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AIBU?

to be upset at yet another of my friends expecting a 2nd, baby when we cant

20 replies

pigletmania · 01/04/2011 18:11

AIBU I know but have to do this for cathartic reasons. We have a gorgeous dd 4, however we have been TTC for 3 years and have had 2 MC, one 2 months ago. Everywhere I go women are pg with their 2nd, 3rd or 4th baby everyone accept me. Dont get me wrong, I am so thankful for our lovely dd it would be alot worse if we did not have her, she has helped me through this, I would love to provide her with a brother or sister especially, she has suspected ASD (awaiting prober dx), it would help to have something for her to focus on and to be involved in. I just feel like rubbish, my body crap for not doing what its supposed to be doing. My good friend announced today that she is expecting dc number 3 grrrr, I feel happy for her and of course its not her fault but it is like a punch in the gut.

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grovel · 01/04/2011 18:12

Only unreasonable thing is to post this three times. It's interesting but not THAT interesting.

Bellie · 01/04/2011 18:15

oh piglet, you could have been me 3 years ago. My dd was 4 and exactly the same happened to me.

It is gut wrenching isn't it.

What does your doctor say - are you looking at trying to work out what is happening? I know none of this helps now but don't give up hope, but make sure you push for as much help in trying work through it as possible.

Wine and chocolate and a good weepy helped me at times like these.

pigletmania · 01/04/2011 18:17

Grovel thats not very nice, I did not post 3 times. if you cant say anthing nice dont say anthing at all

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pigletmania · 01/04/2011 18:17

I posted about 6 months ago before having the 2nd MC recently

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pigletmania · 01/04/2011 18:19

Thanks bellie we have to go for a day 21 test, was going to go for one when I found out I was pg for a 2nd time, than I had a MC, will go for the day 21 test next month when I start a new cycle and take it from there.

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chocadoodle · 01/04/2011 18:29

I know how you feel. We have 1 DS (2.3) and have been TTC for 6 months and during that time I've had 2 MCs already. I have 2 close friends due to give birth to DC2 in the next few months, one of them a week before I would have been and it is hard.

I know IBU to feel jealous and I am very happy for them really. I've been careful to make sure I still ask them about the pregnancys and show interest, I don't want them to feel as though they can't share their excitement with me. I also think this is something I'm just going to have to get used to, I have lots of friends TTC and I don't want them to feel like they have to avoid talking about babies with me.

I don't want my DS's childhood to pass me by with me being sad about something I can't control, so I'm doing my best to enjoy life and DS. I keep hoping that one day soon it will be my turn again, I hope it will be yours too.

pigletmania · 01/04/2011 18:35

I could not have said it better myself chocadoodle, I should enjoy my dd, she is here instead of moping about something that might never be . Though I feel sad inside, I dont want it to tarnish my friends pregnancy, I am happy for her and her dh, even though i am hurting inside. I would never make it known or avoid her, if i did i would be avoiding every pg woman i meet and stay indoors all day. Ife goes on, I have to accept the way my cards have been dealt. We would not go for ivf though, we would do other tests and proceedures but not go that far, as we already have a gorgeous dd.

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GwendolineMaryLacey · 01/04/2011 18:36

Any room on the bench for me? Just started the second month of ttc after a mmc. What with one thing and another it's a year since we started ttc and I'm 40 in a few months. More than anything I want dd to have a sibling. Would have loved 3 children but it's too late for that now. I really feel as if time is running out on me.

So all told I'm finding it pretty hard to be as over the moon about a colleague's wife's baby as he would like, considering her due date is the same as mine was.

pigletmania · 01/04/2011 18:42

Sure Gwen have a or , starts crying into the shoulders of Gwen with her lovely warm brew

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GoldenGreen · 01/04/2011 18:43

I have been there. When ds was 3, I had a chemical pregnancy and we knew we had exactly one chance left at conceiving through IVF (long story). A few weeks later, I went round to babysit for a friend who was literally the last close friend we knew who had just one child and she answered the door with a baby bump. I congratulated her, waited until she'd gone out then got on the phone to DP and just sobbed. I was genuinely happy for her but that was a very difficult time.

I am so sorry about the MCs and I very much hope you get a sibling for your dd.

pigletmania · 01/04/2011 18:46

Thanks Golden do you have another dc now or have come to terms with things.

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skybluepearl · 01/04/2011 18:57

oh piglet - been there and got the t-shirt. We had 3.5 years of secondary infertility complete with 3 m/c's and it was so deeply painful. All my friends seemed to get pregnant quickly and although i'm very pleased for them it really did high light my own rubbish situation. We did the day 21 test and after a few weak ovulation cycles (despite periods being regular) was given clomid. It's a very effective drug that helps the eggs be more mature. We went on to have a second and a third child with the help of the drug. I also got alotof help along the way from the babycentre forum called clomid and other fertility drugs.

onesandwichshort · 01/04/2011 19:03

It's so hard, isn't it; you really want to be that kind good person being happy for them, but it's bloody impossible.

DD is 4, too, I've had 3 m/c since then and I'm now 45, so it's not going to happen. I've sold all the baby stuff, that wasn't fun.

Every extra baby that's been born to my friends in that time has been really hard. Some people have been very kind in the way they've told me, some have been smug and insensitive. It sucks, and I know just what you mean about failing.

So, not BU at all.

Triggles · 01/04/2011 19:04

pigletmania - between our 4yo DS and our 1yo DS, we had 4 m/c's. There were days I honestly despaired that we would have another, but as silly as it sounds, I couldn't bear to just give up trying. I did the same thing though - I started crying at practically every pregnant person I saw. After my first m/c, my supervisor at work (who was pregnant after a m/c herself) insisted I take 2 weeks off work (ordered me to go in to my GP and get signed off for 2 wks), also made sure I was off work the day that work was having a party for her (a baby shower of sorts) before she went off work for her maternity leave, as she knew I'd fall apart. I felt miserable and jealous and then guilty about it. I don't think it helped me much by hormones being all over the place, either.

I'm so sorry you're going through this - it's miserable and I hate that anyone has to deal with it. Best wishes to you for a healthy and happy pregnancy very very soon.

pigletmania · 01/04/2011 19:19

Thanks Triggles

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suzikettles · 01/04/2011 19:23

It absolutely sucks doesn't it? One of my best friends is in the same position as me (both ttc no2 for 2 years now) and although we're able to provide support to each other I still have to gird myself a little each time she phones in case it's to announce a pregnancy.

pawsnclaws · 01/04/2011 19:30

I think you know that you are being a teeny tiny bit unreasonable - but understandably in the circumstances. The fact that your friends aren't having fertility problems isn't their fault and has no bearing on your own problems. If they are insensitive and unkind then I think that is a different question, right?

I do understand partly though. One of my twin boys died and for four years I was absolutely devastated whenever anyone announced a pregnancy - even though I went on to have two more healthy babies. I resented the fact that I never had a happy, carefree pregnancy.

Hardest of all was when mothers of twins complained bitterly about what a hard lot they had. I remember on one occasion sitting there just about in control of my emotions as someone told me I had "no idea" how hard things were for her! BUT - they weren't to know how badly their words affected me and how much it hurt. It wasn't their fault, and in the midst of sleepless nights and stress I can now see that they couldn't see past their own experiences. I wouldn't say that time "heals", but feelings change over time and the resentment will soften.

I wish you all the best and hope it happens for you - for all of you.

pigletmania · 01/04/2011 19:53

Thanks paws that is why I keep it to myself and rant on here, its not their fault I have fertility problems, and I would never hold it against them why should I

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chocadoodle · 01/04/2011 20:06

One of my pregnant friends is very considerate of my situation, she talks about her pregnancy when I ask her, she's showed me her scan photos when I've asked her but she's never brought it up in conversation unless I have. My other friend thinks nothing of complaining to me about her sickness, backache etc. I feign sympathy (I was probably like it when pg with DS) but I can't help but think she's being a bit tactless. On the other hand, it's her special time and maybe she genuinely just doesn't realise how it might make me feel.

I'm pretty sure I had a chemical pregnancy last weekend, so that would in fact make it 3 MCs, but I'll never know for sure as I hadn't tested. I'm enjoying a big tonight (make that 3 or 4) and looking forward to the weekend with DH and DS. DS made me a lovely Mothers Day card at playgroup, he's so proud of it :)

GoldenGreen · 01/04/2011 20:42

Hi piglet, we did the IVF, and although it failed, we were able to freeze some good embryos from that cycle and now have 10 month old dd - we are so very lucky

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