to not want my in-laws letting themselves in?

(49 Posts)
Newmummytobe79 Mon 07-Mar-11 16:08:00

Hi ladies,

Here's one for debate ... AIBU to be annoyed that sometimes my in-laws let themselves in with their 'emergency' key?

They have no rights on the house (in fact my parents have more rights than anyone due to a very kind deposit 3 years ago but they'd never dream of letting themselves in!)but my in laws 'pop up' when we're at work every now and again and it makes me see red! (they blame their visits on dropping off husbands redirected post/family invites/birthday cards etc so could easily post them! or just come and see us once in a while when we're in the house!)

I told my husband this annoys me but he just said he'd drop a hint. For as much as I can tell it stopped happening for around a year ... but it happened again a week ago.

I'm very house proud when I KNOW guests are coming - but when I dont I often leave a bra on the back of the bathroom door, dont clear up toast crumbs before rushing out of the door in the morning ... and I really don't want my in-laws rumaging through any post I may leave out.

We're getting a new door in a few weeks ... hence new keys but as my father in law is fitting it I just know he'll get himself a key cut 'to save us the trouble'.

I'm due in August and if it happens after our baby is born I will go mental! How do I put a stop to this now without sounding like a b*tch? By the way - husband's mum is very touchy and will take it the wrong way however we say it - so tact please ladies!

I know some people will have no problem with this (they let themselves in at their daughters all the time and it doesnt bother her) but it drives me mad!

Help please! x

BooyFuckingHoo Mon 07-Mar-11 16:11:25

what makes you think they rummage through your post?

if it is just them dropping stuff up i see no problem, if you think they are actually nosing around then yes i would not want them having a key.

why will it be more of an issue after the baby is born?

saffy85 Mon 07-Mar-11 16:13:21


Change the locks after FIL has been and gone with new door. You can't drop a bigger hint than that! They've overstepped the mark big time imo and you should have had the "emergency" key off them the minute they started dropping in to your house uninvited!

omletta Mon 07-Mar-11 16:14:22

Nip this in the bud now! I used to have this situation and if you let it fester it will get worse.

When my DS was tiny I ran down stairs naked one sunday morning to get the changing bag and found my PILs sat on the sofa whatching TV, 'waiting for us to get up'! Needless my screaming 'what the fuck do you think your doing?' prevented them ever using the key without permission again (well I like to think it was my screaming but prehaps it was my naked body blush)

reelingintheyears Mon 07-Mar-11 16:16:04

DPs Dad was in Sils (his dd) house putting up shelves while they were at work and told DP that she'd 'done alright for herself'.

DP asked what he meant and he said without blush that he'd had a look at her DH's bank statements and other stuff shock

Rhinestone Mon 07-Mar-11 16:16:15

Tell them (politely if you can manage it grin ) that you gave them the key for emergencies, not to pop round without asking your permission.

Ask them to give you the key back because they have shown that they will not do as requested.

They can't really argue with facts.

BooyFuckingHoo Mon 07-Mar-11 16:16:31

ok, i take back what i said!!!

omletta shock that is awful!!

YANBU Nobody should be letting themselves into your home without your permission.

They are viewing it as their child's house, not as the home of two autonomous adults.

Tell them you have lost your key and have had to get the locks changed - then keep forgetting to give them a key. Tell your DH that he is NOT giving them a key either. This is your home and it's more important that he keeps you happy (who live with him full time) than his mother - who he doesn't live with.

ceebs05 Mon 07-Mar-11 16:18:22

YANBU - i hate people turning up unannounced, let alone someone letting themselves in when I'm not there. They need to respect your privacy, it's your home.

Mumwithadragontattoo Mon 07-Mar-11 16:18:43

YANBU - omletta demonstrates why! After the baby arrives and you are at home more you will want to feel completely relaxed and in complete privacy (for bf, sleeping, load of things). You won't have that if they have a spare key which they use when there is no emergency.

Newmummytobe79 Mon 07-Mar-11 16:19:39


I just find it odd that they visit when they know we're not there without pre-warning us!

It's an issue now, but I really don't want them just letting themselves in when I'm breast feeding/showering/sleeping

I would just prefer a phone call to let me know they're on their way

Booy I imagine after the baby is born the OP will be breastfeeding and not want to sit in a breastfeeding burkha all day in case FIL leaps into the living room.

Ephiny Mon 07-Mar-11 16:20:54

YANBU, I would not be happy about this at all. Can you give the emergency key to a trusted neighbour or friend instead?

ajandjjmum Mon 07-Mar-11 16:22:08

I get the post thing totally. I find it really rude when various people get our post (normally quite a lot) and openly go thru it before handing it over to me 'incase there's any for anyone else'!!!

Having said that, the world and his wife let themselves into my house - it grates sometimes, but on the whole I've got used to it. And the help I've had over the years with the dc makes me keep quiet. grin

AboardtheAxiom Mon 07-Mar-11 16:22:17

omletta shock

YANBU OP, maybe you should lock yourself out one day and go round there to use the emergency key. Then just keep forgetting to give it back to them, or say you've misplaced it and never get round to gettin a new one cut.

If they are just bringing mail round why are they not just posting it through the door? Do they have noting better to do?

unfitmother Mon 07-Mar-11 16:22:21

YANBU, I wouldn't like it.

Newmummytobe79 Mon 07-Mar-11 16:22:34

Wow - I wrote my last post and then saw all these responses! Thanks ladies - I'm not being a b*tch after all!

Wow - there are some seriously rude in laws out there!

Eglu Mon 07-Mar-11 16:23:19

YANBU. You need to make sure that when the new door is fitted they don't have a key. If FIL gets one made, find an excuse to borrow it and not give it back.

I can'r believe anyone would do that. It is rude beoynd belief.

ENormaSnob Mon 07-Mar-11 16:26:23


gross invasion of privacy IMO

diddl Mon 07-Mar-11 16:29:56

If there are already 2 adults with a key, surely an emergency key isn´t really necessary?

My ILs had a key to my husband´s house when he lived alone, but when I moved in I had it as my key.

Newmummytobe79 Mon 07-Mar-11 16:30:24

Do you think putting the chain on constantly is a big enough hint? I'm not very good at confrontation!

Alternatively - pull the 'hormone' card and tell husband to tell them to ring me before they turn up as I may be sleeping etc

I have the best relationship with my parents and I know they wouldnt mind me letting myself in their house but I just wouldnt! I left home and with that they got their house back as a couple - I always knock on the door and hardly ever turn up without warning them.

I think they just think it's normal as their daughter doesnt mind ... I bet her husband does though!

Take the key back, DP's mum gave the 'emergency key' he had given her to the plumber who was fitting our bathroom. He was doing some work at her house the week before and she gave him our key 'just in case i wasnt in and he'd decided to do some work' id arranged to let him in on a morning and didnt want him just turning up as i was at home recovering from a m/c and was pretending to go to work when really i was going to cry sleep on my mums sofa all day. MIL didnt know any of this but .....

Oh and the plumber then lost the key for weeks on end, i got it back and its now in MY possesion.

diddl Mon 07-Mar-11 16:33:19

"Do you think putting the chain on constantly is a big enough hint? "

Do you have a back door that you could start to use that they don´t have a key to?

omletta Mon 07-Mar-11 16:34:31

Get a bolt put on the back of the door and use that. A bolt will send out a clear signal that you have locked the door on purpose, rather than accidently left the chain on.

melikalikimaka Mon 07-Mar-11 16:34:35

No siree, no way would I let them keep the key!

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