Support after an ectopic pregnancy

[LulaFortune]

Hello, I'm new to Mumsnet (although have "lurked" recently, doing research) so I don't know all the forum rules/ niceties/ conventions... please be gentle with me.

I had a ruptured ectopic pregnancy last week, and went through emergency surgery. I didn't even know I was "pregnant" because I had been having what seemed to be periods. It was all very sudden, unexpected and, frankly, terrifying.

Anyhoo, the AIBU question relates to the support (or lack thereof) from my best friend.

She works really hard, and long hours. I understand and appreciate this. She called me the day I had surgery and we had a brief conversation, then she was going to come round and see me last Friday, but cancelled, via text, due to work. She said in that text that she might pop in on Sunday evening, but there followed radio silence until last night when I got a brief text from her, apologising for not being in touch and saying she had been busy at work doing really long hours.

Last year she had 2 MMCs. it was a horrible, painful time for her. She had been TTC for over a year before the first MMC. I visited her a lot, called her, emailed her and gave her loads of support throughout both MMCs and after.

I wasn't actually TTC although, ironically, my husband and I had just agree that we would start.

So, I can see that she is genuinely busy, and that perhaps being with me at the moment could bring back difficult memories and feelings for her, but we've been friends for over 25 years and I really, really needed her this week. Even a text saying she was thinking of me would have been helpful.

As I type this I am feeling increasingly angry with her. I don't want to fall out with her over this, so am not sure how to respond to her text from last night.

I'm also aware that I am not quite rational at the moment, as my HCG levels were still 25+ on Tuesday this week.

Thoughts? AIBU or AIBOS?

Thanks for listening.

[Crawling]

I am so sorry to hear what you have been through, IMO your friend was very unsupportive. I would have found her behaviour upsetting too.

[LulaFortune]

Thanks, Crawling. Helpful to get other people's perspective as I am worried it's just me being hormonal/ overemotional.

[Pancakeflipper]

I can understand why you are pissed off with her. I can only think this has thrown up alot of memories/issues for her and she's not currently dealing with herself very well. She's probably ashamed of her behaviour but cannot stop herself. I think you stop thinking of her and concentate on you and those who are offering support.

Or shes a self-centred thoughtless cow who doesn't give 2-hoots.

[hairylights]

Yanbu and I'm sorry for your loss and for the lack of support.

But I'm also wondering if this has brought back memories. Two mmc is hard to deal with.

My suspected ectopic was also when I didn't know I was pregnant and I have to say that for me, the two subsequent mmc have been far, far harder to cope with.

[Crawling]

OP when you had the surgery did they have to remove one of your tubes?

[LulaFortune]

Pancake - I think you're right about the being ashamed bit, I think if I challenge her right now she'll become defensive. I have had great support from other friends so you're right, I should focus on that.

Oh my, hairylights... I'm so, so sorry that you've had to go through all of that. Is there any light on the horizon for you? Have you been tested/ treated after the MMCs? I referred to research in my first post... it was after my friend's first MMC that I came on here looking for information. I was incredibly shocked to see how common it is, and also that it seems to depend on your local PCT as to whether or not you can get access to tests and treatment for MMC.

I'm sure that she and I will talk about this in time, and maybe I do need to consider her feelings at the moment, too.

[LulaFortune]

Crawling - no, thankfully. The foetus had implanted in or near the fimbrae and didn't cause major damage to my fallopian tube. I was very lucky. I lost a lot of blood, apparently but there's little internal damage.

[hairylights]

Hi lula I count myself lucky as I haven't had a confirmed ectopic. They didn't have any evidence of one so it was a "pregnancy of unknown location" and they gave me methotrexate. I suspect it was a very early failure .

I'm undergoing testing now. Results of bloods on 10th may.

How are you getting along? So sorry you had a ruptured ectopic - as I sat I count my blessings as that's quite a scary thing to happen .

[Crawling]

It still sounds like you had a rough time, I hope your friend comes round soon. Do you have other friends or family that can offer support?

[LulaFortune]

hairylights - I'm ok, thanks. I'm amazed at how quickly the body heals itself. I hope your tests either show that there's something they can treat, or that there's nothing physically wrong... although the latter is probably more frustrating as it doesn't provide any answers. Anyhow, thinking of you.

Crawling - my DH has been pretty good (for a South African who doesn't do emotions!) and we also have a lodger who's a good friend and she's been brilliant. Other friends have been good, too.

Ladies, thank you for responding, I really do appreciate it

[LadylissielouofShropshire]

I understand why you feel let down, youve been through a lot and it will take some time to recover physically as well as emotionally. Ive found that my rl friends find my mc's and ep very difficult to deal with. they dont know how to behave around you and what to say. and its as if fertility issues are contagious so you have to be quarantined. this will also have bought her own grief to the forefront again, if she has been ttc for a while and you werent even trying it will have bought forward selfish, impotent, rage and grief, and she probably doesnt know how to deal with it. ectopic pregnancy is also quite rare, many people dont know about it. its shown so unrealistically on tv that people are unsure.

maybe message her, say "I know you are really busy and have your own stuff going on, but I need my best friend right now" if she doesnt reply - bin her off!

[IgnoringTheChildren]

So sorry to hear about your ectopic pregnancy. A friend of mine (close friend but I wouldn't say best friend) went through a very similar experience a couple of years ago and it took her a long time to recover from the surgery physically, let alone mentally. I certainly gave her more support than you've received from your best friend, as did many of her other friends, some of whom live a long way away and work long hours - we co-ordinated to ensure that she always had someone visiting her once her husband returned to work so she was never alone for long. I also know that she received cards, flowers, phone calls, emails and texts from friends who couldn't visit as well as those who could.

Shortly after this I had a MMC and even though she was still recovering herself (and was worried that she wouldn't be able to have children - she already had fertility issues and her surgery was messy) she did as much as she could to support me, which as she still couldn't drive was mostly through texts and calls etc.

YANBU to be upset at the lack of support she's given you and, while I wouldn't necessarily end a friendship over it I would certainly have difficulties understanding why she didn't at least text you every day.

I wish you a speedy recovery from your surgery and hope that you get the support you need to move on from this.

[AitchTwoOh]

how are you feeling emotionally, about the pregnancy?

[LulaFortune]

Ladylissie - yes, good point about me not TTC. We've got friends getting pregnant all over the place so it is difficult for her.

ITC - That's what I was hoping for from her, I guess.

AitchTwoOh - I'm not quite sure, yet. does that sound stupid? I think it helps ina strange way that an EP is never a viable pregnancy. I feel a bit daft that I didn't notice the signs of pregnancy (periods notwithstanding). It all seems a bit obvious now!

I'm off for a bath now so will be logging off.

Thank you again, everyone, for your kind words and rational, helpful responses. I like MN already!
xx

[AitchTwoOh]

i am inclined to agree with lissie here, but i would also say that your admirably practical approach (which might change, of course) might be hard for her to take. not only that, she might think that you are now on the ttc-wagon and that may be hard for her, because there is every chance that if so, you will be a mother before she is. this stuff is soooo hard, for everyone. i'm so sorry that you lost the pregnancy under such unpleasant circumstances, and hope you feel better soon.

[hairylights]

Youre more than welcome to come across to the miscarriage/pregnancy loss section, lots of support and info to be had there. lula

[LadylissielouofShropshire]

can i just recommend the EPT