AIBU To keep it secret for another 6 weeks

[FleeBee]

I've recently found out that I'm pregnant with DC3, only very early and due beginning of December.

My DH has sworn me to secrecy, but I've told my parents who were visiting at the weekend. I've also told another neighbour, who looked after chicken poxed DC2 while I had a midwife clinic appointment. Oh, and my Zumba teacher!

I know the rule is to keep quiet until a first scan, and I've had the horrible situation of getting to a 13 week scan and being told the baby had died. I had told a million people and it was just awful having to go and break the news. I felt that if I'd kept it quiet then I wouldn't have had the bad news scan.

However, this time round, I'm tried sickly and would like understanding from friends/family and yes I am excited but know that bad things could happen to this pregnancy, but a friend of mine sadly lost her baby at 18 weeks so things can happen at any time.

I really don't know what to do, my instinct says TELL but I know why people think I should keep it quiet. I'm especially concerned about the forthcoming bank holidays, being with friends and trying not to puke, trying to be the life and soul whilst feeling drained and also getting round not drinking wine!!!

What are opinions??

[madonnawhore]

Congratulations!

Tell if you want to. How far along are you? You're not going to be able to keep it a secret for much longer anyway :)

[LineOnTheLeftOneCrossEach]

You only tell people who you'd want to know if something went wrong. I think that's good advice for the first trimester.

I tell nobody until it's obvious. Friends visited yesterday and I'm 17 weeks. After about 15 minutes one of them said 'er, not being rude Line, but, um, have you put on weight? You know? Like as in a baby?'

[minipie]

I think Line has it right. Tell people now, as long as you wouldn't mind having to tell them if something went wrong later. If you would mind, then keep quiet. You have unfortunately had the experience of having to tell people (sorry to hear that) so you are in a good position to judge how you would feel if you had to go through that again.

[bemybebe]

I think it is personal. If the world chooses '12-13 weeks' as a reasonable timeframe to inform others about the pregnancy, it does not mean you have to. When I lost my baby last year I wanted others to know why i do not want to go out and why i am teary. They did not know i was preganant at the time. I am pregnant again (16 weeks) and everyone in the family was told early. I do not care what the conventional wisdom tells me.

Do whatever you choose to do and be happy with this choice.

Good luck with the pregnancy.

[FabbyChic]

Your DH has sworn you to secrecy why can you not just do as he asks? Why does it have to be about you? Can you take anything to quell the sickness?

[otchayaniye]

There are no rules? Is there a rule?

I have MC too lateish and had problems afterward due to treatment for it (Asherman's) so people close to me and my boss knew about it and when I was having corrective surgery.

I told friends and family with both pregnancies at about 10 weeks, just because the time seemed right and at work, I was running off every few hours to puke so thought it best to explain.

[bemybebe]

FabbyChic you are kidding right?

[LizaTarbucksAuntie]

I don't get it being a rule at all.

I wanted to shout from the rooftops with littlemad as soon as I knew - about 7 weeks and I am usually the most paranoid person in the world. I told a few people straight away and then at my exh insistence kept quiet, I wouldn't do that again.

A friend had just annouced her pg after the 12 weeks scan only to lose the baby 2 weeks later. what can you do?

If I were in that situation I would have asked one of my dear friends to break the news to people and make sure I didn't have to go round everyone.

If the worst happens will you feel better or worse if people didn't know you were pregnant and you have to explain what's wrong that you were pg...

why has your DH sworn you to secrecy - is he looking out for you? (I mean that in a nice way not an accuastory way)

[RueLaChesty]

I was just going to post what Line said. I would tell people that I would tell had something gone wrong.

People who would actually be genuinely concerned. That sounds horrible but what I mean is, when i was 9 weeks pg with DD2 I was off work with a horrendous cold for a week, my boss knew about pregnancy as I had to leave work at 7 weeks due to bleeding (i bled every 4 weeks up until 23 weeks). while I was off there was a team brief and he announced my pregnancy (after me asking him not to mention to anyone). I work in a predominantly male office, if anything would have happened they would have had no interest or wouldn't be concerned. Luckily everything was fine but my office were the last people I would want to explain anything to had it not been fine.

Congratulations :)

[daimbardiva]

I'm 16 weeks with my second dc - third pregnancy though having mc'd at 6 weeks 6 mo ago.

I'd echo thoughts above and say stick to just telling those close to you, who you can count on supporting you whether things are bad or good.

When I mc'd, I had told a few close friends and was really glad I had as they were so supportive.

This time round, I've done the same - told close family and friends early on, told work and general acquaintances after 12 week scan..and now at 16 weeks have generally "gone public". Have no choice now really though as bump is obvious!

Hope everything goes well for you :)

[FleeBee]

Liza yes, he's thinking about me and how to explain to people if we lost this pregnancy. I guess I know the thinking is right. It's just awkward to act normally when I don't feel myself yet.

I'm not taking anything to quell the sickness, I'm just throwing up, because it's all about me.

[otchayaniye]

I shall console myself as I continue to vomit nightly even at 6 months, that 'it's all about me' too.

[dolldaggabuzzbuzz]

Congratulations! YABU - this is wonderful news so share it with everybody

[LizaTarbucksAuntie]

fleebee quite right too - errm you're the one with the sickness and the big p/g tummy, it bloody well IS all about you :)

If you can get away with 'pills' for a none sepcific sort of virus thingy most people will accept that - even very nosy people like me will have to be content with a general brush off

good luck and congratulations :)

[GwendolineMaryLacey]

I mc at 11 weeks in January. We told very very few people about the pg. Now nobody knows about the mc and that makes me feel worse. I found it almost impossible to carry on as normal and people obviously had no idea why. For example, for various reasons I needed people to know at work. You have no idea how hard it is to drop "Oh I was away last week because I had a mc" into a conversation with people who didn't know I was pg.

If I am ever fortunate enough to get pg again then I will tell anyone I need to. I have learnt the hard way that if anything goes wrong, people not knowing makes it worse not better.

But whatever, hope the pg goes well :)

[nickelbaalamb]

Before MN, i would have probably decided to do the "wait a while before telling anyone", but I found so many people on here said that they'd had early MCs, that I wanted people to know, just in case something happened and they didn't think I was being odd cryign for "no reason".

Also, because I've been mega-tired, I think it's useful for people to know so they don't think I'm being a lazy mare.

[BikeRunSki]

I have been so sickly in both pg (hospitalised, signed off work etc) that I have had to tell people. Those who needed to know (line manager, mum etc) I don;t mind, but lots of people know now and I am a bit miffed about this. 12 wek scan tommorow.

[NinkyNonker]

I told people at 8 wks with dd, after an early private scan to make sure all ok. I think I'll wait to dating scan if we have another though.

[bemybebe]

GML I know how you feel

[Bumpsadaisie]

Well, we have always told family and friends from the off. I'm very sick and ill in the first trimester, so there is no hiding it really. I wouldn't make general announcements before 12 weeks, but tell family and closer friends as and when I see/email them.

And each to their own, but for me, iI think if there was a problem, then I would want people's support! It would make it worse to have told no-one and be dealing with the grief of losing a baby in the first trimester and "pretending" that life was totally normal.

Do what you feel is right for you. xx

[magicmelons]

YANBU, i'm due same time as you. With my other 2 dc i told everyone at about 8 weeks as i had previously had a MC very early on and had told nobody i was pregnant not even my mum and then ended up telling them about the mc which was far worse imo. This time however i have decided to keep quiet a bit longer as 1) i don't want my other dc to know yet and 2) i'm dreading telling my boss (the real reason). We have told close friends and family though. I started feeling sick yesterday and have had HE with my last 2 dc so may end up telling people. Its the worst time, time suddenly feels like it is standing still.

Congratulations!

[magicmelons]

sorry mine should have said Yabu, its the afternoon and i need a nap

[jeckadeck]

I guess the question is what is worse for you -- telling people about the pregnancy and then having to "un-tell" them if the worst happens, or being without support from friends and family. Personally I didn't tell people (I was 38 and thought the chances were quite high) but for a lot of people it would be very difficult not to. Whatever is easiest.