Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2

AIBU?

Who was BU?

30 replies

TitsalinaBumSquash · 21/02/2011 17:30

I had an argument with ex on monday and at the time I was sure I was NBU but as usual I am doubtng myself. It's already happened now so really wont make a great deal of difference but I am curious who you all think was BU.

Brief history.

We split up a month ago, it was my decision, he didn't want to.
He has been seein the children 3 times a week and things have been amicable a friendly so far.

He works for a company who he used to work part time for but they offered him full time on the condition that they took into account our sons long term illness and they were understanding in regards to time off ect for it.

Anyway, DS1 went into hospital last Monday for a routine lot of treatment. EX looked after DS2 for the night.

On Tuesday the hospital ran some standard tests and found ut that DS1 was in fact very unwell and said he would need to stay in the week.

I called EX and told him the news and asked him if he was ok to keep staying ay my house to look after DS2.

He said no, he couldn't get time off work. I said that he has always got the time off before as his boss was aware of the situation.

He then said he wouldn't even ask his boss as it wasn't his responsibility anymore and if I hadn't ended the relationship he would of done it but since I had he wasn't going to.

I had lterally no one else at that point and tried explaining to him that even though we weren't together he still had a duty to the chidren and also if he didn't do it I would have to leave DS1 at the hospital by himself over night which we have both in the past agreed would be unkind as DS1 has a lot of night time medications he is hooked up to and he wakes a lot and would be scared to be by himself.

Anyway EX point blank refused and told me to get on with it as I was now a single parent.

Luckily my sister stepped up, although it wasn't conveininet for her as she has her own children and family to look after but she did it to help me out.

EX visited DS1 twice and idn't bother with DS2 at all.

I think he was BU but he says I was.

My point being that it wouldn't have effected him, and he doesn't pay any child support at all which I have been happy with becuase he has kept a good relationship with the kids so really it wouldn't have hurt for him to do this favour for me.

OP posts:

Report

Imnotaslimjim · 21/02/2011 17:32

Yanu! That is unbelievable! It shouldn't matter who or why the relationship ended, they are still his children!

hillyhilly · 21/02/2011 17:33

YANBU, sounds like he is punishing you but ending up punishing the kids instead.

MorticiaAddams · 21/02/2011 17:34

He is being unreasonable and a complete dickhead. The children are his responsibility for life whether you are together or not.

He's using them to punish you and that is twattish at the best of times but downright nasty when your ds1 is so ill.

BooyFuckingHoo · 21/02/2011 17:35

he is BU. it is his child FFS. how does him moving out make him less responsible for him??? it sounds like soemthing my EX would do. makes me sick TBH, teh attitude some parents have.

tulpe · 21/02/2011 17:35

YANBU

They are still his children, whether you are a single parent or not.

lazarusb · 21/02/2011 17:35

He is being selfish, irrational and trying to teach you a lesson. He clearly hasn't thought about how this will affect your dcs and their long term opinion.

TitsalinaBumSquash · 21/02/2011 17:40

Phew, i'm glad you all agree with me, I am trying to be resonable with my requests of him but he always makes me doubt myself.

OP posts:

HecateQueenOfWitches · 21/02/2011 18:29

Oh no, not unreasonable at all.

They are as much his children now as they were when you were a couple.

What a bastard.

So he was only a father to his children while he was sleeping in your bed? Are you going to ask him that?

I would actually, seriously question whether he even loves them, or whether he only accepted them as part of a package with you.

Now he's not with you, is it "children, what children?"

mablemurple · 21/02/2011 18:36

He can divorce or split with you, but he can't do the same to his children. His relationship with them is not linked to the status of his relationship with you. He sounds like an arse and you're clearly better of without him, but he needs to stop acting like a petulant child and realise he has ongoing responsibilities. You need to spell this out to him very clearly, no ifs or buts.

FabbyChic · 21/02/2011 18:37

He is punishing you for finishing with him, when he wanted the relationship to continue.

It is petty of him to take out his upset at the relationship ending on his children.

He is still raw and is trying to hurt you back, like saying Im not good enough for you to be with why should I be good enough for you for this?

You will have to work at it, he is obviously still real upset you split up.

GiddyPickle · 21/02/2011 18:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sassybeast · 21/02/2011 18:37

YANBU but the split was so recent and he is obviously still hurting and still trying to make you 'pay'. It doesn't make it in any way acceptable but I think you jhave to let him got through the process of being angry about a split he didn't want (irrespective of what caused the split)

I would try and move on from this for the sake of the kids - it's so easy to use them as a 'weapon' in the early days - I've been guilty of this myself to my shame but I really WOULD try and not let it get to you. I think that if you turn it into a bigger issue, then he'll just do it again to prove a point. Hopefully, when he sees his children and DS tells him all about being in hospital, he'll feel suitably embarrassed about his behaviour.

FluffyMuff · 21/02/2011 18:39

What a w*nker!

YANBU.

MissJanuary · 21/02/2011 18:39

He was a total twat. Get onto the CSA and get regular support payments sorted.

TitsalinaBumSquash · 21/02/2011 18:41

No he comes to see them whenever it suits him, sometimes afew times a week sometimes only once. DS1 he sees more, he doesn't seem to give much of a toss about DS2 but he always struggled to bond with him as he is quite a challenge at times but he is only 4 and I guess having a not interested father hasn't helped that.

OP posts:

TitsalinaBumSquash · 21/02/2011 18:43

That was to Hecate by the way!

We are speaking again now, he will no dobut turn up a couple of times this week like nothing happened. I think its a power thing, he had no real say over splitting up so I think he is trying to take back the power and trying to punish me like you all say.

I will NOT having using the kids to score points though.

OP posts:

starsandsnowflakes · 21/02/2011 18:45

Yes, agree that he is punishing you for splitting up with him. Only a month since it happened, so still extremely painful and it looks like he is using the children to punish you because he has no other method of punishing you.

Obviously YANBU. He needs to look after his kids regardless.

FabbyChic · 21/02/2011 18:45

You need to take control over the financial issue. He either pays voluntarily or via the CSA. You cannot feed children on fresh air.

I would not allow him to treat the children differently, if you allow him to do that you risk one of your children ending up with a personality disorder later on in life.

You hold the cards, if he cannot treat the children the same then he should not be seeing them at all irrespective of how much easier it is for you to allow him to do it.

TitsalinaBumSquash · 21/02/2011 18:47

I agree and I will be telling him that he needs to pay attention to both children and start pulling his weight.

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 21/02/2011 18:48

Cool beans, good luck with it. !

ThistleDoNicely · 21/02/2011 18:48

YANBU.

Looking after the younger child for longer wouldn't have been a favour to you - it would have been taking responsibility as a father. His behaviour is shocking.

You should sort out maintenance payments so if it happens again you will have the money to pay for childcare, even if you can manage without it normally.

Hope your little ones are ok x

TitsalinaBumSquash · 21/02/2011 18:49

Yes both ok now thanks. DS1 is better, he had us worried for a while there but with CF its a constant worry anyway, DS2 has spent a week with his auntie and cousins, he is a bit clingy and stroppy but generaly ok now we are home.

OP posts:

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

mamas12 · 21/02/2011 20:29

OMFG well you now know his state of mind so you know he can't be relied upon at all.

I'm sorry for yu in this situation but you need to think about arrangements without him in the picture and if he can suddenly 'do' something that fits in with your family plans then think of it as a bonus.

Otherwise go for the csa route too, he is a wan*r isn't he.

glub · 21/02/2011 20:37

just reading this, i agree he's being an idiot on many levels, but could it be something to do with having to stay in your house. that must be very weird. could ds2 not have stayed with him at his place?

TitsalinaBumSquash · 21/02/2011 20:39

Not really he lives in a bedsit and I thought DS2 would feel better in his own home. (Although I understand it may confuse DS2 to have Dad back home agin but what choice did I have?)

OP posts:

Flip

1 2

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.