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AIBU?

to think it's wrong that my 8 year old DD is sleeping in her dads bed

139 replies

murrayc3 · 12/05/2011 10:36

My ex and I are divorced, we have shared custody of our 3 DD's. He has them 3 nights a week. When my DD's are with him the DD 1, now 8 years old, sleeps in her dads bed. in fact she doesn't even have a bed at his house anymore. I feel this is really wrong but he see's no problem. What do I do??

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BertieBasset · 12/05/2011 10:37

Does he not have room for a third bed? I don't see a problem with it as long as your dd is okay with it. If she would rather sleep alone then that is an issue.

catwhiskers10 · 12/05/2011 10:38

Why do you feel it is wrong? Is it the fact that she has no bed of her own at his house or that she is sleeping in the bed with her dad?
Personally, I would have no problem with this.

Fleurdebleurgh · 12/05/2011 10:38

He should have a bed for her, but if shes sleeping in there through choice YABU.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 12/05/2011 10:38

If it's her choice then it's not an issue.

ExitPursuedByALamb · 12/05/2011 10:39

My DD (11) frequently sleeps with her father. It is musical beds in our house. What are you bothered about?

It is obviously better to have your own bed, and then sleep together through choice, but I don't really see it as a problem.

squeakytoy · 12/05/2011 10:39

What age are the other 2, and where do the sleep?

I would feel uncomfortable with that situation.

Lainey1981 · 12/05/2011 10:40

Agree if it is her choice YABU.

speakercorner · 12/05/2011 10:40

I did this when my parents first split up (I was 7). It took ages - at least a year - for my dad to get it together to get me my own bed. I have to say that I loved being in my dad's bed - he would tell me lots of stories and I was comforted by it because I missed him so much. So I wouldn't assume it is bad for your DD. I would leave it a while and then reapproach your ex in a few months if you feel that it is genuinely impacting on your DD.

AppleyEverAfter · 12/05/2011 10:40

He should have a bed. What's he going to do when she's 12? It needs to be a more permanent set-up IMO. Maybe bunk beds or a sofa bed?

BluddyMoFo · 12/05/2011 10:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

murrayc3 · 12/05/2011 10:42

he has a small 3 bedroom house, she use to have a bedroom but he moved her into his bed and moved his brother in to her room. I also find it hard to settle her at my house where she has her own room, she is finding it hard to be alone at night. you have to excuse me I'm new to this and for some strange reason nervous!

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GwendolineMaryLacey · 12/05/2011 10:42

Well he's got 4 years to figure it out. Anyway, what happens when they are 12, do they turn into pumpkins?

I used to go on business trips with my dad and shared a bed with him long after 12.

Birdsgottafly · 12/05/2011 10:43

Speak to her, find out how she feels. Use this as part of your arguement to him (but not infront of her). Eventually this will have to stop so plans need to be made to get her a bed. It is a matter of personal opinion to wethere its ok to share a bed with an older child. This shouldn't happen permanently as it is a permanent arrangement it needs to change. I would handle the whole thing gently but state your case to your ex clearly and without compromise.

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 12/05/2011 10:44

It's not ideal that she doesn't have a bed. She should have her own bit of space in her father's house.

But unless you are suggesting that her father is some sort of danger (in which case why the hell let her over there) then there is nothing at all wrong with her sleeping in the same bed.

Is there anything 'wrong' with her sleeping in with you, if she had to? If not, then there is nothing 'wrong' with her sleeping in with her other parent.

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 12/05/2011 10:45

who's in the third room?

TotemPole · 12/05/2011 10:47

So there are 3 DDs, one DS and your ex in a 3 bed house?

chicletteeth · 12/05/2011 10:47

Think about it this way; would you happily let her sleep in your bed?

If so, then why can't he happily let her sleep in his, as long as their both ok about it.

And if you think it's weird for an 8 year old to sleep with their parents at all (mum or dad) the problem lies with you I'm afraid.

chicletteeth · 12/05/2011 10:47

they're

Birdsgottafly · 12/05/2011 10:48

If he is having to sub let a room for income then he probably already feels that the situation isn't ideal. Is there a way around this?

It depends on wether sleeping in her dads bed takes away the feeling that her dads is a second home and not just somewhere that she stays. If she does feel like that then the situation needs to change. Your ex needs to put the children first. Perhaps not straight away but he needs to start to plan.

murrayc3 · 12/05/2011 10:50

his brother is in the 3rd room, I think I see her growing up so much now, she isn't a toddler anymore. I know she isn't in any danger but something inside me tells me she should be in her own room. She is a daddy's girl and loves the attention but this has been happening for over 2 years now. What happens when he meets someone. How will she feel when daddy doesn't want her in his bed anymore?

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Birdsgottafly · 12/05/2011 10:51

Also the aim should be helping your DC's to cope with the split and help them to feel secure.

murrayc3 · 12/05/2011 10:52

Thank you everyone, it has helped for me to get this off my chest and hear what other people have to say. Maybe I am being a little over sensitive?

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AppleyEverAfter · 12/05/2011 10:52

I wouldn't want an 8 year old sleeping with me 3 nights a week, no bloody way! It's not good for a child to have to share a bed with anyone for that amount of time. Once a week maybe, but this is almost half of her life FGS!

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 12/05/2011 10:53

Well, hopefully she'll be old enough to have it explained to her!

If he only has three rooms then she cannot go in her own room. Unless you are suggesting that he should ask his brother to leave or he should move to a bigger house?

So own room is not going to happen.

She could share a bedroom with her brother? That room could have bunkbeds in it?

murrayc3 · 12/05/2011 10:54

3 DD's only DD 1 in with dad, DD2 (6) and DD 3 (5) in room 2, dad's brother in room 3. sorry to confuse.

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