i have posted about my dad's temper before but he has really upset me this time. i need honest advice about whether i am over reacting or not.
i take the dcs out to my parents' on friday evenings. mum was off work today so we went out early afternoon. when i arrived i was getting the dcs out of the car and ds2 was toddling over towards the house, i bring my dog with me and he ran past ds2 and kocked him over, ds2 let out a yell and my dad came storming over cursing and blinding about him being a "stupid bastard of a dog" ds2 was fine, i was holding him but my dad was still storming over so i told him to leave it. he kept coming, i actually thought he was going to hurt my dog, he was so angry and still cursing and shouting. i put my hand out towards him in a "stop" motion and told him to 'give over' he stopped walking and said "tell you what. just fuck off back home". we have had fall outs before but he has never told me to leave. i went and got ds1 and told him we had to go. he was gutted and started crying. i was crying too, and i shouldn't have infront of the dcs but i was just so hurt. i'm still upset now about it. the way i feel now i dont want to go back there. i know he will probably apologise eventually but the same thing will happen again as soon as something makes him angry, he will lose his temper and start shouting. he shouted really nastily at ds1 last week for accidently knocking something off a table. i dont want my dcs to be around that, i dont want them spoken to like that i dont want them to learn that that is how you react when you are upset and i dont want them to think it is how they can treat me. i feel gutted. ds1 loves going to my parents and staying overnight but i dont want him being around that man. he really needs to learn how to respond normally to things instead of hissing and spitting like a wild animal. i dont know what to do but i know i dont want to go back there even if i am told i am welcome again.
AIBU?
AIBU?
to not want to go back?
SlainteBooyFeckingHoo · 18/03/2011 20:44
thank you for sharing that ilovejudgejudy. i feel as though this means a change in my relationship with my parents.
i agree with slimbabe, my dad will eventually apologise and it will no doubt be after a talking to by my mum because she is a rational person and he will give in and apologise for a quiet life. but his attitude wont change and i can't keep putting my children in the firing line. it mightn't be next week or month when he next explodes but there is no doubt in my mind that it will happen again and even if it isn't directed at me or my dcs, i dont want them to witness it. luckily yesterday ds1 had already gone into the house before this happened because at 5, he is old enough to understand what was happening and i could only imagine he would have been terrified at seeing his grandfather explode like that at his mum. i know my dad would not have censored himself had ds1 been there.
my dad will not do anything to change his behaviour. i had thought of suggesting to mum that he try an anger management course but i know he would laugh at the idea. i doubt she would even suggest it to him because she knows how he is.
ds1 has asked today if he will ever be able to go back to visit my mum. 
i dont know the answer. i would like to be able to tell him yes because he enjoyed sleeping over there but i would have to have some sort of promise from my dad that his temper would be in check. but how can he do that? he has never been able to reign in his temper, why would he suddenly start controlling it now? i only hope my mum has enough of an influence over him to be able to convince him that his grandchildren are worth seeing. it would kill her never to be able to have them there again. i don't think i will be there again unless there are other people there that i know he wont explode infront of. his temper is a running joke in both his own and my mum's family. he thinks it's funny. it isn't when you are the one on the receiving end of it.
"He was shouting at you when your dog knocked over your DC, he was taking responsibility for a situation that had nothing to do with him, apart from it being on his property."
my dad doesn't respect me as an adult or a parent. i dont know why but he is always ridiculing my decisions. my decision to leave my job and become a CMer, my decision to get the dog, my decision to change my car 
any decision i make myself he is vocal about what he thinks about it (never good BTW-he doesn't do praise) so teh fact that it was my dog was another excuse to have a go at me. he has a dog too that is just as likely to run past ds and knock him down, but it would never had provoked that mouthful of abuse if his dog had done it. it was because it was my dog.
well my dad arrived at the house earlier and tried to walk into the house. i blocked his way and he looked all innocent and said "what?". i asked him if he had anything to say to me and he responded "have YOU anything to say to me?" i told him that i didn't have anything to apologise for. he asked if i didn't think i should apologise for telling him to give over and i told him no i didn't think i was wrong to stop him in his tracks. he gave various explanations for his reaction, starting from, being angry with the dog, worried about ds2, and unbelievable he said that while he was walking over he took a cramp in his leg which made him even angrier 
i made it clear to him that his response was completely out of order and was not achieving anything at all except keeping an already 'hyped' situation going when the best thing to do was for everyone to get calm and deal with ds. (which i was already doing) i told him that his temper is terrifying and that as i child i used to jump out of my skin when he started. i reminded him of how he shouted at ds last week and how frightening it was for ds. i told him his temper is ridiculous and i will not allow my dcs to be frightened the way he frightened me as a child. he agreed that he didn't want to do that to them either and agreed to cool his temper. not sure if he actually will or not but i feel as though my words hit their target.
'he gave various explanations for his reaction, starting from, being angry with the dog, worried about ds2, and unbelievable he said that while he was walking over he took a cramp in his leg which made him even angrier'
Trying to palm off the way he chose to behave onto all and sundry.
Good for you telling him how he makes/made you feel, and encouraging that he did back down and will try to make an effort 
At least you've made inroads into trying to resolve it.
"Trying to palm off the way he chose to behave onto all and sundry."
yes, and i totally expected him to. i know what he is like. the face even popped into my head while i was listening to him think up his excuses.
"So he can control his temper, he just chooses not to?"
yes he absolouetely can control it. he would never have exploded like that if it had been a friend's dog. he saves his temper for his wife and children. he forgets that we dont actually have to take it from him.
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