to seriously ignore my whining toddler?

[LifeIsButtercream]

I kinda know I'm probably being a bit unreasonable, but also kinda need to vent before I explode!

Ex recently visited for several days to spend time with almost-2yr-old DD.

At the risk of sounding like I'm having a rant about his parenting style - when DD would whine, winge, tantrum or generally play up ex-H would descend on her and shower her with attention/give in to what she was demanding.

Like all toddlers, DD does tend to 'have a moment' several times a day, I usually ignore her or try and distract her/encourage her to ask for something differently. I.e. if she starts shrieking 'APPLE JUICE! Errrr errr urhhh!' at me I will usually respond with: "Do you want your apple juice? What do you say?" - I usually get a calm "please" and she gets her apple juice or she gets ignored until she stops stropping. Usually she would ask for something 'nicely' and build up to a shrieking crescendo if not responded to promptly.

Since ex has left, DD has been going from zero-to-winge almost instantly, and whining for no apparent reason, or for things that aren't possible for me to provide, shrieking the same request over and over and over and over........ ("cakes.....cakes.....cakescakescakescakes....CAKESCAKESCAKESCAKESCAKES!"

I don't know if I'm handling this correctly, I'm just ignoring her until she calms down, getting up and walking away from her, or on one occasion putting her into the lounge from the kitchen and pulling the door to (she was safe) as I was close to losing it . She isn't 'warming up' any more - just going straight to whinging and demanding as it got her what she wanted when wonderful perfect Daddy was here....

For the record, whenever she is behaving/playing nicely I'm on her like a shot loading on the praise and attention, I'm a lone parent so I have no choice but to let her play by herself sometimes so I can do housework/prepare meals, but I do make time to play with her as much as I can so its not like she's on her own all the time and deprived of attention.

I know I'd be being unreasonable to expect a toddler to never whine, and I know toddlers have a tendancy to repeat the same thing over and over, but its just so striking that a week ago she was playing happily, behaving beautifully and now I can't get a thing done, and she has literally moaned at me for every waking moment today to the point of tears (mine).

Rant over! Thanks for listening as offloading on here has probably stopped me from offloading on my DD!

[Underachieving]

YANBU at all, toddlers are hard work, especially when they're going through a phase of playing up.

I would be doing pretty much exactly what you are. Making sure I say that if she's nice I will respond to her, if she is naughty I will not.

[mumbar]

Good for you for sticking to your guns.

Ultimatly you are teaching your DD a very valuable lesson whilst slowly going mad yourself!!

It'll be worth it in the end.

[FabbyChic]

Did you know that research that has been going on since the 1950's shows that children are better adjusted in life when they are comforted when they cry? When they get upset?

[FabbyChic]

Your ex is doing the right thing, not his fault you have left her to cry previously so she is less secure.

[LifeIsButtercream]

Goes without saying that if she is distressed/upset/crying (and not just having a strop) I'm comforting her!

[SueWhite]

It's completely obvious that you shouldn't give in to whinging and tantrums, otherwise they'll still be doing it when they're 15 and you won't be able to stop them then by saying 'say please'. You're doing the right thing.

[dickiedavisthunderthighs]

So FabbyChic are you advocating showering a child with affection when he/she is misbehaving? Have you even read the OP?

[FabbyChic]

Actually I apologise I read part of it, my tunnel vision just gone awry.

I apologise to the OP!

Sorry.

[pjmama]

Fabby - there is a HUGE difference between a distressed child in need of comfort and one who is have a strop to get their own way.

I don't think there's anything wrong with teaching children that asking nicely gets you further than kicking and screaming.

[LifeIsButtercream]

Thats ok Fabby - if I was ignoring my DD when she was distressed then I would be BVU!!!

[FabbyChic]

Sorry, feel a right ass!

[HeathcliffMoorland]

YANBU at all.

You would be completely unreasonable to give in to whinging.

[sourdoughface]

depends

sometimes the parent handles the whinging in completely the wrong way, making it 20 times worse. Thats not the kids fault, its poor parenting

[lecce]

I think Y might be BU. I certainly don't think you should give in to whinging and, for example, give her cake that you didn't want her to have, but I do think there's a kinder alternative to ignoring.

What struck me from your OP is "For the record, whenever she is behaving/playing nicely I'm on her like a shot loading on the praise and attention". To me, if you consistently parent in this way, blanking them when they are whinging/shouting etc and then doing as you describe above it sends out a message to dc that they are only acceptable to us when they're being 'good'and I think that's potentially harmful in the long-run.

She's so young, what's wrong with distraction etc? I stopped holding out for my ds1 to say 'please' when he was asking for things I had every intention of giving him - like his drink- when he was about this age and it was such a relief as it was turning into a draining battle several times a day. I kept modelling the behaviour I wanted and now he's four and his manners are absolutely fine.

There are loads of reasons she may be going through a difficult stage and I do think we expect too much from very small children nowadays.

BTW, I think it's fine to ignore if you need 5 min utes to cool down, that's different from having a policy of ignoring her every time she's difficult.

[Iggly]

Could she be being a bit more whiney because she's not been with you so wants more mummy attention? But is too small to work out that being good is the way you'll praise her?

Also you clearly don't agree with your ex's parenting style - could you be over thinking it and there's not been much change in her behaviour?

[skybluepearl]

I used to do the toddler taming approach too but then read playful parenting by cohen.

I imagine your daughter finds it hard and upsetting to see your ex leave. Maybe she feels vulnerable, insecure and out of control emotionally as a result. Maybe she needs emotinally 'holding' and lots of reassurance.

I agree with modeling the behaviour you want to see - encouraging/saying please and using a nice voice.