paying for someone else's honeymoon...

[Mumtomaybebabybella]

I can't decide how I feel about this.

I have had two wedding invitations this week. The first one had TWO gift list requests in it - one for JLewis and one for trailfinders.

The second one has a link to a website where I can make a cash contribution to the couple's honeymoon in the Maldives OR buy them one of a selection of things such as a massage on honeymoon or a boat trip.

I suppose I just feel that I paid for my own honeymoon, honeymoon meals and excursions so why should I pay for someone else's?

I should also mention that we would be required to travel quite a distance to the second wedding and pay for a hotel, etc.

It says on the invite that our presence is gift enough - but it clearly isn't , is it?

I'm sure I'll be flamed. I'm just not keen on paying for someone else's luxury holiday tbh, though I will do it in both cases.

[TubbyDuffs]

What's the difference between spending a few quid on a gift or giving cash? Whether you have to travel and pay for a hotel or not, you're still going to turn up with a gift, so why not make it one that they actually want?

YABU

[Lawm01]

I think if it says on the invite that your presence is gift enough, then you should take that at face value. Had this not been on the invite, I might be of the same mind as you.

To give them the benefit of the doubt, the couple/s are not expecting their honeymoon to be funded by wedding guests, but rather than end up with 30 toasters, they are suggesting that this might be what you'd like to do.

Of course, its entirely up to you whether you want to do this or think its appropriate. I'm sure that if you got them a lovely, personal, well thought out gift instead they would be equally grateful.

[shirl2010]

usually couples will ask for money, esp if they already live together. this is often put towards honeymoon costs ... whats the difference?? just do what you want im sure other guests will meet their wishes

[unwillingpuppysitter]

Would it make you feel better to buy them an object of some sort that they don't want? If it would, then do that. OTOH if you want to make a gift (and let's face it, that is traditional at a wedding, and I bet you were given gifts at yours) then why does it make you unhappy to be able to get them something they actually want? Perhaps they could not afford the honeymoon without contributions and will remember it for ever, whereas if, like many modern couples, they already live together they probably have enough toasters/ pillowcases/ vases/ kettles already.

BTW You don't HAVE to accept the invitation if you don't want to pay for travel and a hotel. You could politely decline and simply send your carefully chosen toaster instead.

Best advice: cough up (as you propose), ENJOY YOURSELVES and help your friends/ relatives celebrate a life long commitment.

[AgentZigzag]

If you don't want to give them cash for the honeymoon then just give them something else, or nothing at all?

They sound OK, not been rude or anything, said they're happy for no gift but if anyone feels the need then this is what they'd prefer.

[dexter73]

I agree with TubbyDuffs. At least you are giving them something they want.

[Olivetti]

We had honeymoon vouchers as our gift list. Like you, I (still) feel a bit uncomfortable about the whole thing, and I had suggested not having a list at all. But my f-i-l pointed out that unless you have SOMETHING, people will bring things to the wedding - toasters, pictures etc whether you like it or not. We couldn't fit a single extra thing into our flat at the time, so we decided to ask for vouchers. I wasn't quite altruistic enough to do the charity thing....
I didn't bother with that "your presence is enough" bollocks. We just said "some people have asked about presents. We have a honeymoon account at..."
Still feels rude, to this day though.

[pointydog]

This comes up a lot.

I don't like it. I find it cheeky.

[MumblingRagDoll]

I tend to take a gift...I HATE these things. They mark you out...if all you can afford is the cheapest things then they know what you have spent!

I get something random and not on the list usually...I try to get nice things...but I resent being given a list!

YANBU they can buy their own frigging massage!

[MumblingRagDoll]

Oh...once I went to a wedding and said to someone "WHere do I put the gift?" and they shrugged...there was no table and yet the couple had put on the invitations that they wanted cash for their honeymoon but understood not everyone would be comfy with this so presents were fine....my present sat on this table all on its own all day and night!

[MumblingRagDoll]

shirl the difference is that I can only afford about a tenner! I feel embarrased about that...I spend a lot of time finding gifts which hopefully transcend monetary value and I dont want to stick a tenner in an envelope!

[nijinsky]

YANBU. Asking for money is vulgar.

When I get married, I am going to say that guest's presence is enough of a gift, although a personal gift of their choosing is most welcome.

I'm not so young that I cannot afford to buy my own things, and need to rely on a wedding list to set up home.

[bluepaws]

get em a toaster and be done with it


maldives pfft!

[Mumtomaybebabybella]

What grates is that they say on their invite they have everything they need for their home. So, why couldn't they just leave it at that?Or ask for a donation to charity? They are both young professionals and can well afford a honeymoon, and IMO should pay for it themselves - people can get very greedy about their weddings!

[Mumtomaybebabybella]

Just wonder why people feel they are somehow entitled to a gift...we have everything we need, so what can we ask for?

[TheseThingsAreGoodThings]

I would never accept anyones hospitaility without bringing a gift.

In this case - the hosts have indicated what they would like. Up to you to follow their suggestion or not.

I just dont understand the number of threads on here resenting buying a gift for others. If you don't want to go - don't go.

[Mumtomaybebabybella]

ps Don't like being asked for money either! I find it very rude.

[Mumtomaybebabybella]

I don't mind buying a gift! I just find this kind of thing grasping and greedy.

[meditrina]

I always think of a wedding list as a wish list. I don't come from a culture where giving cash is the norm, and so don't generally feel comfortable with that.

I might or might not buy from a list (largely depending on how reasonable the list was, and I've seen some formers!) but I would definitely send any present in advance, as otherwise it might mean a logistics problem on the day.

[kaj32]

We said no presents when my DH and I married. We received 8 bottles of champagne, 3 bottles of nice red wine, 4 photo frames and cash and gift vouchers.

Guests complained they didn't know what to get us. I have no problem with asking for contributions the way they have.

[Mumtomaybebabybella]

We had a gift list - one JL one and one charity. But we didn't put the details in with the gift list and waited for people to ask us if we had one rather than asking them directly.

[brass]

It is a bloody cheeky sense of entitlement to think people are going to keep coughing up for hens, stags, travel to wedding, pay for accomodation etc etc

Quite frankly if the wedding is going to cost me to attend in anyway I do not expect the couple to be particular about gifts. Very grabby.

[AgentZigzag]

It's a tradition to give a gift at weddings, so perhaps that does give some people the idea that they maybe will get gifts and to say what they prefer.

Why would you ignore the norm and decide to view it as grabby?

I want to give a gift and want to know what they'd prefer.

It's shitty to imply they're being greedy.

If you don't like it don't give them anything, to give to them with bad grace and whine about it is a bit low.

[TheBolter]

I don't mind. I expect to buy a gift, and I'd rather our money went towards something that the couple actually wanted or needed.

I believe that the idea of a wedding gift list is a little out of date nowadays! Most couples have set up home already, and gift lists should move with the times. If dh and I were to get married NOW, I would rather people bought us something we needed, i.e. money towards a break away with the children, household repairs etc, clothes vouchers etc... that said I wouldn't expect a gift now we're 'grown up'. Some friends of ours are getting married soon - second timers, in their forties, with great jobs and it would appear lots of disposable income. I had to ask them if they had a gift list and they said that if anyone wanted to contribute, then some travel vouchers would be most appreciated. I will happily buy them £20 vouchers as it will go to where they would most appreciate it!

Mind you, a bottle of good wine would do the job nicely for me these days! Perhaps Naked Wines should set up a gift list 'fill up a case' service...!

[MollyMurphy]

I think its fine. Today most couples live together long before the wedding and they don't need a bunch of plate sets and blenders etc.

My DH and I said something along the lines of "your presence is all that is required but if you would like to give a gift money toward or honeymoon would be much appreciated or feel free to surprise us however you wish" - something like that I don't remember the exact wording.

We had a house and a well established life so we decided not to register at the traditional home type store. Family and freinds know that our passion is travel and that we had been planning a huge backpacking trip to Europe - so to us that made sense. Those who chose the more traditional gift - fair enough. Why not give them something they want though?