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AIBU?

To not want FIl to hit DS?

56 replies

TotallyandUtterly · 13/04/2011 20:35

DS is 3. He's generally very well behaved although he does get boisterous at times (don't they all?)

DH's father sadly passed away when DH was a teenager and MIL has remarried. Step FIL never bothered with his own child and she now harbours a lot of resentment for him- but she does like all of us so she comes to see us, etc. She's really lovely.

MIL and SFIL rarely bother with our DCs. They see them one afternoon a week. Considering DH's family are all very close (and have always lived in each other's pockets, including aunties, uncles, etc), this does cause some tension. SFIL is usually at work on the afternoon that MIL does have them. They also live in the next street but never call round. However, they do act like doting, wonderful GPs at family parties, etc. They also go on about how much they love the kids- when it suits them.

Today DS came home and was creating a bit. When they'd gone, I asked him why and he said that SFIL had smacked him because he tried to put his own seatbelt on. I assumed, at first, that he was telling porkies. However, he was genuinely upset about it and repeated the story a few times- same account every time.

I rang my mum and said what had happened and as i was saying 'he can't just hit my children', he walked in the door. He doesn't seem to like me much anyway, despite the fact i've always made an effort. He looked a bit sheepish, said he'd forgotten to give us our calpol back and I said 'just put it on the side'. I continued talking on the phone (which I wouldn't normall have done, but was quite flustered and also cross). He then walked out.

When I put DS to bed I said 'you did have a good day though didn't you?' to which he replied 'no, grandad smacked me and upset me.' So I'm pretty certain he's telling the truth.

I asked mum what I should do and she said she thinks it's out of order but there's not a lot I can do.

But I'm really concerned and in those first couple of hours of angryness when it keeps running through your head and you can't really process it properly.

So... I need some advice.

OP posts:

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storminabuttercup · 13/04/2011 20:38

no - noone should hit your child - noone at all! i'm

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 13/04/2011 20:39

Tell him he is not allowed to hit your child. Ever. Under any circumstances.

Don't get into a debate about it, don't get into an argument. Just state the fact. "You are not allowed to hit my child. Do not do it again."

You also have the option to not let your child be alone with them if you feel that he will not respect that.

There's not a lot you can do? Did your mother actually say that? Did she mean because it has happened, or that there's not a lot you can do to stop him hitting your child if he wants to?

Sparkletastic · 13/04/2011 20:39

I'd speak to them both (ideally with DH taking the lead in the conversation) and say unless you have their word that SFIL will never do this again then DCs will not be seeing them without either you or DH present ever again.

TotallyandUtterly · 13/04/2011 20:42

No, mum meant there's not a lot i can do without causing a further family rift.. but she dotes on my DCs so was very upset about it- as you can imagine. Her and my dad would never hit my Dcs and they have a big part in their lives. I need to tell DH yet.

It's just something I don't want to deal with. It was a hand smack- not a punch, etc. But I just want to cuddle DS forever. Really angry and unhappy.

DS had already fallen over that day and bumped his head, hand and knee, minutes before they collected him. So he was already a bit shaken. It's the first time they've actually taken my Dcs out of their house.

It's such a mess.

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JingleMum · 13/04/2011 20:42

i'm so sorry, what a horrible situation to be in.

the top and bottom of it is you SFIL had NO right to hit your son, how dare he? i think you need to speak to your DH and talk this through, then tomorrow after sleeping on it you need to call MIL and SFIL and explain what your DS has said. if it is true, then it needs to be understood that it must NEVER happen again, let him know how upset and disgusted you are and you'll have to keep an eye on the situation. not sure i'd be comfortable leaving my child with him anymore.

comfort your DS and just tell him grandad was naughty but is very sorry and it won't happen again.

saffy85 · 13/04/2011 20:43

There is something you can do. You can make sure your step FIL doesn't spend any time alone with your DC for the forseeable future. And YWNBU to tell your inlaws why that is. I have nothing against smacking per se but it isn't your SFIL place to administer that kind of punishment to other people's children.

onepieceofcremeegg · 13/04/2011 20:43

I find it particularly worrying when in situations like this the gp hits a child. Generally the gp only has the child for a short amount of time so it is concerning that the adult cannot control his/her temper.

My own fil once "lost it" completely with my own dcs. The cousins were playing and a vase tilted on a small table. A few drops of water were spilt. He ranted and screamed and accused them of knocking the table over. His temper and lack of control was quite concerning. He never apologised. We walked out that day (dh came with me). So although my fil didn't actually hit I can understand a little of how you are feeling.

What does your dh think? Is he going to have a chat with his mother a sf about this?

What dh did was to say to his father that we would not tolerate him having temper tantrums and outbursts towards our small children especially not in such circumstances.

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 13/04/2011 20:44

well, then you have to decide what is your priority.

avoiding family rift or laying down the rules re your child.

If standing up for your child's right not to be hit means your sfil kicks off, then that may be the price you have to pay.

The alternative is to accept him hitting your child if he ever happens to decide to again. Is that acceptable?

JingleMum · 13/04/2011 20:46

my 18 month old was in her high chair eating her dinner and my FIL was watching her whilst i was making him a cup of tea, i heard her throw some dinner on the floor and FIL flipped! he screamed "NO" at the top of his voice and was going on and on about how naughty she was in a raised voice. my poor baby was sobbing. MIL told FIL off (she was there too) well, when i say told him off just asked him not to shout so loud. i was shocked in the kitchen but i never said anything, i just came in and cuddled my DD. if there's a next time, i'm pretty sure i'll go through him like a ton of bricks.

i have no problem with family telling my DD off, but not scream at her and frighten her over throwing some food.

TotallyandUtterly · 13/04/2011 20:46

I comforted him and said that he must always tell me if anyone ever hurts him, etc. SFIL is a bit strange, I've always thought it.

The other thing that bothers me is that I've insisted they can never smoke around the DCs yet DS has told me on a few occasions that they have. He was even pretending to smoke with a pen and when I asked him who smokes he said them. So I'm not convinced they'll listen to me anyway.

DS also said a few months ago that he was 'dirty and naughty'. He said that his grandad told him he was. I was mortified and cried to DH about it but after a week of thinking about it I thought that maybe DS was making it up and he hasn't said anything like it since. Now, obviously, I'm wondering about it.

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TotallyandUtterly · 13/04/2011 20:49

DS's safety and well being is definately number one priority. My other DC is only a baby so I'm panicking about that now too. I need to speak to DH, I think he'll go beserk. But needed to get things clear in my head first and MN is usually the way to do that for me.

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squeakytoy · 13/04/2011 20:50

I would find out first of all what the smack actually was. Could it have just been a tap on the hand?

schmee · 13/04/2011 20:53

My dad hit one of my sons when looking after him with my mother. My DS was only about 2 at the time, but I absolutely believed him and called my mother to explain that this had been said and to ask her for her side of the story. My dad was extremely remorseful. He really hadn't understood that people don't discipline like that any more. Mind you I didn't leave them under my parents' supervision for another two years.

It sounds like your in-laws are doing a lot of childcare for you (one day a week) so you need to get this sorted out. There is a risk they'll say "sod it, we won't take the children for you then" but I guess that's a risk you have to take if you don't want your son hit.

fluffles · 13/04/2011 20:54

of course your FIL should not smack your DS.. it seems obvious to us, BUT have you actually ever discussed discipline with your MIL and FIL, because if you haven't and he's just doing what he did with his own children then that's not quite so surprising, and if it was an issue with putting on a seatbelt then FIL might have felt it did require some form of discipline.

if i were you i would not go in guns blazing but just say 'we don't hit DS, if it's really necessary to discipline him then we do x, y, z and we would expect you to use the same approach when he's with you'

it doesn't have to be confrontational, you can even say 'these days it's frowned upon' or whatever to make it less of a confrontation between your beliefs and them and more of 'the way the world is nowadays' issue.

[oh and btw. i think being with GPs one afternoon every week IS a pretty close relationship]

JingleMum · 13/04/2011 20:56

TotallyandUtterly i know how hard it can be when you don't want to cause a rift in the family, i've posted on here over something regarding my MIL jeopardising my DD's safety but i was worried to stand my ground incase of a rift, and the vast majority of posters were adamant that i needed to stand my ground and that if there was a rift then that would be her problem and her instigating it.

luckily, no rift was caused, things were fine, and it'll probably be the same in your case. stand up for your DS, he's too young to stand up for himself.

Zingylemontart · 13/04/2011 20:57

I'm not only at the smack, but at the reason for it! Surely the response should have been to tell your DS "well done/well done for trying" and then checking he'd done it right?

TotallyandUtterly · 13/04/2011 20:58

It's not childcare, I'd rather they popped round to see them once in a while but they don't want us there when they have the children so they said they want them one afternoon a week. Although if they can't be bothered or whatever, they don't have them. I've always thought it strange they wanted the kids to themselves without us anyway, but thought it must just be a GP thing.

I will find out what the smack was, but DS can be quite fiesty and I don't think a tap would have bothered him at all. But that's an assumption and I really want to avoid assuming anything.

Nothing's ever easy is it :( I think it'll grow into a huge thing if it doesn't get mentioned now though.

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bellavita · 13/04/2011 20:58

No one should ever hit your child.

When DS1 was 6 (he will be 14 in June) we had gone over to my MIL's as my SIL was visiting from Holland where she lives. She has two boys the same age as mine. They were all in the living room an we were sat in the dining room - separated by a door which was open. They were not naughty, giddy yes, but naughty no and tbh there were 4 boys (SIL's two and my two) who do not see each other often. MIL went into the living room and smacked 3 of the 4 boys (DS2 didn't get one). I left pretty much after this, I didn't say anything as we never had a close relationship in all the years I have known her. DH came home and I told him what had happened. The next day he called in to see his mum on his way home from work and asked if she could leave the chastising to us and not smack our children. She went ballistic and threw him out. Told him never to go back to her house or take the boys to her house again.

A couple of months later, we received a letter on behalf of his mum (from his other sisters) saying we had made his mum out to be a child abuser and we needed to apologise. All we asked was that she didn't smack our children.

We haven't seen them since that awful day.

NellieForbush · 13/04/2011 20:58

"You are not to hit our son again. Is that going to be a problem?" If it is, don't leave him with them. Doesn't matter if it was a tap on the hand or whatever. Its not up to them to hit him esp not for trying to put a seatbelt on. Deal with it now or it may escalate to a worse situation.

Mutt · 13/04/2011 20:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeakytoy · 13/04/2011 20:59

It's not childcare, I'd rather they popped round to see them once in a while but they don't want us there when they have the children so they said they want them one afternoon a week

Just say no to them. They have no rights to demand to have the children be with them on their own.

We see our granddaughter regularly, but would never insist that we see her without her parents.

bellavita · 13/04/2011 21:00

and who do not see each other often so were bound to be a bit giggly and giddy

TotallyandUtterly · 13/04/2011 21:00

Sorry, I keep cross posting. I am reading everyone's posts.

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Mutt · 13/04/2011 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

annapolly · 13/04/2011 21:02

I had the same problem with my DM; She hit my DD when she was 18 months old. I asked her to promise me she would never do it again and she refused. My DCs never visited her again unaccompanied.

I would speak to your SFIL and if you don't get the reassurance you need don't leave you DC in his care.

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