Complaints about motherhood doing my head in

[thefruitwhisperer]

A friend of a friend had a baby around the same time as me. I knew her a abit as she also dated my best friends flatmate and my partners friend. She was always a bit crazy attention seeking but on the whole I took her to be a nice girl.

We live in a small town, and so we go to the same groups and see the same people. Obviously we now spend quite a bit more time talking now. Everywhere time I see her she complains about her sons feeding (same problem I had really, breastfeeding and not enough weight gain), complains about sleeping, complains about teething, then she complains she doesnt have enough mummy friends and I have more, and that shes put on more weight than me, her FB statuses are always about the problems shes having, interspered with boasting comments that she then turns into negatives too, like 'Hes been rolling since he was 3 months. But its a NIGHTMARE getting him to sleep properly in his cot'. Its like she does it so that people say Oh no, what a terrible time you are having.

I hate it! Every mum has problems of some sort, we are all different. Its never easy for anybody, but its like she wants sympathy for the things that we all have to go through. Loads of us are harrassed and knackered. How can I get away from this woman?! I feel bad thinking that some of the women she is unloading all this stuff onto might be badly suffering in silence themselves . Moaning about being a mother make me feel so

Even our joint friends call her a drama queen. Before everyone starts she doesnt have PND, she was like this before Ive now been told! AIBU to start going to baby group in the next town?

[MoonGirl1981]

Nope, go to the next town.

Having someone continuously moaning can be incredibly draining and irritating. I don't blame you for being fed up!

[mymummyisasquarehead]

Quite simple, i'd have thought. If you don't like sopending time with her and she annoys you, don't do it!

As a parent, I fully reserve the right to moan/complain if I feel like it, but it's not all the time!

[thefruitwhisperer]

Its actually worked to my disadvantage that I knew her before. I cant run away when I see her walk through the door!

'Wooohooo!!! FRUIT!!! Its MEEEEEEEEEEE!'

[scentednappyhag]

YANBU. A friend of mine is 33 weeks pregnant, and all of Facebook have been treated to a daily list of woe from her since she found out. It's recently occurred to me that this isn't going to end just because she has the baby at some point...!
Draining- especially if you have your own child to be thinking about.

[redexpat]

YANBU. A little moan here and there is acceptable, but some people are just glass half empty. Find some glass half full people in the next town.

[thefruitwhisperer]

Obviously a moan here and there is fine! Maybe a few moans here and there! But this is relentless.

[gkys]

she sounds like a real drain on your energy levels, avoid avoid avoid,

[headfairy]

yanbu... you have my sympathy. I'm in a similar position, but unfortunately it's my best friend I've known for almost 20 years. She's great fun, but since having children it's been one long tale of woe about things that are actually quite normal experiences for parents of young children. I don't want to cut her off as she's a good friend so I've developed a selective hearing problem. However if I were you I'd be developing some avoidance tactics.

[jeckadeck]

YANBU but I don't know why you feel obliged to tolerate it. Its not like she's an old friend or you owe her anything. If she is a pain in the arse can't you just avoid her?

[thefruitwhisperer]

This town is too small and she drives. She seems to know every mum Ive encountered too, shes all over the internet!

[LoopyLoopsBettyBoops]

PND perhaps?

[jeckadeck]

fruitwhisperer yes actually I'd forgotten how bad small towns can be for that sort of thing. I would just be very assertive with your time -- let her rant on for a bit and then say you have to go and pick up your kid/wash your guinea pig's hair and don't worry too much about whether you've offended her.

[LoopyLoopsBettyBoops]

Ah sorry, just seen last bit of your OP. Are you sure though?

Some people find it harder than others. Just because you're getting on with it without too many issues doesn't mean others will. If you do like her, then try to help her out.

If you don't like her, then don't be her friend. Simple, no?

[thefruitwhisperer]

Loops, Ive had issues, Ive struggled. I'd like to meet a mum who hasnt. Everyone has their own issues, thats my point. All of the things she picks on are normal developmental things. I was actually worried she had PND but everyone Id spoken to has told me shes like this about everything.

Holy, thats exactly what I mean. Sod it, Im going to the next town! I feel empowered :D

[Mammie81]

Walk away Fruit! Save yourself!

[LoveLeonardCohen]

But maybe she's finding motherhood difficult and is feeling frustrated and needs to vent. I mean it can be a lonely business sometimes and some people including myself don't find it particularly easy or enjoys it every single day and that's just the way it is.

[thefruitwhisperer]

I get that. Im all for mothers, its hard, way harder than I ever envisiged.

But some of the women shes talking to could be having a way worse time and feel they cant speak up. Ive been told that shes always like this, about her studying, her flat, her relationships, her drinking, her weight. My friend says if you dont text her back within an hour she will phone you demanding to know why. (Ive not given her my number!)

Im just not down with complaining about your children doing things that they cant help ie growing teeth.

[sleepingsowell]

I think you need to SPEAK to her first - so far, no one has ever actually told her how she's coming across! Why are we so scared of being honest to someone?
Just tell her that she is being incredibly negative and you're worried about her. Is she ok?
If she says yes, then say fine - lets talk positive today then otherwise I'll go mad. Lets count our blessings today.
If she keeps on - pick her up on it.
Why should that be impossible to do? Takes a little bit of courage but not much.

[working9while5]

YANB entirely U..

but

some people moan to bond.. they think that by sharing their woes they are "opening up" and they don't consider that others find it draining, they think they are hogging the limelight, they think that they are opening a door to confidences etc.

Are you sure you are interpreting her motivation fairly? Is she really looking for people to tell her what a terrible time she is having or is she a) just saying it how she sees it to be or b) thinking that by sharing she is giving permission to others to moan if they want to?

In terms of: "Im just not down with complaining about your children doing things that they cant help ie growing teeth", well, there you are being a bit unreasonable.

Most things kids do they can't help, but you know, 15 months in when ds was again screaming at night after only a 4 week reprieve in 8 months, I bloody well moaned about it even though I suspected it was his teeth.
I also moaned about the bfing/weight gain thing because I was worried as hell. Internally I had concocted all sorts of cancers and metabolic disorders and other things that would kill my child although when I "moaned" at groups it was much more generic whining about why he wouldn't put on weight and how much I hated my perfectly reasonable HV and HV's in general etc. I hate it when people say to "remind" people that children can die etc because certainly my own anxiety and awareness of that is very, very high and perhaps never more so than when I am feeling guilty about whinging about my child. Yet it's not really always realistic not to moan about your gorgeous precious baby. Sleep deprivation certainly impacts upon positivity. I found a year of little sleep (and the frustration and desperation and sense of failure that I couldn't "crack" sleeping) very, very hard going. I hope I didn't moan too much, but I definitely moaned!

And you know, pains in the arses are not immune to PND so the fact that she was a PITA before doesn't really mean she's not struggling. She may be the kind of person who struggles with everything in life. No reason for you to befriend her or tolerate it, of course, but I always feel sorry for people for whom life is such a struggle. It's their loss in the end of the day.

[working9while5]

Sorry, that should be "they don't think they are hogging the limelight"

[VajazzHands]

YANBU, motherhood is hard, but don't people expect that before they get pregnant? also as has been metioned before bitching and whining all over and on FB is especially upsetting to people who would die to be in her position and to have a child. 3 years of infertility I had to go through alone while my friends whined about pregnacy and babies. Yeah my baby is hard work now.. BUt I am fucking thankful to have her!

[working9while5]

Vajazz, do you really think that people who moan a bit aren't thankful to have their kids? . I am absolutely 100% delighted and thrilled with my little man and think the sun shines out of his tiny bottom.. I also truly give thanks to whatever God there may be for every minute of every day he is in my life but when we were really failing on the sleep front and I was going up with him to bed at 8 and having him scream in my face for hours no matter what I did, it was very testing. This didn't impact on my love for him one whit but because there are absolutely much harder things in life didn't magically make it enjoyable and/or less frustrating.

I totally understand the point about moaning on fb, yes, and people need some social cop on and grace and decorum, but is it reasonable that people shouldn't ever moan or whinge just to vent a bit of frustration? Isn't that what many of these P&T groups are for to keep the baby madness away from the rest of the population who really, really don't want to hear it??

[VajazzHands]

Don't rememeber saying that people should never moan? Where did I say that? Constant attentino seeking on FB to all and sundry is what I said said. And this person is doing enough whining to irritate her friends, that's how you know its too much.