to hate being a SAHM/on maternity leave

(85 Posts)
NoGoodAtHousework Wed 31-Aug-11 15:21:45

I love my son, but I hate being a housewife/SAHM whatever you want to call it. I hate housework at the best of times but being home all day kinda puts an expectation on me.

I feel bad (and am often made to feel guilty fordoing so)asking my OH to do things, shitpick, sorting out the back porch(like he promised ages ago) etc when hes home as hes working full time and he does muck in with littleun when hes at home.

I dont really know anyone with kids, I have started mum and baby groups but they are only once a week and I cant spend all the time with mums I've met and having just gone onto SMP coffees and lunch out are not really an option, also I hate having people round as my house is rappy and I have a big dog which I have to lock out who just barks his head off the whole time.

I feel so alone through the week and no one seems to be able to understadn how I feel, Jay is only 6 week old and I already wish Iwas back at work (which is saying something as we're going through restructuing and redundancies!)I know everyone says get out of the house etc but I ont actually find it helps.

Dont know what to expect of anyone just feeling down today....and my son seems to hate me as all hes done is cry every time I go near him.

DontShootTheDog Wed 31-Aug-11 15:27:17

Hey, someone told me 6 weeks is the peak for feeling down, and that was certainly true for me (DS2 is now 9 weeks!). When you are lonely, baby is crying non-stop and you are sleep deprived of course you hate it! Whats to love?!

It will get better. Don't imagine you will feel like this for the rest of your ML. Babies get more and more enchanting as they grow up and gain independence (from sitting up and being able to hold things onwards, it gets easier). I bet by the time you have to go back to work you will do anything to be able to stay at home with your DS, you will be having so much fun.

Sorry, no practical advice except the usual make friends, get out of house etc, which hasn't helped you.

Takitezee Wed 31-Aug-11 15:27:28

You don't have to take your full maternity leave. If you'll be happier going back to work then do it, it doesn't mean you love your son any less.

Victoria1984 Wed 31-Aug-11 15:28:45

My DS is now 6 months and it is hard going. Like you I don't know anyone with a baby and find going just makes me tired (though DS loves it). Talk to your OH and tell him how you feel. May join a gym and leave DS with your OH for a couple of hours a week. I feel more relaxed since I have a few hours off and my DP loves there time together.

Dont forget that while your DH is in work, you are working too!! He should be helping out while he's home, its not like you are sitting on your arse all day watching Jeremy Kyle!!

And not just helping play with the baby, but doing housework!!

Angel786 Wed 31-Aug-11 15:33:19

This might / not make you feel better. I didn't love the first 4 months of mat leave but as DD got older / more settled (and actually engaged rather than just cried) I started to enjoy it. Now I am really enjoying it and dreading going back to work in 3 months.

Have you checked with the council / local library what they have on for mums and babies? We go to the stortyime session at the local library a few days a week. It's good to get out the house (the pram ride might calm your baby?), forces you to get dresses and up and about and talk to more parents (and probably see they are experiencing similar things to you).

How long are you planning to take mat leave for?

Of course YANBU - I found it a very lonely time when I had my DS - none of my friends had kids and I felt very alone. My turning point was post natal groups (which I had always dreaded the idea of) - I made some fantastic friends who are still friends 9 years later and then all of a sudden my maternity leave went too quick.

I have to say tho, I love being a working mum and feel I can give so much more to DS that way, much as I love him I could not have been at home all day every day with him.

Of course your DS doesnt dislike you - he just picks up on the fact that you are feeling a bit down. Having a tiny baby is hard and unrewarding but seriously, it does get better so hang on in there smile

GiraffesHaveMoreFun Wed 31-Aug-11 15:40:17

YADNBU. But, like others have said, it usually does get better (it did for me - still find baby groups depressing though!).

I go back part-time tomorrow and can't bloody wait, much as I love dd.

Oh, and he doesn't hate you! Feel a bit like that today though too, as dd cries with me, and is full of smiles for daddy...

camdancer Wed 31-Aug-11 15:42:02

If someone had asked me to go back to work at 6 weeks I'd have jumped at the chance. It gets better from about 6 months onwards - once your baby gets a bit more interactive. Until then it is just drudgery imo.

Getting out will help - eventually - but it is about finding the right places with the right people. Once you find a group of people you can be friends with, things get easier.

Also, find something that makes you feel like you. I don't know what it'll be for you. The gym, swimming, reading, knitting, mountain biking - anything. And then make time for it. If your DP has to look after the baby then fine. But do it.

Honestly it does get better. I went back to work when DS was 11 months and it was a real wrench.

Angel786 Wed 31-Aug-11 15:50:57

Giraffes - my DD is the same. Smiles occasionally for me but laughs her head off with her dad / grandparents. I put it down to the fact she sees my ugly mug all day and gets bored so not personal hmm

GiraffesHaveMoreFun Wed 31-Aug-11 15:52:00

That's what I think, too angels...

NoGoodAtHousework Wed 31-Aug-11 16:09:36

thanks for the reassurance, planning on going back after christmas and I like the idea of OH having the rest of my mat leave but not sure how itll go down at his work.
i find the mum and baby groups a little awkward as he doesnt really do anything at the moment. although, I am perservering.

NoGoodAtHousework Wed 31-Aug-11 16:12:26

angels/giraffes, this is exactly what happens but I have to agree about being bored of me! although there are times when mu OHs cuddles just wont cut it (as he doesmt have boobs to rest on!!)

PicaK Wed 31-Aug-11 16:58:30

He doesn't hate you - he really doesn't.

PrimaBallerina Wed 31-Aug-11 18:34:09

YOUR BABY DOES NOT HATE YOU! I promise!! You are just feeling down and things will improve. I had the same thoughts as you at the same time as you but I bloody love mat leave now and don't want to go back. I know exactly what you mean about mums groups and doing lunch - I never feel like I fit in either.

Six weeks for me was still in the difficult phase where I felt like I'd been hit by a train. I couldn't manage housework at all.

Hope you feel better soon, things really do improve. Oh and if you just genuinely prefer the idea of work to staying at home that's not a crime.

Deliaskis Wed 31-Aug-11 18:57:55

I could have written your post at 6 weeks, and all the way through till about 3-4 months. In fact I'm pretty sure I did post about very similar things.

It really was the most horrid time, and made worse by everybody going on about what a wonderful time it's meant to be. The thing is, we're all different. DD is now nearly 7 months old and I love spending time with her. I came back to work at 6 months and it's the best thing I could have done. I really enjoyed my last month or so of mat leave (I think seeing the light at the end of the tunnel helped!), and now feel like I've acheived something in that I 'made it'. Everybody tells me how lovely and smiley and settled and content she is, so I feel like I did a good job, and tearing my hair out at 6 weeks like you, didn't really matter in the long run. I positively race home to see her and we try and make an effort to do meaningful things as a family at the weekend. Life is pretty good.

It will get better for you. We're not all designed to revel in the newborn stage (as lots of mners told me when I was on here wailing about the same thing), and look at it this way, it's kinda nice knowing that things are going to get better, much better, and probably quite quickly. Better that way than loving newborns and thinking it's all downhill from there!

I had days (and weeks) where I felt like she just didn't like me either, like I couldn't solve any of her problems, like I couldn't comfort her and just wound her up. And other times where I just felt like there was nothing wrong with her, she was just a misery guts. None of that is true, babies are just hard, and at 6 weeks they're still getting used to life on the outside. As per Prima I was definitely still in the hit by a train stage at 6 weeks. I think some friends had said the first 6 weeks were the worst, which was unhelpful for me as I was holding onto it getting better then, but of course it doesn't happen overnight. I think for me 3 months was the more useful milestone, but it might be different for you.

Caveat to the next bit: I gave up bfing as DD was losing lots of weight fast, and am not a co-sleeping, sling-wearing type of Mum (not criticising, we're all different), but someone on here said that the first 3 months is often referred to as the 4th trimester - where baby barely knows it's out. When I read it I thought it was hippy-dippy nonsense, but now DD is a bit older, I can kind of see it, as it wasn't until 3 months-ish that she really became, in my eyes, a person in her own right. She started to interact a bit, and I started to understand her needs much better. Before that, it was a case of trying to replicate conditions in the womb (feed on demand, swaddle, etc), whereas after that, she became able to stand on her own two feet a bit more (not literally obviously, that would be surprising!).

Hang on in there, it's crap, people don't tell you that, they tell you you'll be tired, and you are, but it's not just that. It will get better, promise.

D

Zimm Wed 31-Aug-11 18:58:05

Op I've recently returned to work P/T after a year's mat leave and I have to say I am much happier - the sahm role didn't suit me at all. Now I love the time I spend with DD

whackamole Wed 31-Aug-11 20:11:22

I went back to work after 8 months. Originally I was convinced I would not be able to leave my babies and would give up work completely.

I love my boys, but I need some adult stimulation and conversation that it not from OH or other mums.

NoGoodAtHousework Wed 31-Aug-11 20:50:52

Its good to know I'm not the only one out there, I think the fact I'm still not feeling myself isnt helping, although I had a normal birth, I think the doctor may have made a bit of a mess of my stitches or something as all is not right down there, after some cajoling by my mum, went to the docs and am now booked into gynae next week. am hoping that once I start to feel properly right, it might get better as well.

TBH I'm pretty sure I should have known all this was coming as I am someone who used to get bored at a weekend - I drove 6 hours to devon on my own at 37 odd weeks pregnant to stave off boredom - probably not advisable but had seriously itchy feet, but you know how it is everyone says 'rest now as you'll be so busy with LO you'll not know whether youre coming or going'. I guess everyone forgets the bits at the beginning where there is a lot of sitting/feeding/cuddling etc.

I'm toying with the idea of going back to work part time, but looking at childcare costs (which is scary!) to help decide. mainly as both me and my partner work 45/50 hours a week.

oh god another mammoth post!

GiraffesHaveMoreFun Wed 31-Aug-11 21:23:24

Have messaged you housework.

Annakin31 Wed 31-Aug-11 21:26:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Xenia Wed 31-Aug-11 21:47:07

Most women with under 5s work. Many many of us have very good careers and work full time and always did even when we had babies. It is much the best thing for everyone. So why on earth are you at home? Did you marry a sexist man? Did you make such bad career choices as a teenager that you'd only earn a pittance anyway?

Balsam Wed 31-Aug-11 21:52:51

Thing is, nobody warns you what newborns are like. They are selfish and ungrateful beings - they just want you to supply food and comfort and they give sod all in return. This period coincides with the sudden lifestyle change of being home full-time and getting no sleep. No wonder you hate it.

The good news is (a) they grow and become adorable and (b) you get used to the 'at home' lifestyle, even if you never grow to love it.

Hang in there, it really does get better. Honest.

NoGoodAtHousework Wed 31-Aug-11 21:56:24

I struggled with bf, which really increased the guilt to start with and it has been easier since I realised it wasnt for me (after 4 weeks battling) and accepted that he had had the goodness and it wouldnt kill him to go onto formula.

Anna - I understand, although we live very close to OH halfs family and relatively close to my dad, but my mum lives around 6 hours away which i have never really seen as a massive issue but i now realise how much i miss her and wish i was closer, i think thats why i feel so low sometimes, i speak to her everyday which is more than I ever have before (shes on holiday this week, so only the odd txt msg).

All this time off etc has made me realise I dont really have any friends in general - since living here all i have done is work, so all my 'friends' are at work, slightly depressing to realise.

I think I sometimes think that he is older/ we are further into this than we actually are, i probably should learn to reign in my impatient nature and chill out a bit as well.

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