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AIBU?

13 year old verbal abuse in public

12 replies

loopyloo123 · 30/06/2011 06:18

My 13 year old son has a violent temper and completely lost it yesterday, in the garden, swearing at his dad about a disagreement. Unbelievable name calling and violence, hitting his dad, kicking, breaking things in the garden. Even some of the neighbours tried to intervene across the garden fence ... humiliating experience, but apart from dealing with that, what do we do now? He is convinced he was 'wronged' but sees nothing wrong with losing his temper in this way if 'provoked'.

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kreecherlivesupstairs · 30/06/2011 06:29

Bloody hell, my DD has a really explosive temper, but not to that degree.
How is he today? IMO, you have to hammer home the reasons why it is not acceptable and warn him that anything else like that will result in the police being called.

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TheFrogs · 30/06/2011 06:35

First time or a regular thing? What "provoked" him so to speak?

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Pootles2010 · 30/06/2011 06:36

Agree with kreecher - you really need to underline that its not ok, ever.

Serious chat backed up by something like few months grounding I would think.

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Bast · 30/06/2011 07:20

Where's the 'AIBU' in your OP?

Physical violence towards his parents (his friends? Future girlfriends?)?

Seek all the help you can to support him out of this negative behaviour and manage his anger. It's dangerous.

In the moment, I, personally, would have humanely put him on the ground and kept him there but I'm a self defence instructor and know how! I truly hope never have to have to use it on my own children but if the day ever comes that they see fit to lay into anyone out of sheer temper, it'll be day I bloody well will.

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loopyloo123 · 30/06/2011 07:47

sorry, first time on this site, just responded to AIBU post as it came up in a search. I don't think I am being unreasonable, actually, to think this is unacceptable! But impossible to reason with a child who is in a state. I will have to wait till we have a peaceful moment, and there are lots ... he's NOT a monster but just can't control himself and needs anger management lessons, except that I can't frog march him to those. The disagreement was a 'play fight' with his dad, over a mischievous thing, all quite fun till he tried to really hurt his dad, trying to assert his strength? Dad held him down to restrain him and all hell broke loose.

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Bast · 30/06/2011 07:59

I wasn't asking to be facetious (for once ) but because I genuinely wondered.

I don't think YABU for finding it unacceptable either.

However, I think play-fighting with a child who tends towards violent tantrums is probably not a good idea! He obviously wasn't finding it fun, maybe he was scared, upset, hurt or wound up and confused.

How is a play fight a remedy to mischievous behaviour? Is this an acceptable way to parent?

Sounds as though, in actual fact, he gave as good as he got and was led by example. 'Fighting is how we address things'.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/06/2011 08:08

YANBU to be concerned. I'd tackle from a few angles. Punish this particular outburst with withdrawal of treats or things he likes to do. Explain how you expect him to behave in future (and also have a word with 'play-fighting' Dad because he didn't help on this occasion) Then find him some physcially demanding regular activities to do - sports, gymansium, housework etc. Some bored, under-exercised children become destructive and violent. Spend time together as a family doing fun things - reward good behaviour. Also take a hard, honest look at how healthy his diet is. Poor diet and aggressive behaviour are extremely closely linked.

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loopyloo123 · 30/06/2011 08:18

You are right on the money. Lots of these things are relevant in this situation - all of them, in fact ... thanks for your support. It's so hard to talk to him though.

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Animation · 30/06/2011 08:27

Was his dad teasing him or winding him up?

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cory · 30/06/2011 08:38

Bast and Cogito make some valid points here.

After you have sorted out the apologies, I would make it very clear to his dad that play-fighting must now stop: it is no longer appropriate for his age. Play-fighting relies on parental control (I am so much stronger that we can play this game safely because I am in control) and it doesn't work beyond a certain age. I would very strongly avoid getting physical with a 13yo for any reason, whether play-fighting or discipline. They are too excitable and don't know their own strength; it is up to the (more level-headed) parent to make sure things don't go down that particular path. There is a good reason why secondary schools don't allow it.

The swearing/name-calling is clearly unacceptable: he has to be told so, and it also has to be modelled to him; I hope his dad doesn't swear or use bad language when talking of other people, as that would make it harder. You need a combination of discipline and two parents (but dad particularly important here) who consistently model respectful language, not just face-to-face but when talking about other people too. So if you both do, that is a great strength and likely to have more influence on him in the long run than anything he hears out of the home.

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loopyloo123 · 30/06/2011 08:48

It was completely innocent, jostling with dad (which son actually started, seems to want to prove his puberty-induced strength, dad held his ground, but so far, all very amicable, till son began to kick and nastily hurt dad, on purpose, he seems to want to try and see how far he can go, male power thing, I imagine. Dad is strong so resisted and then the game stopped and the abuse from son began. I think he wanted to get away from everyone but instead of going to his room to rant he chose the garden, now everyone must think we have a complete breakdown of order in our house, which, have to admit, seems we do.

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loopyloo123 · 30/06/2011 08:55

I have to say, we do NOT swear or fight in our home, and his dad is a loving and gentle person, we do present a united front in parenting. I think on this male dominance thing though I am with you - I have told him that it simply doesn't work any more, he has to walk away from it, he agrees totally but last night was shocked by the response from son from what has always been harmless. Son's secondary school influence has been strong, on his language and 'acting hard' - this is a difficult issue.