpassion]

I feel pity and sympathy for your sister. At nine and not understanding what's going on, your mother let her go back to an abuser. So what if he never physically abused her, he emotionally abused her by saying that your mother and you essentially just abandoned her. You give an out by saying she's the apple of his eye. Of course, she was. He brainwashed her. As he kept presents, letters, phone calls, and court documents away from her, she has no choice but to believe that he was telling the truth. Then later he abandons her, too. She probably believes that your mother didn't love her and abandoned her just as your father didn't love her either because he did the same thing.

By the time your mother eventually got in touch with her again, she was 16/17. She was already indoctrinated with your mother's lack of love. I am surprised your mother didn't check up on her every so often or she would've discovered about your father abandoning your sister.

She needs counseling to let go of this anger but her actions, to me, seems as she is torturing you both for leaving her behind. You got to see this from her point and kind of say she shouldn't be angry because she brought it on herself by choosing to stay with him per the court documents.

Getting back to your question, I wouldn't cut off contact but I would take a step back and let her initiate things. She's not going to listen to you or your mother about seeking some counseling but maybe her DH/DP will be able to help her.

[pigletmania]

I would cut the relationship, she sounds very toxic and in need of Counselling. She has had enough chances, tbh from the outside she sounds like a thoroughly unpleasant person.

[pigletmania]

Just because she is family does not mean you have to tolerate and put up with a toxic unpleasant person. My toxic sister cut me off years ago, and its like a weight has been lifted from my life. She totally resented me and my mum (our dad was married before and we have different mums). She was cold, resentful, self centred. My life is a lot happier without that contact. You can pick and choose your friends but unfortunately not your family, would you put up with this behaviour from a friend, no! There is no harm in just letting things go and getting on with your own life.

[Bearskinwoolies]

YANBU - she sounds very conflicted and until she resolves how she feels, it would be better to let things slide. You really don't want to expose your dcs to her whilst she's like this, do you?

Let her initiate contact, as the longer this goes on, with you and your dm making all the effort, the longer she will carry on behaving this way. You wouldn't keep in contact with a friend who behaved this way, so why allow her to hurt you, and keep on hurting you?

Hope things improve.

[springydaffs]

If you cut contact this will confirm what she has been pushing for. I agree to let things slide so that the door is at least ajar, not firmly shut. I think that whatever you do it won't be good enough so step back for your own sanity but don't cut her off entirely.

I'd get some info iiwy eg therapy, study, whatever; so that you at least have some idea what is going on with her and won't take it personally (even if it personally meant, it isn't really, it's her stuff). Sometimes the apple doesn't fall far from the tree - but, even without that, your dad stole her childhood and fucked her head and heart right up. He didn't love her is the bottom line and he was all she had.

[pigletmania]

Whatever it is, its not your fault and why should you be on the receiving end. She is an adult responsible for her behaviour, and she should seek help herself. Just because she is family does not mean you have to take it!

[pigletmania]

Definitely step back and let things go.

[springydaffs]

she was NINE when the court asked her to choose mynewpassion. She was a child! YOu can't say to her 'well, you chose to leave' - ridiculous! He already had his claws into her by then anyway. I dread to think what he did to her.