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AIBU?

Is my friend trying to dump me?

18 replies

Red2011 · 25/08/2011 23:18

Let's be clear here, I don't actually mind if she does, but I'm not absolutely sure..

I have known this person for many years, we used to live very close to each other as teens and were not that close then. Her family is somewhat dysfunctional (sister suffers with depression, parents separated then got back together, she has passive/aggressive attitude and is somewhat selfish). Years after living nearby she became ill, we got friendly and ended up in a house share in our 20s. We had our ups and downs but got along. We're now both in our 40's. She has a wealthy feller, a nice house and does temp work.
Since I got pregnant last year she has been more distant. She was invited to baby shower but couldn't/didn't come although she sent me a cheque to "get something for the baby". I have invited her and her DP over several times but her standard response is "You're a busy mum."
I'll be going back to Uni soon and won't have time for socialising so another invite will be unlikely on my part til nearer the next holidays.

Incidentally she usually tells everyone what she wants for her birthday many weeks ahead. However, she said to me "As you're not earning, let's not bother with presents or cards this year".

My gut says she is ditching me. My nice side says give her another chance. My head says it's no loss either way.

OP posts:

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Crazybit · 25/08/2011 23:22

Comes accross to me as though she is being nice, and doesn't want you to spend money on her that you don't have and also struggling with you having a baby. Guess she doesn't have children?

Crazybit · 25/08/2011 23:23

*across

magicmummy1 · 25/08/2011 23:24

Hmm, sounds like she is ditching you to me. I'd leave her alone and let her get in touch again if she wants to.

Is it possible that she wanted kids and hasn't managed to conceive? I had an old friend who "ditched" me when I had dd, but got in touch again a few years later when she had a baby of her own. She told me that they had struggled for years with infertility and she couldn't bear to be around me after I'd had a baby. Just a thought.

melika · 25/08/2011 23:28

She has no kids? Sounds like she is jealous that you got pregnant and had a child and she didn't. No amount of money could come between good friends, I bet she only became distant when you got pregnant. Maybe she finds it difficult because she couldn't have a child of her own?

Red2011 · 25/08/2011 23:46

No she has no kids. Doesn't like them, doesn't want them.

I am wondering if this is also an issue: my sister recently got married. My sister and I are close. Her sister got married (she doesn't know that I know this) - her sister and she don't speak....

BTW she has other friends with kids.

OP posts:

bakeyouhappy · 25/08/2011 23:54

If she has no kids, then she may not know how to act now that you do. I had kids very young and never saw many of my friends again. I was really sad. Can you reach out one more time, ask to have coffee with just her, no kids, no partners, and see if she's game? After that I'd leave it.

Red2011 · 26/08/2011 00:05

I can give it a try bakeyouhappy but we don't live that near each other, and neither she nor I drive. If I can get babysitting arrangements then I could meet her in London. Will have to be Oct though, got Uni restart and a holiday before then.

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bakeyouhappy · 26/08/2011 05:04

Oh. Well maybe email her that you'd like to get together, no kids etc, in oct, to catch up. If she says no or makes excuses, then you have your answer and won't have to hassle with childcare. If its a yes, then you have something to look forward to. Good luck.

cumbria81 · 26/08/2011 06:34

You might have become really boring now you've had a kid....

GotArt · 26/08/2011 06:51

If you don't actually that she does, then why worry about. It can be sad when a friendship ends, but this one seems forced over the years, habitual. Get on with University and don't worry too much. Let it happen naturally.

pigletmania · 26/08/2011 07:38

I agree, I don't think that she is dumping you, but mabey she has fertility issues which means they can't have a baby and seeing you with your baby is painful for her so she avoids it. Give her time, and just let her know you are there if she wants to talk. She went all distant when you had the baby, so it sounds like that to me.

aldiwhore · 26/08/2011 08:57

YOu don't need to fall out do you? If she's 'distancing' herslef from you, maybe thats just because your lives are in different places...I'd give her space, but I'd keep up with the ocassional text/phonecall, christmas cards, birthday cards etc.,

I have friends I've known for years who I love but even if I could see them every week and be a massive part of their lives I'm not sure I'd want to be as we're following very different paths.

No friends are perfect, and maybe its time to relabel her 'friendship file' and store it under 'ocassional'.

I don't think she's ditching you. I wouldn't have it out with her, you could look clingy, and would risk losing the friendship altogether, she's doing nothing mean and from what you've said is actually considering you and your life and feelings rather a lot.

diddl · 26/08/2011 09:03

Sounds to me as if she wants children & can´t/is having problems tbh.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 26/08/2011 09:25

Her family is somewhat dysfunctional (sister suffers with depression, parents separated then got back together, she has passive/aggressive attitude and is somewhat selfish).

They don't sound that dysfunctional to me! Suppose it's what you're used to.

Red2011 · 26/08/2011 10:45

I think the 'occasional' file is a good idea. Will see how it pans out.
Thanks for the feedback all. :)

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Cereal · 26/08/2011 10:57

Agree with WhoseGotMyEyebrows. You do sound a bit smug and judgemental towards her family, as if the things you mention make them not as good as you.

Sounds like she's finding it difficult that you're having a baby. She might actually want kids now, but not want to say if she's having problems.

I don't think she is ditching you but you do need to ask what's upsetting her.

MumblingRagDoll · 26/08/2011 11:07

Why don't you just ask her? If she's a real friend she will understand.

magicmummy1 · 26/08/2011 11:42

Aldiwhore has given good advice IMO.

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