Just got back from taking DS to hospital - am I???

[ScroobiousPip]

OK, just got back from taking DS to hospital for a dislocated elbow.

Here's the back story - will try to include everything that's relevant so sorry if it is long. Ex-DH and I share care of DS, 2.5yo. We have recently hired a nanny (let's call her 'R') to look after him. R looks after DS at my house (ex-Dh drops him off at mine on his days).

Mostly, DS seems to get on with R well, although he misses us both and still gets upset when I leave (but nowhere near as bad as when I tried a childminder).

Today was an ex-DH day. I saw DS this morning before work and he was fine. I had a business trip planned tomorrow involving a early morning flight so wasn't expecting to see DS again until Saturday.

I had a busy day and my phone was in my bag. Only at 6.30pm unfortunately did I spot a missed call from R, timed 2.30pm. I am usually more careful about being contactable. However, she had only tried to call once (only one missed call, no voicemail service on that phone), hadn't texted or tried to call me at work (does have a voicemail). She also hadn't tried ex-DH or the nanny agency as far as we can tell.

When I spotted the missed call, I immediately texted R and ex-DH. R didn't respond (still hasn't at nearly 10pm - I live overseas) although I saw later she did make a note in the book that DS's arm was hanging down and he was not happy. She said in the notes that she tried to call me but 'couldn't reach her'. To some extent I don't blame her - a dislocation isn't easy to spot and I'd forgotten to mention the one that happened a few months back.

In his text reply at 6.30, ex-DH said it looked like DS might have a pulled elbow again (he had one before a while back). As soon as I read that, I went round in my car (ex doesn't drive, nor does R), picked them up and took them both to casualty. Turned out DS had a fairly nasty dislocation - the dr took a couple of goes to fix it and warned we might need to go back in the morning too as it might not be fully back in place.

On the way home, I asked ex-DH what he would have done if I hadn't come round in the car and he said 'we were going to bed'. This, when he knows that DS was in pain and also that after 24 hrs a dislocation can be more difficult to fix (we were told this last time by the nurse). I didn't shout but I did ask him how, by any standard, he could think that it was reasonable to go to bed with a dislocated elbow and also not to tell me, especially knowing I was flying out on a business trip tomorrow. He, as usual, got defensive, asked me what did I expect him to say, he was wrong again, he always got it wrong, he was 'sorry' - did that help? (said not at all apologetically) etc. And, then, when we got back, he jumped out of the car before I'd stopped, slammed the door and walked off without even saying goodnight to DS.

My gripe is twofold. First, at R for not taking DS to hospital earlier (the earlier, the more likelihood of it being fixed) and for not trying to contact me.

Second, at ex-DH for not taking DS to hospital before I texted, not contacting me to let me know there was a problem and for having a unreasonable response.

I'm not sure, tbh, if I'm being overly PFB about this or not. I'm overseas so am totally dependent on ex-DH and R for childcare. I just keep thinking that if I hadn't texted, DS would have gone all night and who knows how much longer without treatment.

PS. Forgot to say, DS got a small burn while with R last week - she was using the front rings on the hob and he brushed up against the saucepan. Is it also U to use the front rings when there's a toddler in the vicinity?

[Punkatheart]

Um...it does sound as if there is some careless care going on here. Your ex-DH (has ever the 'darling' bit been so inappropriate). To be sarcastic at this point is unhelpful. R and ex-DH were in the wrong. You can change one by employing another nanny but I'm sorry, your ex may never 'get it.'

[belledechocchipcookie]

She appears to lack common sense to be honest. She should know your child well enough to realise that there's something wrong and should have the common sense to act. Calling you once just isn't good enough. Using the front rings on the cooker with a small child present is a no-no in my book also. I'd look for a new nanny.

I hope your son's OK.

[Chil1234]

YANBU to expect two adults between them to spot that a child is in pain and needs hospital attention. Especially if the child has had the same injury recently. Dislocations are more common if they have happened before because there is a weakness left behind. I would be finding a new nanny as a first step - and using the rear rings on a cooker would be more normal if there is a toddler about. ExDH sounds unreliable so you'll have to have back-up plans if you need to travel, I suggest.

[redskyatnight]

I would forgive the nanny to some extent if she hadn't realised it was a dislocation - presumably she mentioned something to ex-dh when he picked DS up? When DD broke her leg the triage nurse thought it was nothing serious and we waited 4 hours to be seen - so things like this are not always easy to spot!

If ex-dh knew it was something he'd done before and DS was in pain, and still did nothing he is an idiot. Maybe you need to give him the phone number of a friend/taxi service "just in case" in the future?

[bluepaws]

sounds like you are all passing the buck

unfortunately its always the kids who suffer :(

[belgo]

YANBU.

A delay in treating a dislocation could mean more complications, not to mention pain, your poor ds.

The nanny should have made more effort to contact you and should have realised the significance of him holding his arm funny - does she not have more experience? What are her qualifications?

I would be furious with your ex dh.

I never use the front rings when cooking with the children around, and always point the handles inwards, very basic precautions your nanny should know.

[Punkatheart]

That's not entirely fair, bluepaws. Also rather neatly judgemental. Some women have to work, especially if they are single parents. OP is well within her rights to expect good care from a nanny and the other parent.

[belgo]

Agree with PunkatHeart.

[ScroobiousPip]

Bluepaws - I accept I should have had my phone to hand during the day. I'm not trying to pass the buck there. But, the moment I heard I took him down to casualty. What else should I have done?

[Birdsgottafly]

You need to lay down the law to R, if you decide to keep her. She possibly couldn't have over ridden your ex and took him to hospital but she should have spoken to you. She should not be using the front rings on the cooker.

Your ex is at fault he should have taken your DS to hospital, there is no excuse for that.

[Birdsgottafly]

bluepaws-the parent who has the child holds the responsibility. It would be no different to him taking him on a day out and bringing him home injured or a school doing it. The OP is not to blame in any way.

[ScroobiousPip]

I am sitting on the fence with the nanny - DS is a very active, demanding child. It's not that he's intentionally naughty but he is inquisitive (what happens if I put this up my nose/in my juice/down the plus etc). I can easily see how the burn happened, especially as R only started 4 weeks ago. Likewise, a dislocation isn't obvious first time around. I remember we ummed and ahhed the first time because DS didn't seem to be in any pain.

But ex-DH (yes, the D is misplaced!) - he's normally a fairly reasonable person, very defensive and can't bear being wrong but adores DS. He looked after DS full time for a year (DS has always had one or other of us at home until he was 2.4) and did a fantastic job of it. DS adores him and vv. I just can't get my head around this one.

[aldiwhore]

To be fair the front rings on the cooker wouldn't bother me in itself, I use the front rings... BUT if I do, I make sure that I'm there and my children don't get the chance to get close, if I get called away for whatever reason, the kids come too, so for me it wouldn't be the rings but that she wasn't being vigilant in keeping your child away from them.

My youngest had a dislocated elbow, and though its very hard to spot the ditress is an indicator that something's amiss. I had no idea what was wrongwith him, but he didn't calm down quickly, and calpol had zero affect, within the hour he was at A+E.

My concern would be that both your ex and R KNEW that he'd had a previous injury, so the math would have been fairly simple - arm hanging, previous injury = A+E (unless you know exactly how to manipulate back in yourself, but even then I would want my child checked over).

YANBU, your nanny sounds a bit lazy and your ex a bit too relaxed. Change nannies if you can, you can't change your ex, but hopefully his defensiveness is a sign that he feels guilt.

[PurveyorOfBaloney]

Hmm, I would be concerned about the nanny's level of care TBH, and the detail about using the front rings of the cooker is worrying - how experienced/qualified is she?

My DS had a pulled elbow a few weeks ago. He was crying in real pain. To be fair it took me a bit of time to work out exactly which bit of him was hurting, but every time it was touched he screamed, and he couldn't raise it to pick something up - so I'm a bit horrified by your ex's suggestion that he could have gone to bed with one. We couldn't even dress DS (we were getting ready for bed at the time) we just had to wrap him up as best as possible and head for A&E.

Once they pop the elbow back in the pain goes immediately, so hopefully your DS will not suffer any more. I was also reassured that this happens often and easily, so wouldn't necessarily be worried that it was down to any rough treatment. I am surprised that a nanny didn't recognise the level of discomfort better and do more to get your son treated, or at least to contact his parents.

Hope he is feeling better

[ScroobiousPip]

Thanks folks, I think I'll take the weekend to calm down and think more clearly about DS's nanny.

As for ex-DH, yes, aldiwhore, I think you're right that I have to hope that the defensiveness is a sign of guilt. I do know that when it happened before (ex-DH grabbed DS to stop him running out in the road) he felt hugely guilty.

[belgo]

I agree, your ex;s defensiveness could be a sign of guilt meaning that hopefully he will be more careful from now on.

As for the nanny, she needs to learn that you can never be too careful with children, and she is only looking after one child. Many of us manage to cook safely with more then one child around. As Aldiwhore says, if you use the front rings of the cooker, then you need to be very careful.

As for the accident yesterday, does she have a list of phone numbers to call in emergency, or even when in doubt? eg. GP's number, hospital number etc.
She tried to contact you once, couldn't get through and did nothing, that would bother me. Was she hoping the problem would just go away?

[ScroobiousPip]

Thanks Purveyor (and everyone else too for all your wise comments and good wishes). It was awful when it was manipulated back in - the dr had to try a few times and DS screamed with pain. The dr very kindly gave him an icelolly beforehand to distract him which was great though!

Like you say, they do recover very quickly and DS seems fine now - fast asleep anyway. I'll just keep an eye out in the morning because the dr did say it might not have quite gone back in all the way.

[ScroobiousPip]

Yes, Belgo, she does. But if we decide to keep her on (I'm not going to make any decisions tonight), we will have a talk first about what she should do if she thinks there is a problem and run through all the contacts again. I think I need to get her to understand that it is OK to bother us at work - at any time, for anything.

[nijinsky]

Bit shocked at both the nanny and your ex tbh. I don't see how you were passing the buck when you were the one who dealt with it! I wouldn't sack the nanny but would give her clear instructions on contact in the event of accidents (though it has to be said this should be obvious to any nanny - what else is she there for, other than to look after the wellbeing of the child?). Your ex is really remiss. Its inexplicable really. I bet if he disclocated something, he would up at A & E in a flash. Whats the guarantee he would have even got it looked after the next day? Why doesn't he drive? At the very least he could surely have used public transport to go to A & E.

[belgo]

'though it has to be said this should be obvious to any nanny - what else is she there for, other than to look after the wellbeing of the child?'

that's a very good point, I think this is a sackable offense TBH. You need to be able to trust her when accidents happen.

Two accidents already and she's only been with you four weeks....