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AIBU?

to speak to the nursery about a 3 year old boys behaviour?

18 replies

pingu2209 · 12/05/2011 09:27

My dd is 3 (nearly 4) and goes to a nursery attached to the school she will be going to in September. Fab nursery (Outstanding).

At the nursery is a set of twins - boy/girl - and the boy is 'full on'. My dd likes the girl but cannot stand the boy. I have never known my dd to really not like anyone before, but having watched his behaviour over the last couple of weeks, I'm not surprised my dd doesn't like him.

I don't see how he behaves in nursery, but as we walk home after pick up, across the main school playground, he actively targets my dd and jumps on her and pulls her around by her clothes so roughly that he pulls her over.

I am not mistaken as I have watched him over a period. He often leaves the nursery first, as I am quite often late, and waits for her by the school gate. He then runs for her, grabs her and swings her around by her clothes. Or he will grab her, put his arm round her neck and get her in a head lock. My dd has begun to scream and cry before he actually gets to her, because she knows what will happen.

Now I know it is going to happen and grab my dd before he gets to her. The mum is totally ineffective, and after it happens she will say to him, "don't do that xxx" and physically drags her son of my dd.

The thing is, I don't know what happens at nursery - does this happen during the 2 1/2 hours she is there? Also, they will all be going to school in September and she will be mixing in the playground a lot with him.

I also have 2 older ds at the school who I could have a quiet word with to keep an eye out for my dd (their baby sister) and this boy - but my middle son (age 5) is likely to "explain" with his fists to the said boy - and then get into trouble himself.

Would I be unreasonable to speak to the nursery about it? I have a reputation at the school for speaking up for my children - which I know the school find very annoying!

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MumblingRagDoll · 12/05/2011 09:42

Is it happening daily? HAs DD indicated it happening during her time at nursery?

Bairyheaver · 12/05/2011 09:46

Off course ynbu, talk to the nursery and they can deal with it.

FabbyChic · 12/05/2011 09:49

I'd talk to the mother of the boy and say that his behaviour is unacceptable and can she stop him from doing it.

GypsyMoth · 12/05/2011 09:49

just talk to the nursery!!

no need to set oolder boys on him!!

HandMini · 12/05/2011 09:51

Certainly talk to the nursery. I would hesitate before involving your sons - it sounds as though all the children concerned are too young to be being invited to take matters into their own hands.

Pagwatch · 12/05/2011 09:54

Go and talk to the nursery.

How the boy behaves is none of your business. It is certainly not your business to get anyone else involved.

Your only concern is your daughter. So your conversation does not even need to name the boy to be effective (although of course you can) but should be about
" at nursery my dd is being jumped on, chased, placed in head locks. This is unacceptable. How are you going to deal with it? Deal with it to my satisfaction or I will take this further. It is not to continue. "

greencaveman · 12/05/2011 09:55

Talk to the nursery, not the mother. They will sort it out.

SenoritaViva · 12/05/2011 09:56

Definitely talk to nursery, but rather than being accusing explain DD's reaction to the boy and what you have seen outside the gates.

A nursery should be instilling the right kind of behaviour, keeping hands to themselves etc. Maybe they are going through this with the boy but it is important they should be watching him with your DD.

If you go in with the right attitude then they won't mind. (I have a problem can you help me fix it together, rather than there's this problem and because it's happening outside the school I'm assuming you're not dealing with it well in school).

SenoritaViva · 12/05/2011 09:57

I agree with Pagwatch except that at this point you don't have proof he is doing it at nursery, only outside, unless DD tells you of course it is also happening at school.

SmethwickBelle · 12/05/2011 10:04

I know the sort of rough and tumble you are referring to and it in my book it is only acceptable when both participants are definitely enjoying it and it is somewhere like a very large field where no one is going to get pushed under a car. Even then I don't really like it but I know my eldest son occasionally enjoys a bundle with some of his more hyper mates.

But no, of course your daughter should absolutely not have to be leapt on like this, especially so often. I would probably ask the mother to tell the child that daughter doesn't like it and can she have a word with her child. And I'd ask the nursery to make sure she wasn't being upset with it during nursery hours. In order to cover all bases I'd probably give the child in question a good hard stare and say "She doesn't like that - let go now" if he did it whilst I was nearby.

pingu2209 · 12/05/2011 10:07

DD just says "I don't like X". It is her birthday soon and we are making an invite list, she really wants the girl to go, but is insistant that the boy doesn't. Clearly, we will invite both or none!

I know I need to talk to the nursery and no I won't be speaking to my sons about it.

I just know that the school see me as someone to kicks up a fuss. Most mums would be unhappy about something and moan about it but do and say nothing. If I am unhappy I have said something to the school, but that has led to be having a negative reputation.

I just didn't want to speak to school, yet again, about something. Although I wouldn't be surprised if the teachers at nursery think that this little boy's behaviour falls outside the boundaries of normal.

There is no point talking to the mum, she really can't see that her son's behaviour is over the top.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 12/05/2011 10:17

well if the mum isnt worried about his behaviour
and the nursery arent worried about his behaviour

then what??
you seem worried about coming across as a 'complaining' parent. what other things have happened which you've spoken to them about?

SmethwickBelle · 12/05/2011 10:18

I know what you mean about being reluctant to make a fuss - I had cause to complain to the nursery about something and even now I have that lurking feeling that they see me as a moaner but at the end of the day you have to put your child first don't you so it has to be done, no way out really. You only want your daughter to be happy, nothing wrong with that! Hope you can get the situation resolved.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 12/05/2011 11:15

This may sound rotten, but I would invite the girl and not the boy to your dd's party. For one thing, it is likely that this is going to happen to them more than once in the future - they are going to develop different friendships and different interests - the boy might have a party and only want his friends at it. Secondly it might focus the mum's attention, and thirdly (though probably most importantly) it is your dd's birthday so she should get to have her party with her choice of friends, and without worrying about this lad.

breatheslowly · 12/05/2011 11:22

You really should invite the girl but not the boy to your DD's party. It isn't the girl's fault that her brother is unpleasant and I think twins should be treated as individuals (I don't have twins myself, so I am sure the parent of some twins could correct me if I am wrong). Just make it crystal clear to the mother that the boy isn't invited and is not welcome to attend so that she can make appropriate arrangements.

SenoritaViva · 12/05/2011 11:22

DavidTennantsGirl as always makes some sense. If the mother questions it you can simply say 'I am sorry but I am afraid you son likes to rough and tumble with my daughter too much, you've seen it outside the school gate, and as a result she is terrified of him'.

It might give the mother a wake up call. It would be a tactic I suppose, although some would see as cruel...

sims2fan · 12/05/2011 11:46

How is he managing to do it every day if your daughter is right next to you when walking out of school? Don't be afraid to tell him off if his mother won't. The minute he does anything to your daughter I would grab his hands, get down to his level and say firmly " do NOT do that to X. She doesn't like it. You need to go and walk nicely with your mummy." Then let him go. If he tries again I would take his hand and march him over to his mother. If she says anything I would say pleasantly "I really am sorry, I don't like disciplining other children but my daughter is becoming very scared of your son as he is hurting her every day. I'm sure you want to nip this in the bud as much as I do so she can see how lovely he is most of the time and they can be friends."

pingu2209 · 12/05/2011 13:10

I grasped the nettle and spoke to the teachers at nursery. There was a nod and a look of understanding. The teacher said that the boy in question has a tendancy to be over exuberant around girls generally within nursery, but that there is no mallace. They said that they watch him and tackle his behaviour as each incident happens and that the mother has been made aware.

I explained that I was concerned that as they move up to reception there will be lots more play time in the playground and my older boys are likley to 'stick up for her'. The teacher said that the reception class are already aware as the TA works in both nursery and reception.

Glad that I said something because the nursery staff are aware and I don't feel like a 'complainer'.

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