SAHD who doesn't do housework?

(237 Posts)
bushymcbush Fri 16-Sep-11 16:54:49

My DH looks after our DD (3yo) full time and I work (stressful and tiring job) full time.

Now, I know his job is looking after DD but I know when I did that job, I looked after the house too. It wasn't perfect but I tried to keep on top of the basics.

A year into our arrangement and his levels of housework are at an all time low.

He does cook almost every evening, and usually makes attempts to keep the kitchen tidy (not clean), but that's it.

The washing is constantly spilling out of the basket or sitting in clean baskets un sorted.

The carpets and floors are filthy.

The bathroom is filthy.

The house smells.

I often get home from work to find lunch and / or breakfast things all over the table still, DD watching TV and the dog unwalked.

AIBU to expect more?

ImNotMyselfToday Fri 16-Sep-11 18:01:09

YANBU - my DH was SAHP with three DCs. He said that looking after DCs and doing the housework was his job. At weekends we shared housework but the majority was done in the week.

Why on earth can he not do the laundry? I take it you dont demand that he goes down to the river and beat it on rocks? Sort laundry into colours, put load into washing machine, add soap, switch on. Go back to whatever he was doing.

Sorry, it sounds like he should be getting back to work though how he will manage with such a lazy attitude I dont know.

MerylStrop Fri 16-Sep-11 18:01:44

YANBU to expect more
Not, maybe for him to do it all - but to bung a washload on every day, and clean up after himself and dd as he goes along
DH and I run our own business and share that and the childcare. Whoever is at home with the kids makes sure at least that the house is not in a worse state at the end of the day than it was at the beginning. The bigger jobs get shared between us at the weekends.
Is it possible that he might be a bit depressed?

ImNotMyselfToday Fri 16-Sep-11 18:04:37

If he isnt doing the housework then what on earth does he do all day? This from my DH BTW!

nomoreheels Fri 16-Sep-11 18:05:25

I have a 4 month old DD who is teething & is a fairly velcro baby, & I manage to keep on top of things most of the time. But I loathe living in mess, & I love getting the front room all nice & clean with fresh flowers etc so I can relax in pleasant surroundings once she's in bed. Your DP sounds like he isn't bothered. He actually sounds like his outlook is a bit 'student hovel' from the way you described him. It's fine to plonk DCs in front of cbeebies for a break, but if he has that much time to fritter away on gaming etc then he has time to do at least the basics which would take no more than an hour or so over the day.

If I had 2.5 days of child free time a week & I wasn't earning, I would spend at least a good chunk of that blitzing for a good few hours, rather than the 20 mins here & there I have to do now because of DD not wanting me to be out of her sight. Because that's what you do as a partnership to keep things ticking along.

You sound perfectly happy to help with stuff at weekends & a bit in the evening, & that's fair.

I wish my DP did more at weekends & in the evenings, though he has been good about helping her with bath/bed routine & sorting out her bottles. He usually needs to be told what to do & then will, but he rarely springs to action unprompted. Although once in a while he will scrub a room top to bottom & does an ace job, so I know he's capable. He has admitted he's just lazy.

CailinDana Fri 16-Sep-11 18:06:17

I'm rather tickled by this thread. I started a thread recently where I asked WIBU not to do my DH's washing. I am a SAHM and I do practically all the housework, apart from DH's washing. I was told I was unloving, selfish, petty, mean, a bad wife, neglecting my children (not sure where that came from really), about to be abandoned, underwear phobic (really weird one), odd etc etc etc. It was basically assumed that I should be doing all the work in the house that doing it was an act of love So, applying mumsnet standards I think you should tell your DH he absolutely has to wash your knickers or you'll be giving him his marching orders.

SouthernFriedTofu Fri 16-Sep-11 18:08:19

nomoreheels a 4 month old is much easier to store while you clean that a 3 year old.

SouthernFriedTofu Fri 16-Sep-11 18:08:53

that=than

TheBolter Fri 16-Sep-11 18:09:06

There is no reason why a SAHP cannot bung some washing in the machine and keep the house in order. SN aside, looking after children is that all-encompassing... and I say that as a former SAHM who managed to keep on top of things even when the dds were newborn and one.

TheBolter Fri 16-Sep-11 18:09:40

not that all-encompassing

SouthernFriedTofu Fri 16-Sep-11 18:09:53

CailinDana mumsnet is weird in gneral about underwear

TotemPole Fri 16-Sep-11 18:10:14

Both days he dropped her off and went straight over to his mate's place to help him decorate.

Your home should take priority over a mate's. Do you think it's all getting too much so he's escaping? You could suggest after they've finished decorating his mate comes round to yours to help him tidy up.

Or you could come up with a schedule for you both to get the place cleaned up. If you help him he might be better at keeping on top of it day to day. Then give him a weekly rota to stick to, suggest what's easier to do when your DD is around. At that age they like helping with changing beds, sorting laundry etc. But also plan for relaxation time for you both.

CailinDana Fri 16-Sep-11 18:10:16

haha really tofu?

Bootcamp Fri 16-Sep-11 18:13:04

Not sure about 4 month old being easier to store?

SouthernFriedTofu Fri 16-Sep-11 18:15:36

oh god yes, for intresting reading see here

MardyArsedMidlander Fri 16-Sep-11 18:15:45

To be frank- if he's not doing the housework and he's not actively looking after the child (ie plonking her in front of the TV) he might as well go back to work so you can pay for a nursery and a cleaner.

LadyGrace Fri 16-Sep-11 18:21:01

Do you have any kind of routine for cleaning stuff, OP?

You could agree a very basic list eg

Every day-empty dishwasher am
fill dishwasher during day, run in the evening
Wipe kitchen surfaces
Put away toys
Make bed
Clothes wash if there's enough for a full load

Monday Change beds and wash bedding,
Tues Change and wash towels and teatowels
Weds Quick clean bathroom and downstairs loo
Thurs Chuck out any spare papers/magazines/file paperwork
Fri Quick whizz round living room picking stuff up and putting away

I'd make that less than 30 mins of housework a day, and it would make your house a much nicer place to be in.

I don't think a SAHP is a full time cleaner, but I don't think ^ that is asking too much!

CailinDana I don't think its reasonable to expect a SAHP to be solely responsible for the housework (and the younger the child the less reasonable it is) and if you don't want to wash your DH's stuff that's up to you. I would never expect DH to do my ironing nor would I expect him to cook a non meat meal for me if he has cooked a meaty meal for himself and the kids (its my choice not to eat meat so I can sort it).

Underwear phobic is bizarre, having said that I am probably a bit phobic about DH's socks as at times they could walk to the machine themselves.

I think most of us are only talking about the basic basics being done and the OP's DH isn't doing those.

camdancer Fri 16-Sep-11 18:22:17

I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt. I just didn't know where to start. My house was a state but there was so much to do, it was overwhelming. So I tried flylady (again) and it really worked. It gave me small tasks to do rather than just "tidy, sort and clean the house".

(But I do think that if he isn't actually doing childcare either, he is just being lazy.)

aldiwhore Fri 16-Sep-11 18:24:48

Would you expect a childminder to do the laundry?

He's a SAHD not a househusband/cleaner.

I clear up as I go along, and along with providing entertainment and activities for a 3 year old that's all I fit in. Even something so simple as stripping a bed takes 3846493x longer when you've a 3 yr old who wants to make a game of it - and I ALLOW them to make a game of it. That's what I'm there for.

cookcleanerchaufferetc Fri 16-Sep-11 18:28:40

He is being a lazy arse ......

ImNotMyselfToday Fri 16-Sep-11 18:30:42

I would expect my childminder to keep on top of his/her own cleaning and wouldnt (didnt) have an issue with it being done during 'office hours'. OPs DH is a SAHP not a children's entertainer. He should be capable of keeping child entertained and house cleanish & tidyish. I think he is just bone idle.

SouthernFriedTofu Fri 16-Sep-11 18:32:02

Bootcamp a 4 month old can be "stored" pretty much anywhere safe, pop them in a crib, leave them on a play mat. A 3 year old needs to be interacted with and more attention payed.

nomoreheels Fri 16-Sep-11 18:32:06

I appreciate that toddlers are tricky, but my baby is not easy to store, that's for sure. If I'm lucky she will sit in her bouncy chair & watch for 15 mins while I do something. I used to manage a bit of housework with her in a sling, but she's getting a bit heavy now. But mostly she wants to be held & wants me to focus on her - if I don't, the hollering starts! She also hardly naps, ever. I do 18 hour days with her overall as she wakes several times a night. I am tired. And yet I can still manage a reasonably tidy house (am not talking perfect & sparkling, just tidy) because I think it's important.

warthog Fri 16-Sep-11 18:32:53

yanbu

he's a lazy arse.

nomoreheels Fri 16-Sep-11 18:35:20

If I popped her in a crib she would scream and work herself up into a state. I'm not going to do that to her. She's definitely not an 'angel' baby (a la baby whisperer) - I wish! Thankfully her bedtime routine is at least working well now. I'd have gone insane if it wasn't.

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