to not want to feel pressured about sex

[plopplopquack]

Hi, I have a problem. Me and my DH have differing sex drives slightly. It never used to be a huge problem but since having started a family it is often one. The problem is this;

My DH would like sex every day preferably and is the typical man in that he finds sex relaxes him. I'm the typical female in that I have to already be relaxed to have sex. Because we dont always feel like it at the same time I am happy to "help him out" in various ways, although I don't always want to do this.

I am a SAHM who also works evenings and my DH works full time which involves some evenings too. So we really don't get many evenings to ourselves. We have 2 DC and have no one to babysit so rarely get a night out together or anything like that. So if we do get an hour or so (once work is finished, DCs asleep, jobs around the house done) my DH thinks we shold use that time to have sex whereas I just want to sit and watch telly or read a book or something. I need to chill out.

I feel so pressured all the time as all day I'm with my DC and they are young so naturally demanding. As soon as my DH is around I feel demanded of by him as well. It's like no one ever stops asking me for things!

I understand that my DH has needs but I need time for me as well. He does find other ways of dealing with it (porn etc) which I have no problem with but he gets bored of it. I suppose it's great that he still fancies me so much and he really is a lovely man and great dad. He'd do anything for me.

To add to it I was sexually abused as a child so could really do with not feeling like a sex object and feeling as thought I HAVE to do sex related things. He knows this and understands but it doesn't seem to change anything.

So this evening I had about an hour to plonk myself on the sofa before bed and he asks if I want to have sex. I knew he was going to ask, could feel it coming (excuse the pun) and so was feeling pressured before he had even opened his mouth. I had put the kids to bed and then gone to work for a while, came back did dishwasher etc, sorted stuff for tomorrow, had shower and then wanted to relax as I haven't stopped all day . . . or all week/month etc.

So I used a tone of voice that made it clear I didn't want to and it hurt his feelings and really upset him. When I'm not interested in doing sex things he often feels that he must be unnattractive or that I don't fancy him, which of course I do, he's lovely. He got quite upset.

We have talked about this so much and we never resolve it

What the hell do we do?

[expatinscotland]

It doesn't sound like he does much of the house and grunt work involved in bringing up a young family.

That's part of the problem.

[MillsAndDoom]

I agree with expat - the more DH helps around the house the less I feel like a skivvy and the more warm I feel towards him - him emptying the dishwasher, putting out the bins and tidying up is foreplay afaic.

[expatinscotland]

'He'd do anything for me.'

Then he needs to put the kids to bed a few days a week, load the dishwasher, etc.

Or hire a cleaner.

You work, too.

[plopplopquack]

Not sure where you got that from (the housework thing) as I never mentioned it! He does plenty and is very hands-on with the children. The sex thing is the only problem we have as he's a great dad and husband.

[hairylights]

This is what things were like with my ex. We had no children, he did not work or do much and I worked full time and did most of the house stuff (cooking, cleaning, shopping).

Now I am with a really nice decent bloke, I can tell you - a nice decent man does not pressure a woman for sex, does not nag for sex, does not sulk about sex, does not ask you to do things you don't want to do,and does not make you feel inadequate sexually or any other way.

[expatinscotland]

'Not sure where you got that from (the housework thing) as I never mentioned it! He does plenty and is very hands-on with the children.'

From you.

From this:
'I had put the kids to bed and then gone to work for a while, came back did dishwasher etc, sorted stuff for tomorrow, had shower and then wanted to relax as I haven't stopped all day . . . or all week/month etc.'

You'd have had your hour to relax if he'd sorted that out and might have felt more inclined sexually.

[expatinscotland]

what hairylights said, too.

[plopplopquack]

It seems my post was unclear. This evening I did everything around the house because my DH was working. He works extremely hard and long hours too. When he's not working or I am then he does the dishwasher etc. I feel that side of things is very balanced and well shared out. He has his jobs and I have mine and the rest depends on who is free to do them or who wants to.

[expatinscotland]

Okay, fair enough.

What hairylights said.

I couldn't deal with a person who made me feel pressured for sex and/or used porn as a substitute for sex and then feel grateful he fancied me, so I'm going to bow out of this thread now.

Best of luck.

[jellybelly25]

It all seems a bit abrupt to me and it's no wonder you feel objectified. He can't ask you if you want to have sex - he needs to do his bit to get you in the mood first! Then ask! (And be prepared that sometimes even after a massage, glass of wine, whatever, you still might not want to - with your past he should acknowledge that and do more to back off...) It's just a little bit of effort but it would go such a long way. And it's no good to do things if you don't want to it gives him the impression that you are 'available' for his needs which is not balanced and will not help you to feel ok about it.

I am more like your dh and I have stopped pressuring him because it is deeply unhelpful. I'd rather go without than make it a chore.

[Saltatrix]

Maybe ask if he could give you a massage first so you would be in a more relaxed state? You can tell him that you need to be relaxed first so any attempts to help you would be the best way to go about it?

[foreverondiet]

Ok, you have different sex drives... you need to discuss expectations, and come to a compromise. It sounds like you have discussed and he is not prepared to compromise.... so not sure what you do.

[plopplopquack]

jellybelly25 I've told him this so many times! That's he needs to get me in the mood but he's says there's not always time which he has a good point about. I just hate it when he asks, I don't want him to ASK! I must of said that a hundred times.

For him I think he finds it unfair that I always get to choose when we both have sex as if I want to then he is always in the mood so we do it. I can see that but still don't know what to do about it.

[redexpat]

"Not tonight doesnt mean I don't love you" is a pretty good phrase to use sometimes.

[plopplopquack]

Saltatrix Yeah maybe I should have asked for a massage. Don't think I would have got one today as he's hurt his hand (no not through wanking!) but usually I might have.

foreverondiet We did figure out a compromise which was that if I wasn't in the mood he was sort himself out and sometime I would help. Don't want to go into too much detail but there are things I can do. Some days though I don't even want to think about sex, I just want to sleep or have a bit of peace and quiet.

[jellybelly25]

It's really difficult. Why does he keep going on about it when you have already come to a compromise? That doesn't sound fair to me.

There is the theory the more you do it the more you want it, so what if he lays off the porn and the self-help just a bit and then perhaps he won't be so horny all the time? I might be totally wrong about that though.

I see his point re it being your call but what's the alternative? That you do it when you don't want to just to make it fairer on him? This is sex, not the washing up! And the situation he seems to want is actually very disrespectful of your feelings and of your body so he needs to think carefully about why he wants that.

I think you need to be very firm with him - unequal sex drives can make people really unhappy so he needs to count his eggs really that you are prepared to help him out like that.

It is nice to be fancied though.

[Saltatrix]

Is it the asking that is putting you off? do you view it as unromantic and a chore? If he was to see you lying down give you a massage then slowly ease into it would you feel better?

Does your husband know what you find relaxing? maybe you should get him to read the thread so that he knows that you do indeed love him as he is associating your refusal for sex to mean you don't fancy him.

I think you and him need to find common ground he needs to stop persistently asking as your under constant pressure. If you are always feeling tense when he is around the result will always be the same he should try new tactics.

[plopplopquack]

jellybelly25 Well we didn't agree an amount of times a week or anything and I wouldn't want to do that. So he might ask me to help but I might not want to that day. And yes it is nice to be so fancied!

Saltatrix Yes I think it is the asking that puts me off most of the time. I don't want to be asked! I've told him to just try cuddling and kissing me (which is what I do to him) but how mnay times can you suggest the same thing when nothing changes. Sometimes he'll ask me in the morning if I want to do it later but by then I will usually be in a completely different mood. Planning so far in advance I don't find sexy anyway. Or I might be flirting with him in the morning and really want to (I like morning sex but we never have the opportunity) but 14/15 hours later I may not feel the same. I feel bad about that as I know he will have been thinking abut it all day but what can I do. I don't want to stop being flirtatious with him just in case it doesn't lead to anything and he gets upset.

[hairylights]

" I can tell you - a nice decent man does not pressure a woman for sex, does not nag for sex, does not sulk about sex, does not ask you to do things you don't want to do,and does not make you feel inadequate sexually or any other way."

regarldless of what else he does around the house/work etc this still stands.

He knows you hate it, he knows it's a passionkiller but he still does it? He says thee isn't time to get you in the mood? You "help him" even when you've been totally put off? Outrageous. He sees you as an object, not a person.

[hairylights]

My ex also had a porn addiction. It made him see sex in a bit of a twisted way. Porn does that. It's full of available women. It made him think women were constantly horny and available and that it was normal. It's not.

[hairylights]

'

For him I think he finds it unfair that I always get to choose when we both have sex as if I want to then he is always in the mood so we do it.

That's about power, not love or respect. The flip side is "he thinks it's
fair to expect sex whenever he wants it, even it I am unwilling and don't want to" . That's an abusive scenario.

[ramblingmum]

I know what you mean about asking putting you off. We had a spell where dh wanted to know if I wanted sex before we had even got into bed. I often said no when maby if he had waited and tried a cuddle ect I would have canged my mind. He realy didn't want to be turned down at the last minute.
I dont know want to suggest. Things have got better between us, but I think that it is mainly due to the dc( and us) sleeping more and me changing contraception and finishing breastfeeding. I admit that I had lost all intrest in sex. We are now having sex more often which means dh seems less worried about me saying no so dosn't feel the need to ask.

[phooey]

I don't think your DH is an arse, and it's obvious you love him very much.

We go through droughts when we're both busy, I can't just switch off my stress. When I asked DH to take time to spoil me a little, to kiss and cuddle, he said that if he went to the effort of doing that then I still didn't want to, he'd feel even more rejected. We have a great relationship and have more or less resolved this through compromise.

If you enjoy morning sex, can you try to make time in the mornings? I know what you mean that your DH feels that you're the 'gatekeeper' and that you decide when sex happens, but I think that's mainly rejection speaking - if you jumped on him in the morning, he'd def be up for it and flattered could you suggest it to him to set his alarm 15 mins earlier?

I disagree with most posters so far that it's a bad thing for the man to have a higher sex drive - he isn't exactly being rude or abusive.

[phooey]

I do think that you are being very considerate of his needs (assisting the process etc) and perhaps you need to remind him of that if he is unwilling to spend time being nice to you, massage etc.

I guess also it's probably normal (guesses) to have a dip in sex drive when your DC are so small, and you'll recover it in time with a patient and loving DH. Don't feel guilty.