DS HATES his school (bullying, mad teachers etc)

[DarkenedSky]

Posted this in a few topics, I really need answers :-(

From the age of 3 to 9 DS2 went to school 'A'. He mixed with a rowdy set of lads and they were always in trouble for fighting, trouble causing and basically being pains. DS was placed on school action plus but the school were terrible when it came to letting me know what was happening. They begrudged it when I tried to speak to them about DS progress, just didn't seem interested. On the way home from school one night the group of lads were caught chucking stones at cars. DS wasn't involved this time as he wasn't with them by chance but other nights, he would have been and on this particular night the lads were caught by a police officer (after a stone hit the police car!!) and one of the lads actually punched the officer. Thank god DS wasn't with them this night. Anyway I told DS after this that he wasn't to mix with these kids anymore. True to his word, he refused to walk home with them the night after and in return they kicked the shit out of him in the street.

So chapter 2 - I moved him to school 'B'. Now, I went to school B as a child and HATED it, I was bullied and made to feel like shit BUT it is known to be the best school in the city, was rated as outstanding by ofsted and has an excellent name. I told myself my experience was 20+ years ago and DS would be fine.

First few days he loved it. Now he HATES it. He says he has no friends at all in his class, he gets called a retard and a tramp, the other kids laugh at him and generally take the piss out of him.

I don't know if its a social 'class' thing or not school 'a' was on the edge of a council state so DS never had a problem of people thinking he was 'poor' or stupid because everyone was very similar in that respect. School 'B' is in a very posh area, the kids are generally well off (one little girl in his class proudly takes her blackberry curve to school and a lad in year 6 has an iphone). I just don't know what to do next. Tonight he came home in tears, the teacher had read his homework out loud in front of the entire class and said it was awful, not written in English and was a mess and rubbish basically. He ended up in a big argument on his table where everyone turned against him and said he was "horrible" and that they intended to tell everyone in the school or horrible and disgusting he was. At hometime an older boy kicked him numerous times before a girl pushed him against the wall and refused to let him go, he shouted at her very loud and pushed her to which the older kid decided DS had "attacked a girl" and kicked him very hard in return.

He absolutely hates the school and is begging me to let him go back to his old school. It's so difficult though because school 'B' is the feeder school for the secondary school he will be going to so next september (2012) he's going to have to see 99% of these kids again anyway.

Only other option is that I try and get him into the primary in the neighbouring village with a view of also letting him go to the village secondary school (which is a different school to his brother.

But how many times is this going to happen??? what if I send him to another school and it all starts again?? how many times can we simply say "this isn't working, we're moving". He's in year 6 after september.

I really regret moving him to school 'B' I feel so guilty but I don't know what to do to make it better??

He's written me a list of the names he gets called inc, queer, gayboy, tramp, spaz, div, idiot, freak etc

He tells me everyone in the school hates him and the teachers always side with the other kids because they back each other up.

[Ginabraz]

Wow, your poor son. I don't know what to suggest as my DSs are still in nursery (thank the lord). However, my gut feeling says that you should try to encourage him to stay at school B given he will be with most of them for secondary school. Maybe the teasing will fade once he's know longer the 'new boy'.

[AccioPinotGrigio]

And this is a primary school? My god.

I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation. My opinion is that you couldn't have left him in school 'A' where the group he was in with were clearly a risk to him. So you did the right thing moving him.

The question now is do you leave him where he is for another year and hope things work out or move him again.

The situation at school 'B' sounds horrendous - the violence in particular. I work closely with the two primary school's in my area and I can honestly say this level of physical violence just does not happen. But we are in a small-ish rural area.

Have you spoken to the school 'B' staff about the situation? I think the teacher was wrong to belittle your son in that way.

If there is absolutely no prospect of him being happy in school 'B', I would definitely consider moving to school 'C' and hoping for the best.

[SusanneLinder]

Speak to the Head Teacher IMMEDIATELY! My DC was bullied by a teacher because she had ASD, and we went to the Head AND the Education board.

Shocking behaviour!

[Insomnia11]

This shouldn't go on or be tolerated at the school, and I mean the kids' behaviour AND the teacher's. I would have a word with the class teacher and headteacher and go to the governors. If you can't get any joy then, you may have to consider school C.

[TheVisitor]

I would suggest making an appointment and going in to talk about it. I would also think about collecting him from school so the children don't have so much of an opportunity to get at him.

However, please be aware that maybe his behaviour is not being 100% desirable, particularly after him mixing and messing about with the boys in the previous school. Maybe some of what he is getting is retaliation. If I'm wrong, then I apologise. I just thought I would offer a balanced view.

[ScousyFogarty]

YES, TAKE THAT ADVICE FROM THE VISITOR

[Yukana]

Talk to the headteacher. Although to be honest teachers and headteachers generally either don't do much or next to nothing in terms of bullying despite stating that they are very anti-bullying.

If things don't work out after speaking to the headteacher/someone higher up, move to a different school and keep an eye on things, supporting your son through it.

After that, I can only suggest getting some further advice and/or home schooling.

[smsm]

If what he's telling you is even partly accurate then you need to speak to the school's head - the behaviour of the teacher and the children is not acceptable, and they need to know (and do something about it!)
Make sure that he's being wholly truthful with you before you go there, though.

[lljkk]

I'd probably move to school C, but you need to try to understand better what has gone so pear-shaped at school B.

[TheLadyEvenstar]

Hmm see I have had this with DS1.

I didn't move him but worked closely with the school.

Then he went to secondary where he knew nobody and guess what the bullying started again so after a month I pulled him out.

He started a second secondary school and although there have been a few incidents they have not compared to previous ones.

With children its very difficult to tell if they have said or done something first to cause the situation. I know with DS1 although he was bullied and it really wasn't his fault the other children took offence at the things he said/did but then he has AS and says things wrongly.

[Wyke129]

If I were you I would go into the school (B) and see the head. Prepare well for the meeting and state very clearly what you want him/ her to deal with. What you are describing is entirely unacceptable. Schools are very good at soft soap of the " oh yes terrible we will deal with it" type but doing little. You need a meeting with the head resulting in an action plan- try to leave knowing what he/she is going to do and when/ how he will contact you to let you know the outcomes. The teacher's behaviour needs to be included however long ago it was but I would be open to hearing another version too. It might not only be quite as your son experienced it.

If you can't get a satisfactory outcome I would make a very clear complaint to the governors and move your son to school C. It seems to me that the experience at A was particular and for whatever reason your son hasn't settled in well in B. I don't think that necessarily means the experience will be repeated. Good luck!

[aliceliddell]

We had similar-ish with dd in yr3-4. "chose" home ed as school was useless, then got her into a fab school where the prob was resolved (eventually). The EWO that WE contacted for help automatically took the school's side and was useless. The home ed wasn't that bad, much less stress than the useless school. Maybe consider home ed until ds goes to secondary? Check out their support systems like school/family liaison etc. It's a hideous situation; all the best!

[sleepingsowell]

I think you (or other adult) should be, and should have been for a long time in the other school, collecting him! A hell of a lot of the problems you describe wouldn't have even been able to happen if he was walking home with you or another adult.
My ds is in year 3, and nearly all of his class are still collected by adults. So are the year above him.
I think with the teacher reading out the homework incident, I would request a meeting with the head about this and request to see their bullying policy. I think it would be good to tell the head that your son is miserable at the school, and can they make a plan to assist him to settle in better.
One of the main things though I think is for him to be taken to and from school, until he's settled and has formed some good friendships.