SAHD who doesn't do housework?

(237 Posts)
bushymcbush Fri 16-Sep-11 16:54:49

My DH looks after our DD (3yo) full time and I work (stressful and tiring job) full time.

Now, I know his job is looking after DD but I know when I did that job, I looked after the house too. It wasn't perfect but I tried to keep on top of the basics.

A year into our arrangement and his levels of housework are at an all time low.

He does cook almost every evening, and usually makes attempts to keep the kitchen tidy (not clean), but that's it.

The washing is constantly spilling out of the basket or sitting in clean baskets un sorted.

The carpets and floors are filthy.

The bathroom is filthy.

The house smells.

I often get home from work to find lunch and / or breakfast things all over the table still, DD watching TV and the dog unwalked.

AIBU to expect more?

AbbyAbsinthe Fri 16-Sep-11 17:29:02

Hahaha!! No, not really. But he was SAHP for 3 years, and barely dragged his eyes off the XBox, so it definitely contributed to the breakdown of our marriage.

Bootcamp Fri 16-Sep-11 17:30:08

Sahp aren't househusband/wifes.

SouthernFriedTofu Fri 16-Sep-11 17:31:48

Hahaha!! No, not really. But he was SAHP for 3 years, and barely dragged his eyes off the XBox, so it definitely contributed to the breakdown of our marriage.

I did hope! grin

PenguinArmy Fri 16-Sep-11 17:31:49

still sounds like the cleaning isn't the issue per se

and still firmly on SAHP does not mean lions share. More in most cases yes because practically you tend to make mess or can clean a bit as you go, but not the working parent doing a minority and not the expectation.

PonceyMcPonce Fri 16-Sep-11 17:32:52

Hmm, not wishing to sound mean, but he is an adult. Who does he think should clean the house if not the adults who live in it?

If breakfast things are still on table, how has the dc had lunch and dinner? How can he do food prep with dc to learn and talk?

Does he go to toddler groups? Swimming? To the park? To the supermarket? To play with friends or family? Surely these sorts of things are part of a 3yo day and routines flow from them?

I think you have layabout who prevents your 3yo from getting into trouble while he plays on a computer!

Bluegrass Fri 16-Sep-11 17:34:57

Am loving the difference between this thread and those in which a SAHM is being told by her DH that cleaning is part of her " job" (or indeed the "AIBU to spend all day on MN while the DC's play on the floor" type threads)!

bushymcbush Fri 16-Sep-11 17:36:04

I don't know if he plonks her in front of the TV all day. It's usually on when I get home. I ask what they've been doing (in an interested way) and usually get a vague response. They do occasionally go out into town or to meet a friend.

Re nursery, she has just started 2.5 days this week. Both days he dropped her off and went straight over to his mate's place to help him decorate. I picked her up from nursery and got home to filth, breakfast things and unwalked dog. Both days. Last night he came home way after dd and i had gone to bed. Tonight he's not back yet and i havent heard ftom him, so who knows ...

It's kind of what prompted this thread, but as it's a favour for a mate I'm trying to see it as a one off.

In the future he's supposed to be getting work (supply teaching) when dd is at nursery but he hasn't registered with an agency yet. If he does get work we might be able to afford £10 a week on a cleaner, although I really wonder how much of a dint such a small amount of cleaner time could make in our house.

belgo Fri 16-Sep-11 17:36:26

YANBU. Children this age find it great fun to help with the housework - you can get them hoovering, sweeping, wiping things clean, mixing up food for dinner.

It does take organisation - I made a list this morning of everything I needed to get down, otherwise I forget.

minipie Fri 16-Sep-11 17:36:27

IMO it depends on how much time looking after your DC is taking him.

It may be that he genuinely struggles to look after your DD and is spending most of the day running around after her. If so then YABU and perhaps you could give him some tips on managing her.

Or it may be that it only takes him a few hours to look after DD and he's spending the rest of the time on the internet. If so then YANBU, he should be spending the extra time either with DD or doing things that benefit the whole family (i.e. housework). Not fair that you work FT and he doesn't.

aStarInStrangeways Fri 16-Sep-11 17:38:34

"Why because a SAHP spends time online?? Um I hate to mention it to you but um.. mumsnet would implode if all the SAHP's had to gt off the internet."

the two aren't mutually exclusive though. i'm currently a SAHP and i've been on mumsnet a fair bit today, but i've also managed to play with DS, look after baby DD as well as wash up, do washing, vacuum etc.

i don't see it as my job to deep clean to exacting standards, but staying on top of things is just common sense. because otherwise the house mings, and since i'm the one that spends most time in it that would impact on my quality of life grin

TheBolter Fri 16-Sep-11 17:39:25

Exactly, Bluegrass. The hypocrisy on this one is hilarious!

minipie Fri 16-Sep-11 17:40:02

Just saw your post saying she's at nursery 2.5 days a week (just started).

Definitely time for a conversation about what he plans to do with that time.

minipie Fri 16-Sep-11 17:42:02

Bluegrass and Bolter I've seen plenty of posts on MN saying that cleaning is part of a SAHM's job - if she has time to spare after looking after the DCs, which will all depend on how many DCs/what ages/what needs etc. Seems pretty clear here that the SAHD does have time to spare.

PonceyMcPonce Fri 16-Sep-11 17:42:13

Not hypocritical.
I did not greet DH with lavendar scented shirts, but nor did he come home to manky food waste.

There is a difference.

I fail to see how he doesn't have time to clear up after breakfast, walk the dog etc.
I do expect my DH to keep the place reasonably tidy whilst I am at work and I really resented when he used to sit down and watch telly in the evenings after the kids had gone to bed whilst I was still doing housework (Note- I get up before him with the kids and do the morning school run).

We usually try to blitz the place in an hour or two on Sat or Sun morning so we both have the weekend free.

Bluegrass Fri 16-Sep-11 17:48:48

Is it clear miniepie? The other favourite when a guy posts is "we are only hearing one side of the story, what would your DW say about how her day is spent"!

PenguinArmy Fri 16-Sep-11 17:50:44

well the nursery certainly changes thing. If childless and jobless for a few days a week (not counting weekends) then I do think housework automatically comes into it.

Bluegrass and Bolter when DS2 was at nursery every afternoon for 3 hrs I think I was reasonable to expect my DH to do some housework as part of his "job" as he was not doing the parenting bit at that time. That doesn't mean he should do three hours cleaning but tidying up the mess that he and DS2 had made is not unreasonable (rather than leaving it for me when I had already done 12 hrs without a break from the kids getting up, school run then work).

happyhorse Fri 16-Sep-11 17:52:37

Well as a SAHM and a bit of a slattern I was prepared to say that you were being unreasonable, but actually it sounds like he's taking the piss a bit if he can't even bung a bit of washing in the machine and whizz round the bathroom with a Flash wipe.

Yama Fri 16-Sep-11 17:53:51

I think all adults living in a household should share the housework. Discussion, and agreement is needed.

Not much help am I? wink

KD0706 Fri 16-Sep-11 17:55:39

I am a SAHM. I consider myself fairly rubbish as far as housework goes, certainly not stepford wives variety.
But I always make sure clothes are washed and out away and the kitchen is cleaned, dishes put away etc. I shove the Hoover around when needed, usually a few times a week and give the bathroom a quick wipe probably similarly often.

I wouldn't be happy if DH was expecting a pristine house when he got home. I do consider that my job is taking care of DD and not housework. But still I think YANBU as you're just asking for basics from your DH.

The point is even more blatant since your dd started nursery. If my dd was out at nursery 2.5 days a week and I was still at home full time I think I would consider housework part of my job.

Bootcamp Fri 16-Sep-11 17:57:37

Tbf since dd is at nursery he could spend 3 hours one day a week doing a good going over of house, that's what I choose to when my 3 are out. However, I wouldn't even try to do more than the basic basics with my 2 year old in tow. Am a slattern.

CaptainMartinCrieff Fri 16-Sep-11 17:58:30

I'm detecting some serious double standards here. smile

MrGin Fri 16-Sep-11 17:59:05

My best friend is a SAHD and he does all of the things your XP isn't.

foot-arse-kick

Bootcamp Fri 16-Sep-11 18:01:08

Also would be horrified if dh expected the house to be spotless when he gets home just as he would be horrified if I asked him to do proper cleaning.

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