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AIBU?

Sorry another mil one....

19 replies

Moulesfrites · 27/04/2011 20:43

ok, my ds is 13 weeks old. When I was pg it was agreed that on my return to work he will spend Wednesday's at pils. Dh and I have just decided that I will take the full year of mat leave, but we have not told pils that yet, so they were still under the impression that I will go back in sept.

Dh was speaking to mil today and suggested that I start leaving ds with them on a weds so he has time to get used to it. WTF? To be fair, she did not know I had chAnged my mind about the length of mat leave, but sept is still 4 months away. Ds is still tiny, ebf, not weaned yet - no way am I ready to leave him for a day!

It is not as if ds is not used to them, he sees them at least one a week anyway. I gave a few issues with mil. I feel our relationship has changed since ds was born, and everything she does and says annoys me ATM. I think it stems from when she stayed at ours on the first night we brought ds home and she came into our bedroom and took ds off me when he was crying, but that was another thread....

So aibu to think mil just wants to get her Mits on ds again and this is far too early for her to be thinking about the transition of me going back to work?

OP posts:

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EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 27/04/2011 20:46

She came into your bedroom and took your EBF newborn off you on your first night home?

YANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNBU.

Hardandsleazy · 27/04/2011 20:47

I don't understand history but sounds like a lot of hassle if you do go ahead with wednesday with mil while you feel this way. Also she may think she is doing your a favour by offering to look after ds (as well as getting her Mits on hi, as you call it but that's not completely unreasonable for a Gp).

Hardandsleazy · 27/04/2011 20:47

And re taking hi, off you- why did you or dh let her?

TarheelMama · 27/04/2011 20:49

You might feel differently by September.

I think it'd be good for DS to send him in Sept. Better to get him used to having some time away from you when he's still young.

I started my DD going to a neighbour one day a week when she was about 6 months old. She loves and I look forward to my me time.

FloraPost · 27/04/2011 20:49

YANBU, it is too early. Your DS must be changing by the day atm and you are still getting to know each other as he changes. at her coming into your room, I'd have gone feral.

Moulesfrites · 27/04/2011 20:52

Re the first night, I can't really remember tbh, I was a weepy, sleep deprived, hormonal wreck and didn't really know WTF was happening, but I knew I had to feed my baby, and she thought he was feeding too much. Knowing what I know now I would not have allowed it to happen but I had only been a mum for 2 days....

OP posts:

VeronicaCake · 27/04/2011 20:53

Yes it is a bit early, but she is probably excited and looking forward to more time with her DGS. She isn't doing anything wrong, she is just being enthusiastic.

I don't want to presume anything but at 13weeks everything my MIL did upset me because I was so knackered and still not feeling very confident about my mothering skills which made me very defensive. Now DD is nearly one we get on like a house on fire. I'd love it if she lived near us and could help with childcare but unfortunately she is more than 100m away.

Did you get on before? Do you still want DS to go to her on Wed when you go back to work? If so why not just have a gentle chat with her now about when that will be and how you'll handle the transition. Be honest about feeling sensitive and that you are not ready to leave him for a day. Maybe MIL could have him for a couple of hours initially. She may be a bit gung ho and tactless but she doesn't have the opportunity to be more sensitive to your feelings if you don't tell her what they are.

Vallhala · 27/04/2011 20:54

Perhaps her logic is that if he gets into a routine at 3 months onwards it won't be as hard upon him as it would if he got to 7 months of age and then suddenly spent a day with Nanny and not Mum IYSWIM? Particularly bearing in mind that until a few years ago weaning was recommended at 3 to 4 months so she probably isn't thinking that your DS will be reliant solely on milk for much longer.

Is it possible that this is the case and that previous events are clouding your judgment and opinion of the matter?

(And understandably if so, she'd have been told to fuck right off had she come into my bedroom and taken my newborn from me!).

TooManyPufflesInMyIgloo · 27/04/2011 20:55

Time to rethink that childcare option then ...

Flisspaps · 27/04/2011 21:00

Just say no, there's no need and you'd like to spend as much time with him as you can before returning to work.

saffy85 · 27/04/2011 21:01

YANBU if you feel it's a bit early right now, then it's too early. You might feel differently in a months time and be happy to hand baby over one day a week. Be a bit tricky right now anyway as baby is EBF. How does mil propose she feeds him? lop off one of your breasts?

If your feelings towards your mil have changed since your baby has been born maybe you should look at other childcare options now? Not to "punish" MIL but because you clash over how she looks after him o just how she is with him in general, her looking after him as a favour to you could go horribly wrong. I know this from experience with my own mother.

hophophippidtyhop · 27/04/2011 21:04

You don't have that amount of settling time when you settle them with a childminder, so certainly that amount of time is not needed for a grandparent he already sees once a week. Imagine the expressing needed as well if he's still bf. Too much faff, I'd wait until nearer the time.

Xales · 27/04/2011 21:06

Way too soon! At 13 weeks and EBF she is on a different planet if she wants him for an entire day.

If you are being pressurised and she is the sort who is happy to come and snatch your new born baby the night you come out of hospital you need a re think about child care.

waterrat · 27/04/2011 21:30

while im sure it's annoying - I think you have to take a deep breath and realise that your own feelings are contributing to your sudden irritation with her. she loves your child and is being over eager - its not a crime. someone said 'well now you need another childcare option' ..come on - seriously, she is the granny and is overbearing, it doesnt mean she is evil. Be glad shei s there and wants to be involved.

I think you are taking this way too much to heart - simply say, no he's not ready, I want to enjoy every day I can with him! say it kindly and then stop thinking about it. do not waste any more thought on this. She cant take him away - her behaviour ni the bedroom when he was new was thoughtless, but people were different with babies in the old days...they were passed around people a lot more. She can't do that now - and you shouldn't turn against her simply because she is tryign to help.

give her a break and enjoy your time with your baby without worrying about this. I ahve seen so many friends turn on their MILs after the birth..its a natural thing unfortunately, probably part of a primal desire to be the lead female and be ultra protective of our babies.....dont let it bother you - you are the mum, thats what matters.

lillibet1 · 29/04/2011 21:10

my mil is having ds 2 days when I go back to work tuesday wish she had started having him earlier as he was ebf to and now won't eat or drink for her at 6 months old but if she is trying to steal your son YNBU

TheSkiingGardener · 29/04/2011 21:29

Did she ask, suggest or tell? Maybe she is trying to be helpful but with all the tact of an elephant. Same goes with the first night, she probably thought she was helping. I would really, really say you need to talk to her and sort a few things out.

coffeewhitenosugar · 29/04/2011 21:42

hi, i dont think yabu, he's still so young, especially as you arent going back to work yet. when you are ready to leave him for a while what about letting her look after him for a couple of hours in your home while you go shopping or something then its still your turf so to speak and when you come home you take over again? Just a thought. i agree that having a chat with her might be a good idea if you have that kind of relationship and tell her how you feel? she may be just trying to help but he's your ds and she does need to respect that. also agree about enjoying your time with ds and not letting it get to you - time flies when they are small and you need to make the most of it. try to forgive and get along you may need her help later.

NinkyNonker · 29/04/2011 21:45

I think you are being a bit sensitive to be honest, just say no... there is no need to take offence. They are doing you a favour.

usualsuspect · 29/04/2011 21:50

I don't think shes trying to steal your son

sounds like shes clumsily trying to help

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