to have got annoyed and not actually spoken to dh at the end of this?

[Jux]

Over the last few days, or maybe a week (it's unclear), I have been horrible. Getting really angry, no patience. This is what dh told me this morning. DD has been upset.

In an effort to mend things with dd I agreed that I'd get off her case completely. She's 11. She has been upset because I have been getting fed up with things like her leaving her blazer in a crumpled heap, leaving her homework until the last minute (then finding that it's taking her longer than expected so I'm up with her until as late as 11.30 to get it finished), not doing her chores, not giving me her washing etc etc etc. I thought this was pretty normal stuff and that it was pretty normal to get a bit annoyed about picking up her blazer for the 3rd time in one evening, but apparently it's not. According to dh, I have to bear in mind that dd has had a lot to cope with over the last few years (we all ahve) and I should be a lot less firm with her, give her space and so on.

So I had a chat with dd and we all agreed that I would get off her case completely. Not say anything about anything.

So at about 7 she said she had to make a mask for school tomorrow and did I have a large pot of Vaseline with which to make some sort of papier mache. No I didn't and the shops are closed. She then asked for glue, which again I didn't have in the quantity required.

DH said he could make some sort of cardboard gloop. So off they went. I let them get on with it in the kitchen and didn't interfere when I should have started on supper at 7.30. At 8ish they left the kitchen. In a mess. I don't mean a few things left lying around. I mean a MESS.

DH had fed himself a bit earlier but knew that dd and I hadn't eaten. I waited, knowing that under the new regime they would come down and clean up.

At 9ish I went off to find them. I said, very calmly and nicely (really it was!) "You know, this isn't going to work if you two aren't going to be responsible about cleaning up after yourselves." DD immediately left the room to start sorting out the kitchen. DH said "But I'm going out in a minute" and continued with what he was doing. I said "But I need to make supper." To which dh swore, leapt up and crashed downstairs complaining and furious. He crashed around in the kitchen and then stomped off saying "is that all right for you?" rather nastily.

Actually, he'd left all the stuff he'd got out to make his own supper and left it all over the only usable kitchen surface; all that had been cleared was the table and dd had done most of that. When he came down a few moments later to go out, I said "oh, what about all that stuff?". He moved it around a bit and then demanded "Well?". By this time I was so bloody angry I couldn't even look at him.

[MajorBumsore]

Pile it up in his side of the bed. He will have to move it to get into bed.
That's what I'd do, but then maybe that's why me and DH argue so much!!

[abbierhodes]

So, on a point of principle, no one made sure your 11 year old daughter had eaten before 9 o'clock?

[Jux]

Not on a point of principle, though I hadn't included this - I asked her several times between 7 and 8.30 if she was hungry, and believe me she would have said. A friend of hers had come over straight after school and they'd had some sandwiches, so she would have eaten little if I'd put supper on the table at the normal time. If she had been hungry I would have asked for the place to be cleaned up long before 9.

[stream]

YANBU and sound eminently normal!

[Tortoiseonthehalfshell]

YANBU, definitely.

Why have you been in a bad mood just this week? Has she been harder, or is it hormonal?

[Tortoiseonthehalfshell]

I'm also unclear on why your husband fed himself but didn't make enough for all of you in the first place, even if it would have needed to be heated up?

[Inertia]

If my dh acted like that I wouldn't have any patience either ! From what you've described, it sounds as though you have reached breaking point with neither of them taking responsibility for themselves, and somehow it's all your fault for getting fed up with it, whereas your dh seems to think the new system means they can still treat you like a servant, you just don't get to say anything about it. YANBU.

[FauxFox]

Your DH sounds like a twunt.

Your DD is 11 and sounds knackered. She is 11 and not old enough to be able to manage her time - 11.30 is too late for an 11 y o to be doing homework. Why not make a sparkly timetable of her evenings with her marking in space for homework/friends/classes/TV etc so she can see how much time is available and use it efficiently?

Re: blazer life is too short just pick it up.

Re: chores - money incentives should do the trick. 5 *'s = £1 etc

[givemesomespace]

I suspect you'll never be happy with what your DH or DD do, so you might as well kick them both out now

[Blatherskite]

I'd have ordered myself a pizza and left the kitchen as it was. They'd soon be complaining when they couldn't make breakfast and the glue had set.

The new house rules seem to mean that they can still take no responsibility for their actions, but you can't complain about having to clear up!

Actually, screw the pizza, I'd have had my coat on and be out the door taking myself to a restaurant the second 'D'H told me he was going out in a minute and leaving the kitchen in a state!

[Happylander]

I'm not surprised you are pissed off. If I was you I'd go on strike. Your DD bless her tried and she is just being a typical 11 year old but your husband sounds like an arse.

[poopnscoop]

DH needs to learn to tidy up after himself, there are two adults in the house, not only one (you).

[LaurieFairyCake]

One of the rules we introduced when dd started secondary school was all homework had to be done as soon as she came in. I make it nice for her, give her cake (yesterday I bought her a gingerbread man) and make her hot chocolate. I also clear the kitchen table and ask her if she needs any resources before she starts.

There is no tv, no phone, no DS til its done. It's always done by 4.30 and we can then get on with making dinner together/watching 'Friends' etc.

We have had no trouble since implementing this rule.

[Jux]

FauxFox, yes life is too short and I've been gently remonstrating with her about the blazer, coat, socks, cardy, tie you name it, since September whilst picking it up anyway, but the last few days I've been less wimpish and gentle remonstrations have changed into exasperation.

That's a great rule LaurieFairyCake, and I had almost got that one started in September. Unfortunately (and this is another thread I think!) she didn't get home from school until nearly 6 and was utterly exhausted so I relented and allowed her a bit of a break first. This meant that she started on her homework at about 6.30.

Now her transport's been sorted, she was getting home between 4.30 and 5, but the 6.30 rule has stuck until the last week, when she has been stubborn and continually saying "later" while I struggle not to scream. (Since half term the transport's changed again and she's always home by 4.15.)

My nagging at her to do it, do it now, (about chores, homework, bedtime) has become rather more full on. I'm not sure why, except that now things are more settled vis a vis school, it's about time dd stepped up to the mark and bit more. She's preteen but pretty teenagerish!

After dh told me how unreasonable I was being yesterday I really didn't know which way to turn. My best mate's a counsellor and suggested that my continued requests (nagging) to do the things that I think they should be doing is giving them the opportunity to kick over the traces by not acquiescing; rebelling in other words. She suggested I just let them get on with it.

[Queenofchaos]

givemesomespace have you actually read the OP? She acknowledged that her DD had done the majority of the tidying in the kitchen so clearly, yes, she is happy with her DD.

[givemesomespace]

Queenofchaos you are right - what was I thinking. OP - just kick DH out.

[seriouslycantbebothered]

GMSS is clearly a troll .