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AIBU?

To not fancy my DP anymore?

17 replies

PunkDog · 19/03/2011 16:37

(Have also posted this in relationships.)
Does anyone have experience of this, and if so can a relationship survive this? Will those feelings ever come back do you think or are we doomed?
I haven't spoken to DP or anyone about this as I feel very terrible about it and don't want to hurt my DP.
There are other problems in the relationship too, but I don't know which came first, IYSWIM.
Grateful for advice.

OP posts:

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valiumredhead · 19/03/2011 16:44

Why don't you fancy him, is there anything specific?

angrywoman · 19/03/2011 16:51

How long have you been feeling like this about him? I don't think having babies helps as it changes everything doesn't it? I found there was barely any time to find my partner attractive (with three children competing for mine and his attention)for a good few years. Talking to other mothers, I've met few who managed to have a satisfying sex-life at the difficult, demanding stages.
Other problems- the fact that you bring these up suggests they might matter/be involved.
My children's father is now my ex. I found him attractive and might still be with him now... BUT when the tiredness/ demands of kids hit my sex-drive he couldn't take it , wasn't patient or understanding and began to treat me badly. Then I stopped finding him attractive. Things went down hill from there. Good luck, I know some people will be on to say they have been there and survived...

Skinit · 19/03/2011 16:53

YANBU! You can't be unreasonable about this...it's a fact.

The thing is to work out why? Is he changed physically?

PunkDog · 19/03/2011 16:56

Don't know where to start .
He falls asleep the minute he sits down which I find really unatractive and lazy.
I feel he quite often takes advantage and can be really selfish. I don't feel he shows me very much love or respect - this is not always the case but too frequently is the case.
In terms of love making all he ever really wants to do is bend me over and I'm so sick of this - everyone knows a woman can't come off this alone!
He only ever wants quickies which means there's fuck all in it for me, basically!
He lectures me a lot, makes mountains out of mole hills.
He's very overwieght .... I just don't fancy him.
All of these issues have been present for a huge part ofour relationship but haven't resulted in me totally not fancying him until very recently.
Where do I go from here? When I try to talk about things with him he just throws it back in my face.
He's just told me I'm a 'horrible piece of work' I'm not I'm lovely but I've stopped trying now, 'cause I feel I get little/nothing in return.

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 19/03/2011 17:01

OMG I got to 'he just wants to bend me over' and that was enough!!! YANBU!!!

PunkDog · 19/03/2011 17:14

Keep having to dash on and off the laptop ... yes I know! Sometimes when you put everything down and then read it back to yourself you realise the true extent of what a shocking situation you're in!
He's not all bad and I can be a nag etc sometimes but I truly believe that I'm genuinely a really nice person - we just seem to bring out the worst in each other a lot of the time.

OP posts:

PunkDog · 19/03/2011 17:31

Yes he is very overweight now but has been for a number of years and I don't think that his weight is the main reason tbh, although I think maybe it is becoming more of a contributing factor than it used to be, but so is everything else IYSWIM. I too was very overweight until about 12 months ago, and in the past he told me that he found me less attractive when I was very overweight (fair enough).

OP posts:

Skinit · 19/03/2011 17:38

He sounds like a lazy, selfish dick to me...sorry but I hate the sound of the sex thing.

Does he not know how much your feelings have changed?

atswimtwolengths · 19/03/2011 17:43

PunkDog, just a question about the weight thing, if that's okay.

When you lost your weight, what was his attitude to you at the time? Was he overweight then, too? Did he encourage you to lose weight, did he try to lose it too, did he think he didn't have to lose any, did he try to sabotage you losing weight? Did he congratulate you on losing weight?

I'm just trying to think how he told you that you were less attractive without it hurting you a great deal. I can see that 'You look fantastic' with the implication 'now that you've lost some weight' is okay.

Did you say in return that you found his weight offputting?

I just wonder how the dynamics of your relationship changed if both needed to lose weight but only one did.

valiumredhead · 19/03/2011 17:44

Women only nag when men don't listen.

atswimtwolengths · 19/03/2011 17:44

Sorry, just seen that he was overweight for a number of years.

Do you think it's more of an issue for you now (his weight, I mean) because you resent him saying you were unattractive when overweight, when he himself remains overweight? I can really understand why, if so.

atswimtwolengths · 19/03/2011 17:44

His idea of sex sounds vile, to be honest.

mmsmum · 19/03/2011 17:46

YANBU But you need to figure out what you want to do about it, do you think it's over and are you ready to call it a day or do you want things to change and want to work at it? I think you need to spend some time reflecting on what you want

moondog · 19/03/2011 17:49

God, what a catch.

How old are you?

ebbandflow · 19/03/2011 18:04

Are you financially able to go it alone? If so then tbh I would consider ending the relationship over this-sorry!

Jellykat · 19/03/2011 18:37

He sounds like a mean mouthed,selfish blob to me..Obviously if he showed you how valued you are,his physical appearance wouldn't be such an issue.

You say he's not all bad, what are his redeeming qualities? You need to really think about whether the good and bad are equally balanced.

Although from reading your posts i can't see how they possibly can be.

angrywoman · 19/03/2011 18:43

My ex called me 'a horrible piece of work' too. I agree with others: the sex on offer is not something I would want AT ALL. for you but think you're better rid of him. Hard truth to face when you have children, if you do?

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