to hate being a SAHM/on maternity leave

(85 Posts)
NoGoodAtHousework Wed 31-Aug-11 15:21:45

I love my son, but I hate being a housewife/SAHM whatever you want to call it. I hate housework at the best of times but being home all day kinda puts an expectation on me.

I feel bad (and am often made to feel guilty fordoing so)asking my OH to do things, shitpick, sorting out the back porch(like he promised ages ago) etc when hes home as hes working full time and he does muck in with littleun when hes at home.

I dont really know anyone with kids, I have started mum and baby groups but they are only once a week and I cant spend all the time with mums I've met and having just gone onto SMP coffees and lunch out are not really an option, also I hate having people round as my house is rappy and I have a big dog which I have to lock out who just barks his head off the whole time.

I feel so alone through the week and no one seems to be able to understadn how I feel, Jay is only 6 week old and I already wish Iwas back at work (which is saying something as we're going through restructuing and redundancies!)I know everyone says get out of the house etc but I ont actually find it helps.

Dont know what to expect of anyone just feeling down today....and my son seems to hate me as all hes done is cry every time I go near him.

maddening Sun 21-Apr-13 09:05:35

Damm and blast

aftermay Sun 21-Apr-13 09:01:29

Old thread, the baby must be 2 by now.

maddening Sun 21-Apr-13 08:45:14

Use your cb to hire a cleaner and enjoy your baby.

I didn't get much housework done when in sole charge of ds - he napped on me even so no chance and then the rest of the time we were out and about having fun doing stimulating things for ds - swimming/baby massage/baby then toddler groups etc

When dfiance got home he got some fun time with ds and I tidied and did one task - eg bathroom or hoovering etc. Dfiance then cooked dinner and bathed ds and I tidied up from dinner - I guess we tag teamed but dfiance got his choice of tasks being that he was at work. I got lie ins more often as ds was bf and I did all (several times a night) night feedings - dfiance has had 2 years of unbroken sleep - I have not had a single full night of sleep in that time - so it works out for us.

When I am back in work we'll balance it out again (and dfiance is sleep training ds while I recover from my op so hopefully we'll both be getting more sleep)

norfolknic Sun 21-Apr-13 07:36:15

Op yanbu. I felt like you do. Dd is 16mo now and much more interactive, still doesn't sleep through the night though! I found having some time at the weekend to sleep/shop/read whilst Dh looked afterdd really helped.a couple of hours each day.also going for walks with the pram now it's sunny :-)

I returned to work after a year, working part time on 3 days a week. I love it now as I get my adult time, earn money again and enjoy my days off with dd so much more.

Nicolamilo06 Sat 20-Apr-13 22:26:39

I went back to work 5 weeks after I had my little boy I was so demented
Sitting around. I just worked shifts around my partner felt amazing to have adult time! I've been on maternity leave now 34 weeks as I work in a busy bar which is no place for a bump to be now at 38 weeks I'm begging my boss to let me do something as little boy is at school and only so much tidying one can do ! I would never like to think anyone would judge anyone returning to work so soon! Everyone is different and don't feel gulity about it. Huge respect for stay at home mummy's as its full time job in itself I just couldn't and won't be doing it again made me resentful of family partner and friends as felt very alone despite having a lovely baby to cuddle

Xenia Sun 04-Sep-11 11:50:48

ledkr, in fact it's better fi you get on with things. We used to have loing "lying" in periods after birth and doctors agreed that wasn't best for women. They now get you out of hospital and up and morinv around much sooner. There is an argument that getting quite soon back out "into the fields" is better for women in terms of recovery after child birth.

Anyway the major point is if women want to return to work in a week or two let them and good for them. If they don't I also support the 6 weeks at 90% pay maternity pay we have in the UK for employees as it does take that long for most recovery, the 6 week check at the GP etc. Also if you are rich enough or married a rich enough man to take m ore time off on the very low maternity pay of £110 a week or whatever it is for longer that's fine too but these are all choices and you have the right to go back sooner and if you think other mothers will criticise you don't let that be the reaosn not to go back sooner.

babeinthewood Sat 03-Sep-11 23:10:13

Nope! it has taken me three years of being at home with the little darlings to make a life for myself, I worked when DS1 was little then when his brother was born my step daughter also moved in, she was at school so it completely ruined my plans to go back to work after DS2. So here I am three years later making the best of it.

Do whatever you feel most happy doing, Happy mum happy baby IMO smile

ledkr Sat 03-Sep-11 21:56:29

I want to like being at home cos it is such a hassle to work with kids but i love the money and need to feel usefull.I have a nice job tho,i do adoption support and meet some nice people and can pop to the shops and stuff when im out.It the running about after school doing the clubs after a work day that kills me.Dh does it but works shifts so often not here <sighs>

hoovercraft Sat 03-Sep-11 21:47:32

I am part time and am still struggling sad I do have a lot of extra work though

ledkr Sat 03-Sep-11 21:46:40

hoovercraft i struggle with the whole childcare juggling act but i do miss work a bit,i am hoping to return part time next year.

ledkr Sat 03-Sep-11 21:45:09

xenia When you suggested that the op had a sexist husband or low educative value so as to not be a high earner you invited people to comment on your individual circumstances.
The reason it is different for a man to return to work soon after the birth is that they do not have the physical trauma of birth,breast feed or share the same maternal bond. It is great that you were able to return to work so quickly but the majority of women will still be in a period of recovery from the physical and emotional effects of pregnancy and birth. I aggree we do not want to return to victorian values but neither do we want woman to feel some sort of pressure to get off the birthing bed and carry on in the fields.
Re read your first 3 posts and then ask yourself if you responded appropriately.

hoovercraft Sat 03-Sep-11 21:36:15

I bloody hate working. Ive worked for <does sums on fingers> 25 years and am so tired of it. I earn a good salary (not in the hundreds but over 50K) and am well educated. I would give anything to stop. Ive struggled with work and work life balance since I had my child 7 years ago.

Xenia Sat 03-Sep-11 21:30:07

The absence of maternity rights or not very many of them tends to benefit women although they don't like it.

Also comments like women's mental health is at risk if they go back to work soon or t alking of rippig them away from a baby are comments no one ever applies to a man and make it much harder for women who love being back at 2 weeks to make that choice. Those comments limit women's choices and make them think there is somethign wrong if they go back to work in 2 weeks whereas no one criticises their husbands in doing go.

Why did I have few rights./ Simply because anyone my age wouldn't have. You had to have worked for an employer for 2 years to have the 6 weeks at 90% pay you had then and still have now. In the first 3 jobs I hadn't been there 2 years to have the rights andn then like many many many women by the time I had the twins I was self employed so then you don't get any maternity pay (except the weekly amount which is what you might earn in half an hour so not a feasible sum unless you are kept by a man or earn very little to start with(.

All good fun but let's not suggest it's wrong, or ripping away babies or appalling or going to make you go mad if you retuirn to work quickly. That sounds like the language of the Victorian age when they said women could never be doctors or our brains might explode.

ledkr Sat 03-Sep-11 19:01:09

I heard that about the states,6 weeks?eeek! I hadn't even stopped bleeding then!
I aggree,our good maternty conditions and time off are what set us apart from the usa. Other eu countries have it better.I would hate to live in a society where children and parents were apart from such a young age,we have enough problems with our youth now.

SouthernFriedTofu Sat 03-Sep-11 18:00:32

Might be!

I just hope the wisdom being spouted by people who think this way isn't something that takes a hold in the UK.

I have just moved back to the states and am on UK maternity leave (yes that's legal before anyone asks) and I consider myself very lucky as have met some women, including a waitress running around waiting to pop who have told me how they get 6 weeks maternity leave and bam have to be back to work.

Women should be valued in the work place for their contributions and should not have to risk their mental health by ripping them away from a baby they have been physically attached to for 9 months. It just seems like a really bad idea to me. I would hate to work for someone like xenia because I would be afraid that due to her returing after 2 weeks that the expectation would be for me to pop right back asap or work remotely during labour!

ledkr Sat 03-Sep-11 17:44:44

Or was it the man she married wasnt sexist but due to his education didnt earn enough to support his family so his wife had to go back to work early. grin

ledkr Sat 03-Sep-11 17:42:20

Odd,i wonder why? Ive never noticed this before but i still find it hillarious to question the op's job/salary when she was herself in ajob with no maternity benefits! Good catch that job then eh?

SouthernFriedTofu Sat 03-Sep-11 17:39:14

No Xenia, no one would object to you saying that. It was the ridiculous, rude questioning of her education choices and type of man she had married which made the thread become so heated.

Exactly, I have seen Xenia do the same on several threads though, post something very inflammatory and then post a perfectly sane post afterwards and then look confused as to why people think she is being inflammatory confused

ledkr Sat 03-Sep-11 08:53:02

xenia If you are posting from a feminist pov then good maternty rights are something that we have fought for for years and should use happily.
Who seriously can go back to work after 2 weeks? Must be the minority.I have had 5 children and was happy to take all my maternity leave as i was recovering,bonding,feeding and getting myself and the babies ready for a return to work/childcare.
You sound a little bitter tbh,maybe returning to work so early was not such apositive thing for you,and what kind of job did you have with no maternty leave.
I am in a supervisory role and would not want any of my workers returning to work so soon after birth,they would simply not be ready.

Op i am into my 7th month of mat leave and have felt the same as you,i am taking the full year as i will not get this time back with the children ever again,my other daughter is benefitting from having me around too.
Now i am just begining to be able to get out easier and the baby is in more of a routine i am going to try and enjoy it.
I am going to go the the baby groups and catch up with old friends and cook nice meals(trying to lose weight) and actually have abit of a break from work.
Its not the mat leave/sahm thing thats getting you down its the first few weeks/months of the babys life,its not as you imagine it will be,its hard work,tiring,overwhelming and lonely. That is normal.
Id defo aggree with taking time out for yourself even if its just to go to bed early and read or watch tv. This will pass,see it as a temporary situation and make the best of it.

QuickLookBusy Sat 03-Sep-11 08:50:57

Xenia "It was my fault for suggesting that some women like to get back to work"

No Xenia, no one would object to you saying that. It was the ridiculous, rude questioning of her education choices and type of man she had married which made the thread become so heated.

Every poster before you had been very supportive, such a shame you caused yet another thread to become heated.

thekidsmom Sat 03-Sep-11 08:27:10

Oh dear, housework you've stumbled into a full blown disagreement here and if you're new-ish you may not realise this is not about you! there's more here than you may know.

I'm glad you're getting some of the support you're looking for. Being a SAHM does not come easily to all of us. And sometimes it doesnt come at all. Whatever you are feeling is not unusual and 6 weeks is very early to be making life changing decisions.

With my DS, 20 years ago, I was sure I'd want to stay home but couldnt afford to (no real maternity pay in those days...). but I found the first 6 months were really difficutl for all the reasons you've mentioned - didnt know anyone, really hate cleaning! but with my DD 2 years later I loved being at home with DS then 2! so you can't predict.

At 6 weeks, you might now feel up to getting out and about and meeting people in the same position - NCT groups etc - and you might start to feel more in control if you look into a plan on how you want to get back to work in due course - but take each day at a time, its early days yet.

ssd Sat 03-Sep-11 08:22:23

op, nothing wrong at all in wanting to get back to work, can you visit HR and try to get back earlier?

Xenia Sat 03-Sep-11 08:14:45

It was my fault for daring to mention that some women (and men, lets not be sexist) like to get back to work. That doesn' t mean we don't like the children, I adore having had 5 and love babies but in smallish doses.

I think it's a shame when you first have a baby that it is so tiring that often you cannot enjoy it. We never had a baby who slept much and the first was worst.

In more general terms though women need to decide if they are clinically depressed and must get help or just a bit bored or too tired with it all. If it's just the latter then obviously it does get better. I think the biggest shock is baby number 1, nothing prepares you for that. Then in terms of hard work we found having 3 under 4 when we both worked full time was hard - 3 in nappies at night etc and much harder than later having twins. Hoever it woudl have been even harder if one of us were at home.

I am sure it will all get easier and we did find it a relief each day to get on the train to work to sit down without the baby wanting to be in and on you or screaming. Even that period of 30 minutes sitting down with a book seemed bliss compared to being home.

NoGoodAtHousework Fri 02-Sep-11 18:26:22

I never expected this to get so heated!

All the posts have made me feel a lot better. I have never felt guilty about wanting to return to work early (finances play a part too), just thought I was missing something pretty fundamental by not feeling the 'it's the best time, make the most of it'. I'm sure as you all say it'll be so much easier when he's more interactive.

Xenia Fri 02-Sep-11 17:37:33

I think anyone who has had a baby k nows what it is like looking after them whether you work or don't. You end up with masses of baby care particularl if you have the kind who breastfeed every 2 or 3 hours night and day. I don't feel I haven't done a mass of hours with babies and I love babies.

I agree it depends on the job too but I do want women to feel free to choose (and men too - let's not be sexist) and I think women feel villified for daring to suggest they might prefer to be at work and that it's best for everyone when men aren't. As for recovery if you're in an office job it is 100% much mucyh easier to sit there all day typing than have a 3 year old shouting at you whilst the 1 year old attempts to gauge out the head of the tiny new baby every time you sit down to breastfeed whilst trying to ensure you get the washer on. Life with a new baby is not some kind of weeks of relaxation. It is much harder at home than in m ost office jobs and your phsical recovery can be much easier if you have those breaks to sit on a tarin, think get a drink and have the variety of work and babies.

The law is if you are employed you are not allowed back in under 2 weeks. If you work in a facotry it's 4 weeks. If you work for yourself you can do what you like.

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