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AIBU?

weight

19 replies

Kitsichick · 19/03/2011 17:50

AIBU to feel hurt and angry and confused. I can't find a way to deal with this passive/aggression without being aggresive myself or crying- which is pretty passive in itself.

This year for the first time ever I am struggling with my weight. I am thirteen stone and almost six feet tall. I hate that I have gtten so big but I have comfort eaten during this year which is the hardest I have ever had.

My Dad has dementia and lives 70 miles away- Mum needs all my support. I have a back tax to pay of £22k and a further £14k due to an employers error on my tax code (I am appealinga aginst it but boy its a strain)

I have only just returned to a part time job at a third of what I used to earn, after a car accident that nearly killed me and have used up all my savings. I just reached 51 (!) and DH is 41. We had to drop out of adopting after a 7 year battle because our finances and my health are just not i[ to it now- he is okay about it but I am devastated-

He started to get fit- and has lost two stone and runs every day and bores for GB on calorie content of everything. I know I need to get slimmer and fitter but although he says he is supporting me- he is criticising me all the time. Today I was dragged out for a seven mile walk and told I was 'doing well' and 'doing really well' when I only had 1 sugar in my coffee!

But IF i CHALLENGE Him he gets a sulky toddler face and says 'I am only trying to help you'! I just don't know what to do. I feel I am drowning in a sea of debt- which the comp from the accident will pay eventually but that is at least a year away-worried sick about parents, hate that I have lost so much status and money at work and the part time contract finishes on 13th April anyway..

I can't sleep, concentrate and feel like I am wired up inside.

I will use any advice or flames.
Thanks

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onlion · 19/03/2011 17:54

your BMi at that would just be bordering 25 anyway

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onlion · 19/03/2011 17:55

sorry dont know whats wrong with my pressy thing

It seems a bit rough, were you very slim to begin with?

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HecateTheCrone · 19/03/2011 17:56

tell him that you don't want him to 'help you'?

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Kitsichick · 19/03/2011 17:58

yes I was pretty slim but now I am a hefty size 16. I want to get fit but I am just so fed up of being nagged like a naughty child when I have all this other stuff to deal with as well. I am sure I am rolling in self pity so maybe he is just trying to cutthrough that,

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LaurieFairyCake · 19/03/2011 17:58

You are under terrible stress. Why don't you just postpone losing weight and getting fit til some of it has passed. At the moment it just sounds like another stick to beat yourself with. Right now you need nurture not mire criticism.

How about you nurture yourself and tell dh you are not going to try to lose weight for six months and instead you're going to spend the time recovering, reading, relaxing. And that all weight related discussions are off limits til you feel your equilibrium returning.

Eventually feeding yourself properly and light exercise may become part of the nurture but right now it's just yet another punishment.

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onlion · 19/03/2011 17:59

I agree with laurelfairycake

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onceamai · 19/03/2011 17:59

Oh my darling. You are fab, believe it always. I am nearly fifty, only 5.4 and well over 11 stone. The DH has lost a stone and a half recently and is very smug at 5.11 and 13 stone. 6 foot and nearly 13 stone is by no means unmanageable. You are going through a really bad time and food is a much better solution than drugs or alcohol.. You may be hormonal and I didn't realise how bad I felt until I stared HRT a few months ago. I also earn far less than I did 20 years ago.

There's nothing wrong with you at all. You have just been dealt a bad hand in recent years. It will get better and you will rise above it.

Good luck and very much love - shit is difficult to deal with but afterwards all rubbish life throws at you becomes much easier.

PS: sod the the 7 mile walks Wine but only with fun

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SquishyBumsMum · 19/03/2011 18:02

It sounds like you've been through a hell of a lot recently. At 6ft and 13st your BMI is still in the normal range so whilst you're sorting other things in your life out I wouldn't let it get you down.
Eating healthily and exercising will probably make you feel better about yourself though if it is bothering you so just try to make healthy choices. Ultimately do it for yourself not anyone else.
Right now you're going through a lot so stop being so hard on yourself and maybe have a word with DH about how you're feeling, I'm sure his heart is in the right place.
I really hope things get better for you soon :)

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GypsyMoth · 19/03/2011 18:03

same height as me but i'm heavier than you!!!

i have just completed the couch to 5 k....i have really enjoyed it and am amazed at how quickly my fitness built up! and it wasnt just me,a load of us mumsnetters did it....we are all amazed at ourselves!

obviously i'm fitter and have lost some weight,but you know what!? the biggest and best thing about it was that its something just for me.

i have 5 dc ages 16,14,12,8 and 3....and i can outrun the lot of them now at age 43!!

i feel sooo much better for doing this every other night. gave me a focus and an escape from some horrendous family problems

do it for you?? and join our thread in sport and exercise

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AgentZigzag · 19/03/2011 18:05

I know it's not making you feel any better, but is it possible for you to knock worrying about your weight on the head until after you've resolved some of the other shit you've got going on.

Obviously I don't include your parents in that, which is extremely stressful just on its own.

You definately need to talk to your DH about how what he says makes you feel, he sounds like a reformed smoker with an 'well if I can do it, why can't you' attitude.

If only it were that easy.

It's nice he's trying to encourage you, but it must seem as though he's reminding you he's watching and noting.

I hate any kind of comment/judgement on what I'm eating (teenager scars Grin) so I understand what you mean, but you can only cope with so much before you pop.

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MorticiaAddams · 19/03/2011 18:07

Fantastic post LaurieFairyCake.

You really have way too much on your plate to take any criticism at all however well meant it is. He is obviously enjoying it himself and trying to get you in the same state of mind but it can't be forced.

Spring is here and it's a lovely time of year. Try and find some time just for yourself every day and find something beautiful in the world. It doesn't have to be big, perhaps if it's sunny just sit in the garden for five minutes and enjoy the quiet/birds/sunshine or notice the blossom and new flowers growing. It really will make a difference to your life.

Weight loss can wait for now but will hopefully come more easily in the summer when there are nicer, lighter foods to eat and outside exercise is more pleasant.

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onlion · 19/03/2011 18:08

There was a time I really struggled with my weight and the thing I hated the most was people saying "do it for you".
If its the wrong time, its the wrong time. you have so much more going on in your head and you arent at that readiness stage. Change the focus, dont think about weight and just think about looking after yourself. This may be eating well as well but it doesnt help to have someone on you all the time . I know.

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MaisyMooCow · 19/03/2011 18:31

Some really good advice and lovely comments in this thread.

I agree with everyone that the weight issue can wait.

If you ever want time to clear your head and reflect on the day, take some 'me' time and take a walk or go for a swim. This way you're getting the exercise you need for general good health and some quiet time to work through some of your worries.

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Xenia · 19/03/2011 19:06

Laurie's advice is good. You could try just changing your diet without trying to lose weight, change the types of foods you eat to whole foods but not cut back on quantities at all.

Could you afford to adopt when the compensation money comes through or afford to pay for a US (or UK) surrogate for your husband's child?

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Kitsichick · 19/03/2011 19:12

Thanks for all your help and advice, its really useful and I am going to concentrate on health rather than weight. That seems a good strategy. I can't control what is happening but I can, now I react to it.

Xenia- your post made me cry. It shows what a total lack of understanding there is about adoption. We were adopting from China and our papers had been there seven years- China is now very slow. However the UK SS needs you to re pass Panel here every two years and we would have not passed this time due to my health and finances. So the papers were recalled. You can't just magically be reinstated once times are better! We had already spent £10k having our UK home study for China (If you adopt from OS you pay for this) and as to paying for a USA surrogate- the papers make it sound SO easy- and maybe it is if you're Elton John! For ordinary people its near impossible.

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mmsmum · 19/03/2011 19:13

I think DH has found exercise helps him cope and wants you to exercise so you'll feel better too. Doesn't sound like he's criticizing though, seems the opposite? For some reason, probably the stress your under, you aren't taking it well

Go for a run and cut the caffeine, you'll sleep better and concentrate better if you do

Once you've slept and chilled a bit you'll be in a better place to look at your problems clearly and you'll see a way through them

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saffy85 · 19/03/2011 19:26

Sounds like you have much bigger things to be thinking about right now than your weight, so cut yourself some slack.

Maybe gradually as things get sorted out and dealt with the weight may creep down or you'll aleast be in a better, happier and less stressed state of mind and can do something about it.

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exoticfruits · 19/03/2011 19:32

I would read him LaurieFairyCakes post.

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Pixieonthemoor · 19/03/2011 20:09

If you are a size 16 and nearly 6 ft tall then that is hardly hefty!! I am bordering on a 16....and I am only 5'5!!! I would agree with Laurie except for the fact that I do believe that finding exercise that you enjoy can really help - never mind the weight thing, it clears the mind and allows a kind of space for you. BUT it has to be one that you really like (for me that is swimming or a dance class). It might actually help what I can only think is a kind of depression - look at all you are going through! Sit down with the dh - tell him all you have said here and that his daft attitude is NOT helping. And I am so so sorry about you having to drop out of the adoption process.

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