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AIBU?

To still want a third child ...

45 replies

zozzle · 25/04/2011 22:10

... after DH has said definitely no. He's been saying no for over a year but I still can't get the idea out of my head and spend hours thinking about it. DH has not found having kids easy - he loves ours dearly of course. When I tell him how I feel he tells me to try and find other people who've gone through the same thing to talk to. I have done this and it has helped a tiny bit.

I'm nearly 39 and have felt like this for 18 months. I work part -time with children and every time I see a baby I struggle.

I have two lovely kids a girl and a boy (7 and 3) and friends tell me I'm mad to want more and should be grateful for what I've got. I am very grateful.

When does the longing go away?

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MrsBananaGrabber · 25/04/2011 22:13

I had DC 3 in December, she is fab. My eldest is 9 and I have a 7 year old, I just had to have a third, I would have regretted it for the rest of my life if I hadn't had her.

Sorry, i'm not helping, but I have been there.

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A1980 · 25/04/2011 22:15

"I work part -time with children and every time I see a baby I struggle."

Everytime I see a baby I struggle as I'm 31, have PCOS and a prolactinoma, I tried to conceive for over a year before my exP decided he didn't want to try anymore......

You have a lovely family. Enjoy it Grin

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zozzle · 25/04/2011 22:22

Yes A1980 I know that of course there will be people who don't understand because their situation is worse than mine for which of course I sympathise.

I don't think that invalidates my feelings though does it?

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FabbyChic · 25/04/2011 22:24

Do you think you want one more because your husband doesn't?

It does have to be a joint decision.

Could it be because you know that nature will take its course at somepoint and the decision will be out of your hands?

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A1980 · 25/04/2011 22:26

No it doesn't invalidate your feelings but if a 3rd doesn't happen for you, you still have 2 children. I may not have any children at all given that I'm now single again.

I'm not in a good place right now so I wont say any more as it isn't fair to you.

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zozzle · 25/04/2011 22:30

Am hoping things do work out for you in the future A1980.

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A1980 · 25/04/2011 22:31

You too Smile

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hairylights · 25/04/2011 22:33

I'm with a1980. While I sympathise , if your DH doesn't want another then you are stuck with two.

Enjoy them for all the women who cannot have what you have but who want it so desperately.

Nothing is guaranteed in life.. I can conceive but I have miscarried three in 12 months.

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lynehamrose · 25/04/2011 22:37

I went through a time of very much wanting a 3rd. Dh was adamant he wanted just two. Over time I realised there were several feelings behind this- I wanted a girl (our two are boys) and also the feeling was most strong when the youngest was coming up for school age and I felt a bit like I needed another baby to give me a new focus. Dh is very logical , he is the head where I am the heart. He helped me see that even if we had a 3rd, there was no guarantee of a girl, and he also said he thought i would probably feel the same when the youngest was coming up to school age, whether we had 3 or even 4. Looking back I feel he was seeing the truth. I wont lie, I still have pangs sometimes but I have thrown myself into my job and other things. Our boys are close in age and get on so well and when im thinking rationally I know that having another after a bigger age gap would probably bring its problems. I am 3 years on now from feeling so strongly about it, and apart from the occasional pang, I am very happy with our boys and overall glad we are a family of four

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MrsBananaGrabber · 25/04/2011 22:38

With all due respect to the ladies who can't have children, it doesn't mean that the OP can't long for another baby, I was consumed with wanting another one and I had two wonderful DS's, it's not a rational feeling. The only difference between me and the OP is that my DH wanted another one too.

OP, how will you feel in 10, 20 years, will you always regret not having another.

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Schnullerbacke · 25/04/2011 22:40

Have you thought about why you want to have a third? I am only asking because I also find myself in this position. Although I can probably pinpoint where it is coming from and am trying to deal with it. I loved giving birth and loved the time straight afterwards and of course all the other bits babies come with but then I try to think realistically and I tend to calm down a bit.

I think I just love the idea of giving birth again and holding this newborn in my arms. When I try to imagine everyday life, I cannot see how it would fit into our daily family life. I have two VERY active daughters (4 and 2) and they really demand my attention. We are always out and about and due to DH being away a lot, I manage quite well with two, but three? The logistic would be do-able but we are all in a good place now, can go and do more stuff with the little one etc. Our families are from all over the place (world-wide) and then it sadly becomes a money thing. It will be either having three kids or not being able to afford to see the rest of the family much anymore and I wont be doing my other kids any favours.

I totally understand your feelings but if your DH doesnt want to have any more, you will have to respect it. And then be happy with what you have.

A1980 - I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I truly sympathise and hope there will be a happy ending for you.

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zozzle · 25/04/2011 22:44

Yes - I'm trying to understand if its just because my daughter is starting school this Sept or whether it's more than that. I suspect the latter as its been going on for 18 mths.

I just feel a bit obsessed with it all (chosen names and everything - oh dear I am obsessed!) esp as body clock ticking. I probably will just need to bury the feelings and get on with it if DH saying no .

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hairylights · 25/04/2011 22:46

Who said we "can't"? I am just saying that through my trials and tribulations I have learned to temper my longings with a big dose of gratitude for what I do have.

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jesterjangles · 25/04/2011 22:50

I also have a girl (7) and a boy (3) and started thinking about number 3 when DS turned 1. DH originally said no, then maybe (which lasted for 18 months). He then decided that it was something he wanted to do. We have been trying since September 10 and have unfortunately m/c'ed twice. DH is completely on board though so you never know if he will change his mind. I never thought my DH would change his.

For me, if I didn't give it a go then I would always regret it.

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Schnullerbacke · 25/04/2011 22:54

Zozzle, dont start on the school thing. Eldest is 4 and will also start school this Sept. Only tonight I asked her why she had to grow up so fast and perhaps I might have also shed a tear or so. Sweet as she is, she told me that she will try to not grow so fast anymore - obviously had to tell her that Mummy is just being silly....You hear it over and over again but boy, time does fly. They were only babies yesterday and before you know it they are off to school. I think I have to get off this thread.....

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skybluepearl · 25/04/2011 22:55

we had almost 4 years of secondary infertility and never gave up - now have 3! we are very blessed now but i can really relate to feeling like someone is missing - i had it for years and i couldn't just let it rest despite a few friends telling me just to move on. really enjoying all my kids - 3 has always been my ideal number but even now i think about having one more. i'm told those feelings should calm down but if they dont i think will have to do some real talking with my partner.

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zozzle · 25/04/2011 22:59

That is so cute about not growing so fast! Yep goes by in the blink of an eye!

I'm not even a big baby person really, so the newborn stage isn't my fave - just love it when they reach about 3 with all the questions etc.

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sickoftheholidays · 25/04/2011 23:05

You have my sympathy. I went through this with DH about a year ago, I knew I definately wanted a 3rd child, he flat out didnt want any more kids, is quite happy with the two that we have. After many heated discussions, he has realised just how important this is to me, and I have realised that the objections he raised were valid, so we have decided to have another, but not to TTC until certain things are sorted out etc etc. I am well aware that these things may not be sorted out in time for us to TTC as I am not far off my sell by date in terms of fertility, but at least I have hope and we both have something to work towards.
Funnily enough, like Jesterjangles, now we have both made the decision together, there is no resentment from either of us. When he was just flat out saying no, I was really resentful, and considering all sorts of desperate measures, and I know he was resenting the pressure I was putting him under.

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inanna12 · 25/04/2011 23:05

same thing here really. we have 2 beautiful boys and my husband has an older daughter. i am desperate, desperate for number 3, boy or girl. i miscarried last year, the due date for that baby has just passed, and it's brought it all up again.
for me, i know that a lot of what i'm feeling is fear of the next stage (my youngest starts school in sept); i've been parenting fulltime for 8 years. my husband is well aware of all this, but accepts my desire for number 3, too. for us, it has basically come down to us not wanting to be in a place 10 years or so where i potentially feel bitterness and resentment towards him for not giving me the chance...and also i have rationalised it to him by pointing out that we will never regret the life of a child - it's not as if we would say, "oh, i wish we'd never had you"; but we - or at least i - might well regret a child's absence.
i wish you love and continuing strength in dealing with this, both by yourself and with your partner. it is very, very hard, isn't it?

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PercyPigPie · 25/04/2011 23:11

I really feel for those who have been unable to have children, but no matter how many you have, longing for another is an almost animal 'thing' that is hard to rationalise.

I too felt like someone was missing and DC3 is now four, and lovely. Good luck OP - why does your DH say no? Does he realise how much you think about it? One of you has to go unsatisfied here - try and get him to focus on whether he would ever regret having another?

Sorry, not much help here.

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hairylights · 25/04/2011 23:19

I haven't said I don't sympathise but as others have said one of the partners has to give up what they want and it looks like the op. So she needs to focus on what she has or she could become all consumed by it, when she could be focussing on the two dc she does have, rather than the one that she wishes for.

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zozzle · 25/04/2011 23:23

Wow thank you everyone! Yes I agree that it is so hard to rationalise - it's just the way many of us are wired I guess.

DH got depressed a few years back straight after birth of DC1 for 6 months so I guess that might have something to do with it - he just found adjusting to the change very hard. He didn't get that with DC2 but now they are older he talks of "slowing getting out of the woods" so he has found having kids v hard on many levels. However, he is a very good hands on dad.

Maybe because he's struggled with parenthood more than most dads it would be unfair of me to push it if you get my drift.

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zozzle · 25/04/2011 23:24

sorry - "slowly getting out of the woods"

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zozzle · 25/04/2011 23:43

Ok here goes - in my slightly less rational moments I even hope I'll have twins or triplets. There I've said it. I must be really losing it...

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PercyPigPie · 27/04/2011 21:21

Oh me too [too old now!]. Have you always been broody? It's very strange for me because I was never remotely broody before having children and now that DC3 is 4.5 it is slowly waning, so maybe it is a hormonal thing?

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