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AIBU?

re pressure from Inlaws...

32 replies

idreallyrathernot · 21/02/2011 20:05

... to spend approx £500 every 6 months or so visiting DHs grandmother abroad.

My Inlaws expect us to do this - it isn't really an option not to. I really resent it.

I know it makes an old lady very happy, but it's a lot of money. We have to stay in a hotel and DS is a toddler, so we all have to go to bed when he does.

Am I being mean?

OP posts:

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thefurryone · 21/02/2011 20:09

It's never nice to feel like you're being forced into something against your will, but life is short and family is important, could you look into a cheaper option for accomodation?

How does your DH feel about this? My Grandma lived in a different country to me and now she's no longer with us I regret not visiting her more rather than the money I spent when I did go to see her.

mamsnet · 21/02/2011 20:10

Surely your DH should decide this! Not his parents.. And not even you really..

EcoLady · 21/02/2011 20:13

Is she sufficiently IT-literate to get Skype?

My mum's in New Zealand and Skype's a lifeline!

BuzzLiteBeer · 21/02/2011 20:13

she shouldn't decide whether her money is spent making her go somewhere she doesn't want to? On what planet exactly?

FabbyChic · 21/02/2011 20:18

You say it is not an option not to so how can we actually help you?

You do not have to sleep at the same time as a child, they can get to sleep on their own, whilst it would limit your ability to go out obviously it does not limit you to having to go to sleep at the same time.

curlymama · 21/02/2011 20:18

Does DH want to go? If he does, there's not much you can do unless you are seriously in need of that extra money.

Could he just go on his own to save on transport costs?

Eglu · 21/02/2011 20:19

Sounds like a difficult situation. Does DH want to visit his GM?

idreallyrathernot · 21/02/2011 20:19

It's not that I don't want to go at all - just that I resent the obligation, and also that we don't really have a choice in how often that might be. It's the cheapest possible way to do it, and we are all expected to go.

DH is used to this sort of family obligation so he is happy to go along with it - although if it was left up to him without the pressure, he would probably visit far less.

OP posts:

idreallyrathernot · 21/02/2011 20:23

FabbyChic I guess I should say we are made to feel as though it's unquestionable. Of course I could say I don't want to go, but am wondering if that's just me being mean spirited? Just want people's opinions really.

OP posts:

ENormaSnob · 21/02/2011 20:30

Yanbu

cut it down to yearly maybe?

OTTMummA · 21/02/2011 20:34

can she not travel at all?
How far away is she?

It would be a lot cheaper for everyone if you all chipped in and got her a ticket to here, and then had her at a different house 2- 3 days at a time for 2 weeks surely!

OTTMummA · 21/02/2011 20:37

Also, does this 'visit' take up a considerable amount of holiday leave for you or DH?
If so, then yes i think it is selfish and Unreasonable for them to expect you to go every time.
You are a family, you need holiday time to yourselves aswell.
I would feel a bit miffed aswell, but i would probably just limit the amount of visits that i go on and leave the rest of them to it.

squeakytoy · 21/02/2011 20:40

People who are on holiday dont go to bed at 8pm when they take a toddler. The child quite happily sleeps in a buggy while the parents enjoy an evening out.

curlymama · 21/02/2011 20:40

I don't think it's at all mean spirited, you have a child and are a little family of your own now.

I agree it's unreasonable of them to expect you to use up a large amount of your dh's holiday entitlement for it.

Could you think of somewhere else you would rather go for a holiday this year that your dh would like to do too, and that might help make him see that it's not really necessary for you to go twice a year.

Edinburghlass · 21/02/2011 20:43

I would give my eye teeth to see my granny again. You don't get that time again once they've gone. Depends how close they are. I can see it would save money if your husband and child went and you stayed home.

fedupofnamechanging · 21/02/2011 20:44

First you have to talk privately with your DH and let him know how you are feeling about this. His first obligation is to you now, and as a family you have to decide for yourselves how to spend your money and time.He has to stand with you and not allow his parents to make his decisions any more. He is not a child and neither are you!

Next,you have to stand up for yourself and tell the in laws that you won't be going. Your time, your money, your life. Stop letting other people run it for you.

Portofino · 21/02/2011 20:44

I have a reverse of this situation. My GPs are in their 80s and live in Leeds. We are in Belgium. I haven't seen them for a year. They brought me up. Would it be unreasonable for DH to say I could not spend money to go visit them, and take dd - as they are most looking forward to see her.

You are a long time dead imho. I don't want to get in a position where something happens and I didn't go.

FabbyChic · 21/02/2011 20:45

I think you shouldnt have to go, some have come up with some good ideas on how you could work it out. Can you incorporate your annual leave with a weeks holiday where she lives if the weather is good? Therefore combining your holiday with a visit to the Grandmother?

Getting her over here sounds good too.

I think going twice a year is too much.

What about your dh going alone for one of the visits?

fedupofnamechanging · 21/02/2011 20:47

Meant to add, that my MIl has family abroad and she would like us to visit them more, esp when my DHs grandfather was still alive.

But we couldn't afford to keep going and had other things we needed to spend our money on, so we say no, that we can't afford it. It's something that ILs just have to understand and if they don't, then tough.

idreallyrathernot · 21/02/2011 20:52

Thanks for all the suggestions. I see your point portofino and I do agree.

squeakytoy My DS really doesn't sleep happily in a buggy - he's at an awkward age - I am sure it will get better in time.

That's not really the main issue really - just the amount of cash and how often we are expected to go - we only go for a very short time to save money, but this means it's tough on DS as it's a lot of travel in a short time. It's definitely not a holiday destination unfortunately! She is very elderly and can't travel.

I could put my foot down about the frequency but I reckon it'll go down like a sack o' shit with the MIL!

I wouldn't want DS just going with DH - perhaps that's wrong? DS is the main reason she wants to see us though!

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 21/02/2011 20:53

is it not in a country that could be incorporated into a holiday destination?

Flyonthewindscreen · 21/02/2011 20:58

Would going once a year but for a slightly longer period work as a compromise? Especially as the long journey for a short break is hard on your DS. Would your ILs offer to pay if you said you couldn't afford 2 x £500 trips a year?

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Glubs · 21/02/2011 21:20

I do sympathise because I sometimes find GP visits tedious. It's such a palava going to see them but DD and GP love seeing each other and so I do it.

However, you say you go every 6 months. Twice a year for short visits doesn't seem unreasonable to me. I think most GP would expect to see their grandchildren more often than that.

I realise it's expensive but when my inlaws stay, it costs me at least £100 a time (they come about 5 times a year) in food and when we visit them (about 4 times a year) we spend about £60 on petrol each time, so it all mounts up.

As your son gets older, it will get easier. Don't let your resentment filter through to your son, he needs to store happy memories of visiting his GM.

idreallyrathernot · 21/02/2011 21:24

it's DS's great grandmother - my DH's grandmother. DS sees his GPs very frequently!

OP posts:

Glubs · 22/02/2011 10:13

Ah!! Sorry, I misread, my apologies.

Hmmm, that does put a different spin on it - really not sure how I'd handle that one.

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