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AIBU?

To think some parents start the tantrum ?

29 replies

80sbabe · 21/05/2011 23:21

I work in a shoe shop and see variations on this theme almost every week but today's was a classic to my mind.

Mum comes in with a baby (not yet walking) and a little girl of about three. She is looking for soft leather padder type shoes for her son - daisy roots - that sort of thing.

We had a selection of about ten pairs in the right size, the daughter is wandering around happily looking at other shoes while mum decides.
I asked mum if there were any she disliked so I could put them away and she said "No" but she she would let her daughter choose so she could be involved.

Mum calls daughter over and daughter chooses a pair with a football on them. Mum says "No - not those ones, we don't like football, what about the ones with the teddy bear or the car on ?"
Daughter insists on the football ones and mum gets firm and says "No we are having the teddy bears"

Cue huge tantrum from the daughter who chucks herself on the floor crying. Mum then says to daughter - "Right we're not going to the toy shop now if you can't behave"
Daughter screams even louder and Mum tells her to stop being silly.

After paying, mum virtually has to carry her daughter out who is still upset and now refusing to walk.

Why do parents do this ? If the mum had not involved her daughter and just chosen the pair she wanted anyway there would have been no tantrum to deal with. Everyone would have been happy and my ears would not be ringing.

AIBU to think some parents cause the issues themselves ?

OP posts:

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manicbmc · 21/05/2011 23:22

Nope - seen it many times as well.

WinkyWinkola · 21/05/2011 23:23

I agree with you. Sometimes it's better just not to ask the dcs opinion if you're going to disagree with one of their choices.

Thus, I give my dcs zero choice about anything.

I'm not serious. Hence the level of conflict in my home when I ask them to just get dressed. Sigh.

faverolles · 21/05/2011 23:23

YABU
I haven't ever done this

:o

AgentZigzag · 21/05/2011 23:25

I can only think it's something similar to when I ask DD1 'Do you want to go and get your shower?' which gives her the idea she's got some kind of choice in the matter and can say no

Lets face it, 3 YO can have a tantrum about anything at any time.

It was nice of the mum to try and involve her DD, it just doesn't turn out the way you think sometimes.

worraliberty · 21/05/2011 23:28

I think the Mum should have narrowed it down to 2 pairs she liked and then let the child choose.

I don't think 3yr olds can cope with too much choice tbh.

animula · 21/05/2011 23:28

Well, you're right, of course - and that's partly because no-one's SuperParent all the time.

But ... you do realise that, working in a shoe shop, you probably are there in one of the inner circles of parenting hell?

I've never forgotten the experience of finding the shoe department in a large department store one Saturday evening, in late summer. I was looking for somewhere to feed my (very) newborn, and I chanced upon it, having been blissfully unaware of such things throughout my twenties.

I just gazed upon the scene of devastation - the shop was closing, and the crowds had departed - and I asked the assistant what had happened.

She just smiled.

80sbabe · 21/05/2011 23:29

at faverolles

I am all for allowing children choices - just if there is something you really don't want them to choose then don't give it as an option.
Then don't take away a treat because they have not chosen what you hoped / wanted them to choose.

OP posts:

cuttingpicassostoenails · 21/05/2011 23:30

It's the same with my DH.

"Do you want salad for dinner or sausages, mashed potato with butter and chocolate eclairs to follow"

"Ooooh. Sausages, potato, butter and eclairs please."

"Well you can't have that. It'll have to be salad cos of your cholesterol".

Cue HUGE tantrum.

Any advice would be greatly welcome.

Yours sincerely.

Toenails

80sbabe · 21/05/2011 23:32

animula yes - devastation happens frequently - in fact it's the norm rather than the exception.
You get used to it after a while

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 21/05/2011 23:33

The mum only threatened not to take her to the toy shop.

Sounds to me like she was trying to bring the situation under control before someone started judging noticed she wasn't in complete control.

80sbabe · 21/05/2011 23:37

cuttingpicassostoenails Dh's are different - are we not allowed to give them the choices just so we can then take the moral high ground when they choose the wrong option ?

OP posts:

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 21/05/2011 23:38

In an ideal world, she would have chosen two or three pairs of shoes that she was happy with, and then let her dd chose from those - that might have helped.

On the other hand, if her dd was already tired and on the edge, something else might have set her off.

I am just glad all three dses are now old enough to go and buy their own shoes.

Morloth · 22/05/2011 00:04

On the face of it YANBU, but we all make mistakes and wrong calls even mothers.

So while you can calmly say from the outside she should have done this or this, it can be more complicated from the inside.

Janni · 22/05/2011 00:30

Yes - only give your child a choice if you are genuinely going to respect what they choose.

PumpkinSnatch · 22/05/2011 00:33

YABU. The mum made a mistake - well done on spotting it. I assume you never make them.

thejaffacakesareonme · 22/05/2011 00:36

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I bet the mother was kicking herself as she walked out the shop. I've made too many similar parenting mistakes to list them all.

maighdlin · 22/05/2011 00:41

sitting on the fence with this, there could have been a back story maybe she didn't want to go to the shoe shop and her mum said "well you can help pick" in an effort to avoid a tantrum for even going to the shop.

emmanumber3 · 22/05/2011 00:47

She meant well didn't she? The only mistake it sounds like she made was not eliminating the shoes she personally didn't want before asking her DD to pick. Yes, she probably could have avoided the tantrum (unless, as others have said the DD was tired and/or grumpy anyway).

WhoDat · 22/05/2011 01:40

What i want to know is, what was her issue with footballs? Giggs/Rooney connotations?!?

aurynne · 22/05/2011 01:50

I also wonder why is it so important wether the shoes had footballs or teddy bears on them... the baby surely won't mind, and after all, she supposedly gave her DD a choice.

The mum should be sat on the naughty step.

DontCallMePeanut · 22/05/2011 02:20

I do think onlookers should be able to send parents to the naughty step for unreasonable behaviour

Could see it now... Random onlooker... "She's just given DS a fruit shoot... 26 minutes on the naughty step!"

flyingspaghettimonster · 22/05/2011 02:49

hmmm, maybe she didn't know she had a preference until the girl chose the other pair? my husband does that all the time - asks me what colour he should paint something, or how he should sculpt it - I give my opinion (when, frankly, I really have to force myself to form an opinion) then he looks at it and promptly goes with his own ideas. Or someone random off the internet. Drives me mental - but he claims asking me helps him figure out what he wanted.

So, maybe some tantrums are triggered by the parent, but that one just sounds like a misunderstanding and a bit of unreasonable frustration from mother...

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Laquitar · 22/05/2011 08:28

To be fair the mum could do everything 'right' (in quotes) and the girl would still have a tantrum.

Having saying this i hate the 'we like/dont like...' . Imo it is not clever.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 22/05/2011 08:33

Nice to know shoe shop staff ARE judging parenting and even posting about it on here...

Rosemallow · 22/05/2011 08:34

I'm more about the mum imposing her dislike of football onto the DD.

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