AIBU to be feeling taken advantage of?

[anynamesleft]

... I can't believe I've just walked out of the house leaving my 3mo behind with my partner but I'm at my wits end.

We've had a real time of it lately with my FIL dying 10 days after baby arrived and partner since losing his new job as the firm weren't keen on someone who'd just had a new baby and a family bereavement.

DH has since been spending every other week away at FIL's house to sort things out, and while here has carried on sleeping on the sofa (started while he was working to help him get some kip) when he is here.

I've been trying to be supportive, trying not to make any demands on DH when he is around and helping sort out FIL's probate / finances / house clearance.

I've been getting concerned that DH's tidying up of his dad's estate will end up taking up all the time available meaning we'll miss out on the opportunity of some family time with baby and DS1 before DH goes back to work. Often what he's planned to do each week at his dad's doesn't get done.

What's really upset me today is that I asked DH if he was going to book an appointment with the solicitor (the reason for going up this week) and his answer was no, and that he'd be going up even if they weren't available.

This is after he's had a weekend including spending Sunday away on his hobby.

I tried to talk to him about how I was feeling and he just found it amusing and put it down to my insecurities and not wanting him to have time to himself. When he's at his dad's he gets to spend time with an old friend who lives nearby and I know that support is especially important to him after FIL's death but I'm beginning to feel completely taken for granted.

AIBU??????

[DogsBestFriend]

Yes. His father has just died FGS, cut him some slack and stop being selfish.

[GeekCool]

I was about to say you might be a bit unreasonable, but if he finds your genuine feelings 'amusing' he is being a bit of a twat.

[DoMeDon]

YANBU to feel taken for granted. He has time for his hobby, time away to deal with things alone, he sleeps on the sofa at home so he can get lots of sleep. And what about you? Yes he is grieving but you deserve a second thought.

[anynamesleft]

Dogsbestfriend - I've been feeling upset about this for a while but keep biting my tongue and trying to 'give him some slack', but, his dad's death wasn't entirely unexpected (he'd had dementia for some years and ended up with an awful quality of life) and DH seems to have plenty of energy / enthusiasm for things he wants to do, just none for what he doesn't ..... I'd feel entirely different if he just acknowledged that it was a demanding time for me too but it doesn't cross his mind.

[DogsBestFriend]

Ok, in which case I apologise, OP. :)

[pollyblue]

Did he really lose his job because of his family circumstances? I would've thought he couldn't be fired for those reasons.

Does he have anyone to help him sort out his father's things? If he's doing it alone it's probably will take a long time, and that can't be helped. Are you able to be involved at all? As he's going away for a week each time, could you go with him?

He loses sympathy from me a bit when you said he finds your concerns amusing. And he's still finding time for his hobby, and thinks you don't want him to have any time to himself. Have you had any time to yourself recently? Does he have the children for a while to give you a break, when he is at home?

[anynamesleft]

Hi Pollyblue,

he was still in 'probation' in a new job so had v little legal protection. The official reasons were spurious performance-related but he'd had a v positive review just before this happened and was then told his employment was being ended - all that had changed was the bereavement / baby


You're right he is having to sort out his father's things on his own but it's at the other end of the country and we can't pull DS out of school to enable us all to go up. What I have been doing is as much as I can from here, tracking down and making appointments for house clearance / auctions people to call him, sorting the probate paperwork, ebaying the sellables, finding buyers for his dad's huge model collection, sorting out the walloping great mess of care home invoices ....

So, no, I haven't had any 'me' time lately - I was meant to be out today on a workshop but it got cancelled, to be honest I think DH had half forgotten about it til I reminded him.

I don't want to make it sound as though he does nothing, he does do things about the house, is a good cook and, now he's not working, will take DS to school. It's stuff that if a friend or other family member did I'd be hugely appreciative of but my (unrealistic??) expectation is that we're a team and, as we're both not working at the mo will both pitch in.

I think today combined with last week when I ended up spending the afternoon / evening in A&E with DS after an accident (he's now all fine) and had a mare of a night with babe after his jabs has just tipped me over the edge ....

[anynamesleft]

bump .....

... I'd calmed down after an hour or so, enough anyway to get back in time for the school run and next feed for baby but am still shaking with emotion over it all, basically feeling completely taken for granted.

.... Is it just the post preg hormones talking?? Should I just bite my tongue a bit longer and get on with it???

[pollyblue]

No, you're right, if your DH is around during the day then it's not unreasonable for him to pitch in with household/childcare stuff. My DH does and he'd get a cat's bum face from me if he didn't. As you say, you're a team.

You've explained quite eloquently here why you feel cheesed off, so no I don't think you should bite your tongue any longer - and don't blame it on your hormones! Don't diminish your right to have feelings too. It's not going to do your relationship any good if you just let it fester. Do you feel you can talk to him, without it turning into a row?

[therealtillyminto]

i think your DH might be looking at the death of his father completely differently than you. you said the death was expected and his quality of life was poor. i suspect this does not make it any easier for you DH and maybe worse.

it sounds like your DH has had a lot of massive change: death, birth, loss of employment. the housework must seem very unimportant. i wonder if this is why he laughed at you... a sort of 'you don't get it'

i wonder if the visiting the house/seemingly trival hobby are attempts to give himself time and space to work through the changes in this life.

yes i think YABU. i think you should look at how you can support him emmotionally. like you said, you two are a team (then look to get him helping you more with the practical stuff :) )

[oohjarWhatsit]

imagine if it were you OP

your partner gives birth, so you are running round looking after the other child
you start a brand new job, then get dumped from that, so worrying about money etc
then your dad dies and there is no one else to help you grieve with that, as well as the practicalities.
your partner is moaning on about you being away, not pulling your weight, taking them for granted. but what can you do, there is no one else to sort out your dad's precious things.

i would probably want to run away as far and as fast as i could if i had even two of those things to deal with

[MonkeyTastic]

anynamesleft, this is a difficult time for you both (massive life changing events at the same time!). You need each other so asking who is BU wont help, there aren't going to be any winners with this. It's not a case of apologising to him, just tell him you need his help and you want to give him yours too. You love him, he loves you. Don't turn away from each other. It gets better

[skybluepearl]

you have a new baby and need support too.

he needs support too due to death and job situation.

can you both support each other?

[anynamesleft]

thanks for the responses everyone, it really helps get some perspective on all this ....

pollyblue, no, that's the thing, if I try to talk to him about it it does turn into an argument - a sort of 'you've had a baby, you get on with it' type discussion (when we were deciding whether to go for a second child we discussed that as DH was starting a new venture workwise that would be v demanding and take up a lot of time so the majority of babycare would be down to me - I understood that but now the circumstances have changed and we're both around I feel that changes things). An especially choice comment from DH was that 'my mum coped with 2 young children on her own while dad worked away so why can't you?'

therealtillyminto I'd honestly expected DH to be hit harder by his dad's death but instead there's a lot of relief at no longer worrying about how his dad is (he was away visiting every 3 weeks and dealing with lots of issues with the care home), anger at the life choices his dad made which contributed to him being ill and frustration at everything he's been left to sort out. He's made comments about the job loss and potential inheritance being an opportunity to think about what's really important when choosing the next job (family friendly?) but then his actions seem to say he doesn't value our family at all.

oojarwhatsit I can see it from this point of view too which is why I've asked the question here but what's frustrating is that DH isn't
running around after the other child (I've called in favours from my dad and friends to cover, DH had to be away for a week when DS2 was 1 week old and has been away every other week since)
actively job hunting, instead talking in terms of needing to do this when savings are used up
I have listened to him and given time whenever he's wanted to talk about his dad and to be honest have done virtually all of the practicalities of moving the estate forward as DH isn't - my reading is that he finds it emotionally difficult and so I'm trying to support him by doing it for him.

[anynamesleft]

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[FloraFox]

This sounds really difficult. Was he like this with DC1? I know this is a bit of a leap but it sounds like he is lining up to sit on his arse until the inheritance runs out while you look after the kids. You need to bang this on the head ASAP.

[anynamesleft]

hi florafox, he was more actively involved with DC1, mostly because I had some complications and so was v run down for the first few months but in the first year there were times when he would consciously watch me struggle and only pitch in when i was absolutely run into the ground (another story but apparently this was because of a perceived lack of support from me in the past - but how can you watch someone you care about struggle to the point of despair without helping??)

I'd love to be able to 'bang this on the head' but if we can't talk about it without it seeming confrontational it's tricky - any ideas?? I don't want this to turn into a 'battle' just to get things back on track

[anynamesleft]

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[anynamesleft]

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[anynamesleft]

bumpity bump ....