To understand why people shout at their kids

[zinggorilla]

So many people on here say they never sout at their kids. I soo admiree you all but I DO shout at dd when I am tired and pushd to my limits and I can totally understand why my parents shouted at me.
I´m not proud of it and I wish I didn´t shout but I am human and have my faults. I realise that it is a wasteof tim discipline wise and it is far better to just have firm, consistent boundaries without shouting. I don´t think that shouting occasionally is going to scar my dd.

I would be interested to hear how people refrain from shouting when their kids are being naughty.

I am not sure what my parenting style is. Fairly normal I think and not as consistent as I´d like.

[ReindeerBollocks]

I had the two DC's off for a week recently. It was tough, and I shouted far more than I wanted to. I didn't like the atmosphere it created, living with shouting isn't fun for them and it doesn't achieve a lot in terms of boundaries and discipline.

I looked up some positive parenting styles (that I used to use) and refreshed my parenting skills somewhat. Also DS's parenting needs are different now he's older, he wants to be listened to rather than just shouted at, so we introduced mutually agreeable house rules, alongside a few other parenting improvements. This style works for me when tired/stressed.

I'm three weeks into the new regime and it's better. I've shouted once in the last few days and DS is behaving like a star! Look at the triggers of the 'naughty' behaviour and what leads you to shouting. Don't get me wrong, shouting can still lead to discipline and I'm not against it, but for me it felt like a loss of control - rather than instilling any real boundaries.

So whilst a few weeks back I'd agree that shouting was my parenting way, now I'd just recommend to anyone to at least look at other parenting styles - for their own sake!

[greenbananas]

I understand it too! Children can be so frustrating, especially when they are trying to annoy you - although obviously I don't think shouting is a great way to be a parent.

Thing is, the less you shout, the more effective it is when you do shout. Shouting comes in very useful sometimes (e.g. "Leave that alone!" when DS is about to reach for something really dangerous, like shards of broken glass on the pavement or whatever).

[starrychime]

Zinggorilla, I was going to post on something similar but I will add to your thread instead I was, until last week, probably one of the shoutiest mums you would ever meet. Really, I was ashamed of myself a lot of the time, quite often hurt my throat with shouting so loudly. It seemed it was the only way to get DD to listen and do what I asked. However it was getting me very stressed and upset and DD also got upset and seemed to want to keep winding me up, so of course more shouting ensued, and so it went on. However last Sunday I decided enough was enough.
I have been embarking on a no shouting rule. I force myself to speak in a very controlled, light way, repeating as often as necessary, warnings of consequences and carrying them out - last night unplugged and put away DD's Wii because of nonsense at bedtime - and leaving the room with a 'I will be back when you have calmed down/are ready to listen'. Now it has been VERY difficult but I am definitely less stressed and there has been a bit of an improvement in DD's behaviour I think, and I am hoping with a few more weeks things will keep improving.

[eastereggthief]

The only words I usually shout are
'get into the car, get into the car'
'out of the car, out of the car'
'get into the car, into the car'
And so on and so on

[elvisgirl]

I only have one DS aged 3 but care for him pretty much 24/7 as we have no family nearby. I rarely shout. Sometimes I find what I am saying going into a shouty, ranty style & if I notice in time I deliberately bring it back down into a neutral tone & try to end up saying something constructive. I would shout if he was about to do something dangerous.

My parenting style is mainly on the attachment/natural parenting side. I think it will get more challenging when he gets older or if another child comes along tho. We find we rarely need to use discipline. Only on a handful of times have we had to exclude him from the room to prevent unnacceptable behaviour. We don't use the word naughty. I have had comments saying I am very laid back which I took to be complimentary but am hoping it won't mean our kids turn out to run rings around us!

[BertieBotts]

I do shout when I'm really angry and I don't think that's too bad - it's alright for children to see you express emotions, I think. But I don't want DS to be scared of me - if I ever shout that loudly I always feel awful.

I do try not to shout for the day to day annoyances though e.g. if DS is taking too long to do something or just generally being 2. Just by making more time to do things when I know he will want to 'help' and trying to see his good intentions and bear in mind his age with other stuff rather than getting annoyed if things get wrecked, messy, etc.

[AllDirections]

DD1 and DD3 will never take no for an answer, always want to have their own way, always have to have the last word, are very noisy, wilful, and defiant. I shout at them when I have exhausted all other possibilities (except beating them!!) and it works even if none of us like it.

I've hardly even needed to raise my voice to DD2. I can use a firm voice or give her the 'look' and she toes the line. If I only had DD2 I would be a very smug mum who wouldn't understand why people ever feel the need to shout at their children.

[JarethTheGoblinKing]

I shout too much as well, when he's asked for the same thing for the 32nd time, or won't listen, or keeps throwing toys in my face..


I'm trying to keep it to a minimum, because it still has the factor, and is useful as a last resort, but I'm failing.

[scaryteacher]

It's the only way to get through to ds in the morning as he has his headphones in; shouting and the threat of a 30 minute walk to school if he misses the bus because he hasn't sorted himself out (don't you just love 15 yo boys?).

[bibbitybobbityhat]

Really? Do a lot of people on here say they never shout at their dc? I have never noticed that. I thought we mainly all felt a wee bit guilty for being over-shouty.

[gotobedsleepyhead]

I do shout sometimes, & then usually feel really bad straight afterwards. My mum offered some good advice when she pointed out that we usually shout to make ourselves feel better (let off steam etc) rather than to achieve any real objective.
Obviously there can be times when shouting is good, like greenbanana said, in times of imminent danger.

[annapolly]

I have never shouted at anyone ever.

I am completely calm at all times. But I am probably alone.

[maighdlin]

christ who the hell could survive parenthood without shouting? i would have no glasses if i didn't shout at DD, the whole nicey nice "oh don't take mummy's glasses" thing does not cut the mustard with my wee one.

i do shout at alot but its mostly out of sheer frustration and directed at DH for no particular reason rather than DD.

[FabbyChic]

Tis far better to shout than it is to hit out with your hands. Sometimes you get so frustrated as if you feel you are just talking to yourself you shout to make yourself heard.

It doesn't make you a bad parent.

[TheVisitor]

I shout to make myself heard. When you have 12 year old triplets arguing amongst themselves, it's bloody loud. I don't shout often though, so when I do, they jump.

[Joolyjoolyjoo]

I found I was getting so bad recently, where shouting was becoming the default setting, that I resolved to give up shouting for Lent

My children actually seem quite disconcerted by this new ominously calm mum