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AIBU?

to expect DD to do what she's asked (told) to do, as soon as she's told to do it?

50 replies

ILoveYouToo · 12/05/2011 22:55

DD is 8. At the moment she's driving me up the bloody wall. For example, earlier I told her to go upstairs, get washed and into pajamas, then come back down. I impressed upon her that I wanted this done straight away and quickly. Ten minutes later I went to see why she hadn't come back down, and found her in the garden playing with the dog, not having been upstairs yet. Variations on this theme happen dozens of times a day.

My question is, aibu to expect that an 8 year old should do as she's told without arguing/throwing a massive strop, and without having to be told over and over again or constantly checked up up to make sure she hasn't become instantly distracted? Am I expecting too much of her?

I've read the similar thread about the 5 year old boy with interest, but I don't know how much of that is applicable to an 8 year old - I expect her to do what she's told (simple requests) without constant supervision and encouragement. Aibu?

OP posts:

Report

TrillianAstra · 12/05/2011 22:57

To expect?

YABU

To hope?

YANBU

HTH

tallulahxhunny · 12/05/2011 22:58

yes, YABU, shes 8 years old, it is their job to annoy you as much as humanly possible before they get big enough to to really shout at! lol

MrsRhettButler · 12/05/2011 22:58

YADNBU I expect that from my 5yo

themildmanneredjanitor · 12/05/2011 22:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aldiwhore · 12/05/2011 22:59

YABU... I don't do as I'm told the first time and I'm 36/7

TrillianAstra · 12/05/2011 23:01

What happens when she doesn't?

You need to persuade her somehow that her life will be better if she goes and gets into pyjamas than if hse first spends 10 minutes playing with the dog.

thisisyesterday · 12/05/2011 23:01

dunno... do you do what you're told when you're told, every single time?

i don't expect my children to do what i say the moment i say it, unless it's very urgent (ie rushing to a&e the other day i made it very clear to ds1 that he needed to be in the car NOW!)

but i do expect them to do it in a reasonable time and without me having to ask more than once or twice.
I can totally get that if they are doing something they aren't going to just jump up and do whatever i say just because i've said it, esp when it's something that isn't that important, like getting pyjamas on or whatever

i think i'd be quite worried if my children were that compliant

rogersmellyonthetelly · 12/05/2011 23:01

No, YANBU. You have my sympathy. I have the slightly younger version who at almost 5, will give me a lengthy explanation as to why she cant go upstairs and do X because she is just finishing off doing Y blah blah blah. Then when I tell her to do as she is told anyway, I get another 5 minutes of kevin the teenager arm swinging and stamping floor/stropping huffing and general bad tempered chuntering. At which point I escort her on the well worn path to her room for timeout until she can be polite again.
At least 10 times a day. Drives me up the bloody wall. If I thought she would get any better as she got older, I would have hope, but all I can see is a slippery slope to the teenage years.

ILoveYouToo · 12/05/2011 23:02

"would you jump the minute someone issued an order?"

That's the crux of it for me; that's what I do expect her to do. I don't know whether that's reasonable or not.

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 12/05/2011 23:06

i don't think it's reasonable at all

ILoveYouToo · 12/05/2011 23:09

rogersmelly yup; that's what DD was like at 5, and now we're just 3 years further down that slippery slope to teen apocalyse....

thisisyesterday I give her warning when I want her to stop an activity and do something else. The flash points are getting dressed in the morning, when we're on a tight schedule, and situations when we are in a hurry or on a time constraint; leaving the house, bedtime etc. The pajama incident this evening was under a time pressure because we get back late from a class on Thurs, and she wanted to read to me before bed; hence "if you get ready for bed quickly then we can do it; I want you to...etc".

OP posts:

aldiwhore · 12/05/2011 23:10

I issue an order/request but then pause... if either child is finishing off something they have a few minutes to do it. YANBU to expect they do as they're ASKED (hate told, makes me rebel) but to do as they're asked INSTANTLY at such a young age (or any age) I do think if you're not being unreasonable, you're making life VERY difficult for yourself and them...

aldiwhore · 12/05/2011 23:11

She's 8, give her a hand...

ILoveYouToo · 12/05/2011 23:11

aldiwhore isn't that the point though; you're an adult. Unless you're in the services, adults are not expected to jump to it and carry out orders immediately, that much, are they? But I guess I expect to feel in charge in my own home, and I expect my child to do as she's told whilst she's under my care and my roof.

OP posts:

ILoveYouToo · 12/05/2011 23:12

Sorry aldiwhore was replying to your earlier post there....

OP posts:

ILoveYouToo · 12/05/2011 23:14

You think I should give her a hand with the getting dressed/undressed/fetching things etc?

It usually happens when I'm trying to get things done quickly, that's the trouble. I guess then that a lot of the problem is me always being in a hurry.....

OP posts:

GingerWrath · 12/05/2011 23:16

Earlier post made me chuckle...dd is 4 and I get the arm swinging 'it's so unfair'!

ILoveYouToo · 12/05/2011 23:16

MrsRhettButler it's comforting to think that I'm not the only parental dictator out there....

OP posts:

mrsjaja · 12/05/2011 23:32

I try and get mine to do this but its like "5 minutes and then pj's please" or "You can finish it when you have done xxxxxx(usually put away her school bag/hung up coat i have just found on the floor)" but i too have a 9 yr old female "Kevin" at the moment, and i either get completely ignored, or told "dont want to", "you cant make me" or, and its the current favorite, "but i NEED to do this NOW". I respond with you need to do as you are asked but 9 times out of ten it falls on deaf ears. Then i shout!!

Im hoping its just hormones, as she is very tall for her age, and has been experiencing 4 weekly tummy ache and headache for the last 6 months. Hope when that actually develops fully i will get three weeks of relative peace per month

hammybobs · 12/05/2011 23:56

YABU unless she has 'form' for taking instruction and following it to the letter.

I think with any age under 12, it's more of a hope, than expectation, for a child to jump to attention. My 6 yr old is the exact same. Procastination (sp?) abounds whenever I ask tell her to do something. The failure to obey, or obey quickly enough, seems to compound my frustration with the expectation that she should know how important it is to do what I've asked she has no concept She just wants to re-enact toy story 3 every minute of the day so anything that interrupts that is 'just not fair'.

I had a stand off earlier where she insisted we were driving home from after school care, not walking home (car was parked outside our flat). I just had to be patient, and wait for her to realise in her own time, that the car wasn't outside, and any hope of being driven home was pie in the sky. Took an extra 5 mins, but I'm beginning to realise that a little patience is better than getting irate that she isn't complying with my expectations.

My advice is - deep breaths, repeat until it sinks in, and then smile with approval once they realise it's not up for debate.

beesimo · 13/05/2011 07:16

I would consider the possibility that your DD dosen't bother 'listening' to you because she knows you will repeat your instructions over and over again so when she chooses to engage with you the information will still be avaliable to her. At 8 the choice shoudn't be hers

You need to tell her what to do once in a firm voice then put consquences in place if your wishes aren't followed. I don't mean being harsh or cruel but for example bedtime routine completed as requested 30 mins reading in bed, bedtime routine a complete mash up straight into bed with the lights off.

If you don't get this sorted when their young you will end up being sick of the sound of your own voice and everytime you so much as open your mouth to DD she will say 'don't go on and on at me!!!'

Chandon · 13/05/2011 07:23

I expect my 6 and 8 year olds to get into their PJs and brush their teeth if I ask them to.

I won't get gross if they first finish whatever they were doing (after all, it is not the military), say I give them 5 minutes to wrap up.

I do tell them that when they are adults they can go to bed in their clothes, not go to bed at all, eat only sweets etc. But until then, they will do as i tell them.

....mostly

mind you, I am not issuing orders all day, but when it is bed time it's bed time and no debates.

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bustersmummy · 13/05/2011 07:25

In an ideal world my manta is

Do what you're told
When you're told
The first time you're told.

doesn't always work though lol

chicaguapa · 13/05/2011 07:27

YANBU. We are in the exact same situation with DD(9). Presumably they are expected to follow instructions at school and don't have the liberty to wander off and do something else before they do what the teacher asks them to do. so they must be capable of it.

In the situation you've described, I would have expected the same.

BimboNo5 · 13/05/2011 07:30

My 6 year old has been like this for the past few days- normally she is very compliant. Maybe its something in the air lol

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