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AIBU?

AIBU to want to...

37 replies

ZombiePlan · 28/05/2011 16:01

...get back in touch with an old friend? More of a WWYD than an AIBU, I confess, but wanted to post here as no-one looks at the WWYD topic and I'd really appreciate a wide range of views.

Back story - had a v good friend, A, at university. Stayed in touch with A for a couple of years after uni, but we drifted apart after she left London. About 6 months after she left, I called A's mobile - as she was out with a group of people, she said she'd call back (which she didn't). I then sent a couple of quick texts (probably quite a few months later IIRC) but didn't hear anything back. Couldn't trace A via other friends through other mates as we didn't have a group of friends in common, it was just us (and sometimes one other girl, B) iyswim. Didn't want to seem overly stalky/not-taking-the-hint at the time, so let things drift. I wonder now whether I should've tried a bit harder - it's quite possible that she just forgot to call me back - maybe what I took to be a rejection was just her being really busy.

I've recently started spending a bit more time on Facebook (I've had a profile for ages, but never really used it - now that I'm at home with DS, I'm finding it really useful). Anyway, I sent a few friend requests out and when one of them, X, accepted, I was then able to see his friends list and saw A and B on it. (X was B's friend at uni BTW).

I sent both A and B a friend request. (I sent a quick message with the request explaining the fact that I'd got married, and included my maiden name, so it's obvious that I'm not some random stranger).

B accepted and we exchanged a couple of messages.

I haven't heard anything back from A. However, I can see that she's commented on other people's walls, so she's clearly been on FB. She's either not noticed the message and friend request (which seems a bit unlikely, given FB's penchant for putting big red dots on your profile to alert you to new stuff) or she's deliberately chosen to ignore it.

We never had a falling out over anything, so I don't understand why she would actively decide that she didn't want me as a FB friend. I mean, that's quite a strong statement of your feelings about someone isn't it, when you don't even want them listed on a social network as your friend. I don't understand what I could have done that would make her feel that way. I'm now quite worried that I may have unintentionally offended her somehow.

Am not really sure what to do now. I really do want to get back in touch with A, but obviously I don't want to come across like some kind of lunatic obsessive stalker. But I really do miss her. I had tried looking for her on Google quite a few times over the years, but nothing came up. Searches on FB didnt work - she's obviously set her privacy settings to make her invisible except to friends of friends.

Would you leave it alone (and risk missing out on getting back in touch), or send another message? Or try her mobile number and see if it's the same (this feels a bit stalky, but at least I'd be able to talk to her and make sure that I hadn't unintentionally offended her or anything like that). I don't really want to bring B into this - it feels too awkward - we've only just got back in touch ourselves, and she's clearly really close to A now. I'm torn - I do miss A and would really like to be friends again. On the other hand, I don't want to seem like an irritating and weird stalky-type person. Help! What do I do?

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JeremyKylesPetProject · 28/05/2011 16:05

Are you bad at taking hints op?

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PortPortBlacksand · 28/05/2011 16:05

I think i would send a private message to B and ask her to send on a message to A....that way if there is a problem i would hope B would tell me.

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worraliberty · 28/05/2011 16:09

Just leave well alone now. Don't involve B either.

It must be frustrating, but A obviously doesn't want to be friends.

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JeremyKylesPetProject · 28/05/2011 16:09

I think A has been clear enough. Don't waste your time on her. She isn't on you.

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ZombiePlan · 28/05/2011 16:11

Jeremy - I hope not! It just seems a bit odd to not accept a FB friend request from an old friend unless there was some kind of problem. I mean, isn't reconnecting with old friends kind of the point of FB? I would always accept a frend request unless I really hated the person - even if you're not hugely bothered about them, it's not like you're actually committing to seeing them again, or anything like that, is it. But I genuinely cannot think of any reason why A would have an issue with me - nothing happened, we just kind of drifted.

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MorticiaAddams · 28/05/2011 16:12

It's obvious that she doesn't want to be in touch with you for whatever reason and you should just leave it.

Definitely don't bring B into it as it could make them feel awkward and stuck in the middle.

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ZombiePlan · 28/05/2011 16:13

I definitely am not going to involve B - it's not fair to drag her into this.

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basingstoke · 28/05/2011 16:15

She's just not that into you...

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mousesma · 28/05/2011 16:15

I think you should leave A alone, it's unlikely that she hasn't responded because she hates you. It's much more likely that she only accepts friend requests from people she is in regular contact with.

Not everyone uses FB in the same way as you, I also only accept requests from people I am in regular contact with. It may sound harsh but I don't have an interest in the life's of people I have drifted away from and am not going to meet up with again.

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mousesma · 28/05/2011 16:16

oops rogue approstrophe

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JeremyKylesPetProject · 28/05/2011 16:26

Hey, I was unceremoniously dumped by a male friend. We were very good friends, used to share a bed after big piss ups, nothing sexual ever happened, he really was my best friend and I could tell him anything. We had a cheeky kiss once (maybe twice if my brothers word is anything to go by) but it was a great friendship. We were so close that people used to question our relationship and say we were effectively dating. We weren't! We both saw other people (sometimes set up by each other) and everything was great. Then he meets someone and falls in love, moves away and I'm old news. No invite to his wedding (mutual friends some that he met through me fgs were invited), no replies to birthday/christmas cards etc. He did text me once when he saw me in the audience of the Jeremy Kyle show. Hmm
I was very upset but I got over it. My other friends have said it was probably his new wife that stopped our friendship but I don't buy that one bit. I know him. He wouldn't be told what to do. There was just no room for me in his life anymore.

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ZombiePlan · 28/05/2011 16:28

Jeremy - that's awful. Even if you don't have as much time to invest in a friendship anymore, you don't have to cut ties like that. Not even sending a Christmas card to you is awfully rude.

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quesadilla · 28/05/2011 16:29

I have to say based on what you've said, it sounds pretty clear that she doesn't want to be friends. Have no idea why but the body language is deafening. Sometimes with these situations its just best to cut your losses.

Its also possible that the time isn't right for whatever reason now and she will want to pick up down the line. But you've subtley got yourself into her line of sight, so to speak, and she's not rising to the bait. At best she's not bothered, at worst she may be actively avoiding you, and messaging her now will probably not do you any favours.

Sometimes friendships just peter out and one friend is more ruthless about this than another.

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JeremyKylesPetProject · 28/05/2011 16:37

Thank you Zombie and yes I agree to not reply is terrible but it got the message across to me. I'm sorry if I sounded harsh earlier btw. Its awful and makes me wary of getting close to anyone. I find it hard to make good friends as it is. Some people are crap at friendship upkeep but as pp said some are brutal and just cut you out. It hurts but keep your head up. FWIW I think you sound like you'd be a great friend. Her loss hey?

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ZombiePlan · 28/05/2011 16:43

Thanks Jeremy Smile

I think it's because I'm at home with DS now that I'm really in need of some good friends. Unfortunately, since becoming a mum, a lot of my friends seem to have drifted away (I've sent out lots of invites for lunch/meeting up, but they seem to either get ignored or declined). So when I saw A's name on X's lost of FB friends, I admit I was really pleased to think I might get an old friend "back".

I think I'm going to just leave it for now. I did want her to know that I'd like to be friends, but obviously I don't want her to feel chased. Now that I've sent her the friend request, she knows that I'd like to be in touch and that the ball's in her court.

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ZombiePlan · 28/05/2011 16:44

list, not lost, obviously...

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JeremyKylesPetProject · 28/05/2011 16:51

Yeah just leave her to it. Where about do you live btw? PM me and add me on FB. If you want that is :o

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ZombiePlan · 28/05/2011 16:56

Am in London. Whereabouts are you?

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JeremyKylesPetProject · 28/05/2011 16:58

Manchester. Only been to London once and that was to watch the footy :o

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fluffywhitekittens · 28/05/2011 17:01

Zombie, I have a very similar situation but A in my case was a good friend from primary and secondary school and we only lost touch a few years back.
To add insult to injury she did reply with a message to my message saying she and her family were all well but then has ignored my friend request :(
I also see her name on other people's lists of friends who I didn't think she was that friendly with at school so I don't think it's a case of she only stays in touch with close friends.
Just think it is her loss but I know how you feel.

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superv1xen · 28/05/2011 17:07

thats sad OP :(

tbh it sounds like she doesn't want to be friends anymore, for no apparent reason that i can see from your op. its her loss though IMO as you sound a really nice person.

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ZombiePlan · 28/05/2011 17:08

Fluffy - that's really sad. It's odd that she would have put lots of less good friends on her FB friends list. Might she have gotten closer to them since you lost touch?

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YellowDinosaur · 28/05/2011 17:18

I'd be inclined to drop it. Like others have said she clearly doesn't want to be friends with you - who knows why. Unless you ask B or X you will never know and I can understand why you don't want to.

If you feel as though you want to do anything you could send her a message through facebook saying something like you are sad that you drifted apart after uni as you have always thought of her as a good friend and how is she doing? She may well ignore this as well but a message is harder to ignore than a friend request. If she did ignore it you would really know where you stood and could leave things be.

It sounds a bit to me as though there isn't any 'closure' here as you don't understand why she seems to be dissing you like this. Perhaps a message would get that closure. However sometimes people grow apart and it may be no more than that. Perhaps she is very busy and feels that she doesn't ahve time to keep in touch with her close friends never mind people from the past that she has grown apart from. Perhaps she feels that you 'dumped' her after uni rather than grew apart and is bitter about it. Who knows but it sounds as though you have other good friends so if she doesn't get in touch I would try and walk away and concentrate on them

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fluffywhitekittens · 28/05/2011 17:26

Probably not Zombie but I shall say yes as it makes me feel better :)

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ZombiePlan · 28/05/2011 17:30

Yes yellowdinosaur I think you have hit the nail on the head. Closure is what this is lacking...

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