to feel like a sh!t parent

[kiwibella]

this probably should go under "parenting" but I'm feeling irrational so need to hear some points of view.

Dd(15) met a boy online months ago. We always felt uncomfortable about the communication and reminded her that he might not be a 17yo but a dirty trucker instead. She organised a meet-up in London while she was staying with my sister. To be fair she was (somewhat) sensible - took a friend with her and met in a very public place. While staying in London she mucked my sister about a fair bit by not being where she said she was going and not coming home when she said she was... and it was only a couple of nights afterwards that she told me about it and then (probably) that he was coming to our home the next day. He has been up twice now.

Today I was meant to be out, dh was off to play cricket so dd had been arranged to babysit. At lunchtime there was a knock on the door... and the boy was stood there. Dd hadn't told us he was coming. I asked if dd knew he was coming (yes) and, later, whether he knew she was meant to be babysitting her sister (no). My immediate reaction was to send him back on the three hour journey home... but I didn't.

Dd is also meant to be going to a party tonight with her friends. I know the family are away but dd hasn't told us this. I also know that alcohol has been organised. Until now, I was going to trust dd with this sleepover - she has been to other parties and, so far, has been sensible with drink. I have resisted the urge all week to call the other mothers and drop them all in it.

I am expecting now to find out the dd's bf is also going to party / sleepover and will be about tomorrow. I know the invitation was extended to him.

I'm not sure what I am worried about - dd not telling us what is happening in her life? Dd being dishonest? Dd having a bf? Dd met the boy online??????? I'm wound up and concerned that discussing any of this with now with dd will result in me being very unreasonable.

[kiwibella]

• and then (probably ONLY BECAUSE) he was coming to our home the next day

[rainbowinthesky]

I think you need to let go a little and trust her.

[kiwibella]

Thanks Rainbow, I do trust her and the relationship. I don't understand why she never told us he was travelling up... especially when she should have been looking after her 4yo sister. If I had of gone out today it is likely that we wouldn't have known that he was coming up.

[rainbowinthesky]

Because she's 15 and you're her parents.

[kiwibella]

yes, you're right again!!

[maxpower]

I'm guessing that bottom line, you're worried they'll meet up at the party, have a bit to drink and then have unprotected sex.

To me, this looks like an issue of responsibility. You have been happy with her being responsible, until her behaviour in London, when she was mucking your sister around (coindicentally or not, the same time as when the bf appeared on the scene). If I were you, I'd talk to your DD about your expectations of her in terms of responsibility and trust. Don't make it about he bf - in fact, don't mention it. Explain that you were disappointed in her behaviour when staying with your sister and the recent babysitting thing. If she can reassure you and regain your trust, I'm sure you'd feel better about the bf situation.

[TheVisitor]

If the parents aren't going to be there, I certainly wouldn't be allowing her to sleep over at the party. I'd be collecting her at 11pm. Otherwise you're giving her full, open licence to sleep with the boy at age 15. I'd be unhappy that there is going to be alcohol and it's all unsupervised.

[rainbowinthesky]

TheVisitor - they can have sex before the hour of 11pm.

[bellavita]

So, let me get this right....

DD is going to a party tonight (she is 15) where there are going to be NO ADULTS, but alcohol, she is sleeping over and now the boyfriend is going too?

The actual having a boyfriend bit wouldn't bother me, maybe I would be a little bit peeved that she met him online because as you say, he could have been someone else entirely than he led her to believe.

BUT it would be the party bit that i would be about....

Now i don't have girls only boys, my oldest is nearly 14. However, I do not think I would be happy if I thought he was taking a girl to a party with no adults present and alcohol being served.

Btw you are not a shit parent.

[pjmama]

Is this right - she had permission to go to a party with a sleepover, then her boyfriend turns up unannounced at a time when you weren't supposed to be in? Presumably this means that she was planning to spend the night with him, without your knowledge, at a party where she also hasn't told you there will be alcohol available and no adult supervision?

I'd be telling her to either send him home, or if they both go to the party then they're not sleeping over. She hasn't been honest with you.

[pjmama]

Actually, the more I think about it I think I might send him home AND ban her from the party!

[Tanith]

She has been deceitful and underhand. Her behaviour is not that of a responsible, trustworthy young woman; it's the behaviour of a silly child testing the boundaries.
If she were my daughter, she would not be going to the sleepover.

[compo]

I think it all comes down too if at 15 you want her drinking and having sex with her boyfriend

[kiwibella]

thank so much... so much to consider. The two have been talking online for about 6 months before meeting. That's a long time to make our own pre-conceived opinions of the boy!!! Although she has been secretive about arrangements, she has been honest afterwards. And, I hope, open about her intentions with the boy. I do have concerns about this changing with alcohol and peer pressure. She has already told me most of her friends have started having sex. I hope that she will be sensible when it comes to having sex - that it is for the right reasons and not just "because".

The party and the boy turning up are almost two different events - he's turned up at lunchtime and the party is tonight. I am now decided that dh will be picking her up tonight and she won't be sleeping over. Hopefully she will break and she will tell me the family is away before then :)

[kiwibella]

pjmama - that was exactly my initial instinct!!! I'm still fighting against it.

[bellavita]

pjmama & Tanith - I did think that too.

[kiwibella]

Tanith - I appreciate what you have said and think you are very right. I am thinking about bringing up what has happened today with them both at tea time. Hopefully dh will be home by then.

[kiwibella]

strandedbear - god, no! I hadn't thought about verifying that he is who he says he is, so to speak .

[worraliberty]

She's been very sneaky and underhanded about all of this.

It seems she also invited him to your home, thinking you'd be out.

Have you spoken about contracepetion?

[forehead]

I would be more concerned about the bf that she met online tbh.

[Gentleness]

I have no experience with this but it sounds like your plan is sensible. BUT I also think that if I was one of the other mums who doesn't know there will be no adult supervision AND alcohol at this sleepover, and found out you'd helped them keep it from me, I would be furious, frightened and inclined to agree with your post title.