To have told my Mum to piss off

[mmsmum]

My Mum is the biggest bitch out there, really she takes some beating

She is always making catty comments and snide remarks but she has gone too far this time

She has just told me my life is a mess. She said I have no job, no home, I have nothing. She suggested I move to 'where work is' (where ever the hell she thinks that might be) and says I've done nothing about looking for a job. She knows that I've been looking since August, she knows I have no childcare before or after school and she won't help so my hours are limited. She also knows I saw someone about doing a professional CV the other week so I asked her why she thought I did that if I wasn't looking for work and said 'you were probably bored' at this point I told her to piss off and hung up

I never give myself a break, I never let up on myself, I spend all my time caring for DC, for the dog, the house and I study pt. I spend hours every week trawling the web for jobs, then I call possibilities to find out exact hours and if there is anything (usually there isn't) I'll apply for it.

I'm about to come into some money and I think this is her problem. I lost the income I was getting from the csa last year and have struggled since and my Mum has been helping me out here and there, usually with food shopping and small bills like bt every few months. She knows I cannot get a mortgage and would need to spend every penny if I am going to buy a house outright but she seems to want me to give her her money back first and then wash her hands of me

Tonight was totally unprovoked, I had called her earlier in the week to ask if she would take me or lend me money for petrol so I could go see houses and this is when it came out that 'I can't buy a house' because I won't have enough left after giving her money. I said I needed to find somewhere for me and dc to live, if I rent my money will just be drained away into the pockets of someone else and I won't have anything to show for it and DC won't have any security, she also knows I'd have trouble renting with the dog. She also accused me of not looking at houses, which is ridiculous because I've discussed my searching with her loads of times, she knows I'm online looking everyday

Why is she such a bitch? I really hate that she genuinely seems to think my life is a mess, that I have nothing and am not trying to do anything with my life. I don't and never have spent my days sitting about doing nothing, being bored. This is something I expect from a total bitch, not from my Mum, or anyone's Mum

I had called her about something completely different tonight and she brought this up. It seems like she is determined to fall out and drive me away, I've never thought she liked me and I've always thought that she should never have had children. I could never ever say the things to my DD that she says to me, I could never even think anything like the stuff she says

She knows that that I am depending on her for a few things financially next week (one of the things is DD's school trip) but this is beyond her usual moaning, which is bad enough at times. What kind of Mum tells their DD her life is a mess? I don't know what to do, I get more understanding from my dog, I was stressed out enough without that conversation

I really need a friend right now but don't have anyone I can call. Argh! I do try, I know I struggle with stress and anxiety, something I don't think she has ever noticed but I was trying so hard to be positive and look to the future, I'd even compiled a new cv and just signed up for a Summer ou course, I'd even joined a weight loss group today but now I feel like crying but I'm not giving her the satisfaction! I would love, love, love to work, even people on fb know that! I am so bloody lonely on my own all the time I am desperate to get out and do something.

Can someone please tell me what the hell is wrong with my Mum? Does she believe the stuff she is saying? I'd really like never to speak to her again but I can't let DD down next week

[mmsmum]

Wow That is long, sorry!

[AgentZigzag]

Obviously the issues you've had with your mum in the past is making you feel the way you do at the min.

Just the situation on it's own, you having to ask her for cash, her feeling justified to stick her oar in because she effectively has you over a barrel, perhaps isn't enough to justify a piss off.

But the fact that you feel she's never liked you, and shouldn't have had children is such an awful thing to be thinking.

You see the stereotypical role a mum's supposed to play and when your own falls woefully short, it's bound to make you feel angry and sad at the same time.

Have you tried to distance yourself in your head from her a bit?

Let whatever gem she comes out with wash over you?

[AgentZigzag]

Apologies for any crappy grammar

'in the past are making you feel'

[Dropdeadfred]

how much money does she say you owe her? and is it correct?

[bibbitybobbityhat]

You seem to be very reliant on her.

What does your dd's father contribute?

[northerngirl41]

Here's the thing: If you're asking her for money, she does have some say in what happens to your money when you get hold of it. Simple solution - pay her back and then do whatever the hell you like with your money, and tell her to keep her nose out of it. But you can't have it both ways.

[SlainteBooyFeckingHoo]

" she knows I have no childcare before or after school and she won't help so my hours are limited."

why are you only relying on your mum for childcare. there are childminder, afterschool clubs, and nurseries all over the country. yes you will have to pay for it but so do most people. you aren't entitled to free childcare from your mum you know.

[EggInABap]

YABU. Why do you seem to think she shouldn't want her money back. And how on earth do you plan on getting a mortgage without a job?? You need a reality check- you are very lucky for the financial help she has provided.

[GORGEOUSX]

I think YABU actually, and wallowing in self-pity. You want financial help from your mum but you don't want her to say anything to you. Usually mums know best. What she probably means when she says 'you're not doing anything about it', is that what you are doing is clearly not working - i.e. you are not going to find a job with those sorts of hours where you have been looking, so you have to change tactics.

Suggest you stop seeing her as the enemy - clearly she is on your side, or she wouldn't lend you money for petrol, school trips etc. It sounds to me as though she is very worried about you, and has become exasperated.

You need to have a plan. Sit down and work out how you can organise childcare so that you CAN get a job. I'm not pretending it's easy - it's bloody difficult, but don't take it out on your mum.

[abbierhodes]

How old are you? Why are you financially dependent on your mum?

I'm sorry but you do sound rather vague about sorting your life out: 'I saw someone about doing a professional CV the other week'; 'I'm online looking everyday'.

I have borrowed from my parents before, but it is always paid back, and I don't do it unless absolutely necessary. Would you benefit more from help with your budget rather than actual cash? You'll feel better if you're more self reliant.

[SlainteBooyFeckingHoo]

have just re-read your OP and i totally see where your mum is coming from. when you have debts, you clear those before you go buying new things for yourself. you have debts with your mum and yet you have the cheek to ask her to ferry you about so you can look at houses to buy before you have even paid her back what you owe her!!

[Graciewitch]

You seem to have a sense of entitlement where your mum is concerned. She sounds like she's actually helping you from the OP.

Yabvu to tell her to piss off.

[freebreeze]

I have just got a job after looking for a year. Don't be too hard on yourself - there's no work out there.
Maybe your mum is worried about financial things? So she's coming out with stupid things when she talks with you 'cos she's not happy with you borrowing from her and she's concerned how long this will go on for? I think it would be good to face these things and have a frank talk so that you both get chance to get things off your chest. You could mention that if she really wants you to have a hope of getting work in this recession then perhaps she could step up to the child care outside of school hours etc.
If you face stuff you might find tension stops leaking through the cracks like it has been doing.
Wish you all the best and don't give up with work, something's out there x

[mmsmum]

DD Father contributes £6.50 a week, which is why I am in the situation I am in, we lost contact years ago so I only get that because of the CSA. Until recently it was much much more and had been for years.

It is really reasonable for her to say she doesn't care where I end up living? For her to say all those things to me. She even had a 'tone of voice' that was weird when she said it

Agent I don't know what you mean about stereotypical role? But I think a Mum should want to be around her DC's, she should talk to them, do things with them, be affectionate, etc I hardly saw my Mum growing up, have no memories of doing anything together, we never talked about anything, and I learned about things like make-up from magazines and other women. She was never interested, I was always treated like an inconvenience. I really hope I don't have stereotypes about anybody but growing up she was nothing like any of my friends Mums.

Slaint I am not relying on my Mum for childcare at all! What on earth gave you that impression! She seems to think it's easy to get work, but she knows I can only work while DD is at school. She was in after school care but I had to take her out because I couldn't keep paying it, they made it clear that once she was out, she was out, they have a two year waiting list. I have never even asked my Mum to help, I knew there would be no point but I didn't have to ask as she volunteered the info. herself when I first started looking for something new. You are being really awful telling me I am not 'entitled' childcare, free or otherwise, from my Mum, I know that! I was just trying to explain a bit and if you really want to know, I'm not sure I would be happy with DD going to her anyway

Egg please read my post properly, I said I cannot get a mortgage, I didn't say anything else that you seem to think

I am not disagreeing that she should be paid back, my issue is with what she said to me

Gorgeous no she means that I am not doing and she didn't lend me the money for petrol, I cannot go looking at houses, rental or for sale, this weekend, and she hasn't given the money for the trip yet. I have tried and tried and did have childcare but couldn't keep her in without a job for so long

Abbi read the op where I said I lost my CSA money and I really coud go into it more but it's not relevant, I didn't have any control over it and didn't know it was going to happen. What do you mean I sound vague? I thought my post was long enough but would you like me to tell you the websites I use for job hunting? The employers I've approached and the applications I have made? I can assure you it's very boring, which is why I saw someone (at my mums suggestion btw) about making sure my cv was good.

Slainte I am not asking her to ferry me about, I asked her to help, i do not have the money sitting in the bank obviously. I won't get any money until I move out of here which is why I thought she would help. I need to find somewhere to live first

[SlainteBooyFeckingHoo]

"You could mention that if she really wants you to have a hope of getting work in this recession then perhaps she could step up to the child care outside of school hours etc."

it isn't OP's mum's responsibility to 'step up' to the childcare!! why should she? she is already financially supporting her adult daughter and grandchildren, should she also shoulder the childcare responsibility too?

[mmsmum]

I haven't told my Mum I won't pay her back, where did you get that from? I said I needed to find somewhere to live first, that has to be my priority and then I can pay off what I owe.

Freebreeze thank you, did it really take a year?! It's really hard making phone calls to find out I can't do the hours and sending off applications only to get nothing back

[Dropdeadfred]

how much do you owe her?

[WipsGlitter]

Pay her back what you owe her from your inheritance. Then see if you can still afford to buy and subsequently run a house. Stop phoning prospective employers and asking about exact hours of work before even applying, this is very off-putting and a red light warning for employers. Get a job offer, then negotiate the hours. The benefits office shoul be able to help you with your cv for free.

It sounds as if you are dependent on your mum for wee hand outs all the time and she maybe things you should budget better (like women of her generation did!!)

Keep going with the weight loss group. Being at home all day on internet isn't good, get out and about. Do some voluntary work (will help with job prospects).

[mmsmum]

Slainte is it not weird not to want to spend time with your grandchild? Do you have grandchildren/children that you don't want to see. I just don't understand it. We do go and visit but she moans that she doesn't get any peace, no matter how long it's been since she last seen us

[usualsuspect]

tl;dr

[SlainteBooyFeckingHoo]

"Slaint I am not relying on my Mum for childcare at all! What on earth gave you that impression!"

then why on earth are you using her not wanting to do childcare as am excuse for being restricted in the hours you can work? have you contacted any local childmidners or daycare nurseries to find out what their rates are? if you work over 16 hours per week you will be entitled to working tax credit and the childcare element of WTC. many companies also do a childcare voucher scheme so i find it really ridiculous that your reason for not finding a job outside of school hours is that your mum wont help. plenty of people up and down the country dont have parents to help.

"You are being really awful telling me I am not 'entitled' childcare, free or otherwise, from my Mum, I know that! I was just trying to explain a bit and if you really want to know, I'm not sure I would be happy with DD going to her anyway"

sorry, what exactly is awful about what i said?

[freebreeze]

Yes Slaint, it's not her resposibilty but you might hope a mother would want to do all she could to see her daughter through a difficult time, especially concerning her grandchildren. Families pulling together etc. I would for my daughter.

[mmsmum]

Wips I can't do it that way, its complicated but I get no money until I am ready to move, literally the day I move. It wasn't the benefits office I went to, I have heard they are useless but a lone parent adviser with a charity who helped me. I have been calling to find out exact hours because the jobs all have those hours for a reason so I don't see how I could negotiate. My Mum hasn't said anything about budgeting, she knows I haven't got the income at the moment and she knows I'm spending any money on anything other than essentials. Thanks for encouraging me to keep trying. I've applied for voluntary too, it was a be-friending service but they wanted evenings