to not like my best friend's bf?

[squashycreech]

Hi, new poster :)

My best friend and I have known each other for about 5 years, lived in the same city for a bit, but now live in different countries. As such, I don't see her that often, so I was really excited that she was coming over this weekend.

She has a new boyfriend, and I was looking forward to meeting him - she is a lovely person and I want to see her happy. But having spent a couple of days with them, I really do not like him at all.

I suppose I was a bit prejudiced from the start but hoping he'd prove me wrong. He is her first boyfriend, whereas he has just come out of a 15-year relationship - he split up with his ex to get together with my best friend. It all seems to have happened very quickly - met on the Tuesday, he split up with the ex by the Friday and moved city to be with my best friend 6 weeks later.

It did seem a bit but she told me how happy she was and I think I was supportive (met my partner when we both had other partners, so cannot get too judgemental about stuff).

But this weekend, I feel he has been really quite rude to me. They stayed for 2 nights in my room while I slept on the sofa and he didn't say thank you. We went to the supermarket and they chucked a lot of food into the trolley, then watched me pay for it. He hasn't paid for anything all weekend - in the beginning I didn't really think about it, but my best friend has paid for anything that I didn't buy. Everywhere we've gone in town, he has complained about. In fact, the only time he seems to talk is to reply negatively when my best friend asks him if he likes something, or to make comments about their sex life. He seems quite a quiet guy, and that's fine, I am quiet too sometimes, but we sat in a wine bar last night saying NOTHING because I just couldn't take any more sitting talking to my best friend while he looked on at us. The whole weekend, they walked 2 paces behind me and not really chatting, either to me or each other. Basically, I felt a bit left out and as if they were only using me to sleep for free at my house.

This is not behaviour I normally see in my best friend. She is one of the most considerate and caring people I know. But the whole weekend I felt uncomfortable and awkward and like she wasn't really here to see me, but more to spend time with him.

AIBU and childish? I know I am not always easy to get on with (have depression) but I really tried to make an effort to chat with this guy/take them nice places/offer them a room and after a bit I just couldn't make the effort any more.

[Tortington]

you can not like the partners of your friends

but dont tell them ffs!

[QueenofAllWildThings]

Sounds like YANBU at all. Did he initiate any conversation with you at all? If not, that's pretty rude, if he's sleeping in your bed! Even if he's just shy, it wouldn't kill him to say thanks for giving up your bed, or for him to pay for some shopping... sounds like she is loved-up and you might not get any sense out of her until she a) realises what he's really like or b) the flush of first love fades a bit.

Not childish at all - if anything, they were.

[bupcakesandcunting]

Nah YANBU he sounds like a gonad.

[squashycreech]

Yeah custardo, not planning on telling her I don't like him - just not sure what to say when the inevitable "what do you think?" conversation comes up!

He really didn't initiate any conversation, I don't think Queen. I know what it's like to be shy, used to be terribly shy but still think I'd have mustered up a thanks to someone giving up their bed for me.

[Tryharder]

Well clearly YANBU. You don't have to like him and he sounds like a twat. You say they live in a different country to you. Is English is first language - if not, might account for some of the quietness/non communication.

But you made an effort, offered them a place to stay, paid for everything etc etc so you have done your bit!

IME a lot of insecure men do not like their partners to have good female friends because they think they are being talked about. My bf's DH hates me because he suspects that his wife has told me all about their shite sex life, his complete twattishness and drink problems (and he'd be right )

[squashycreech]

sugarpastefrog - passive aggressive could be it. With stuff like not paying for the shopping - I really didn't mind paying at the time, but after a couple of days of not even being offered a coffee or a round of drinks, I was a bit miffed. When they left this morning without a "thanks for letting us stay/showing us round", I was pretty upset.

Just not sure if I'm maybe being paranoid and that I was as bad as him. I know I am sometimes quite quiet, but I don't feel I was. Not sure if I'm reading too much into this, but had the feeling that with not paying and making comments about sex with my best friend he was sort of marking his territory a little bit.

Was sort of expecting him to be really nice to me in the hope we could all get on. Will continue with our friendship, definitely. Just won't be inviting him to my place to stay any time soon!

[squashycreech]

Tryharder, no English isn't his first language, and that could definitely account for some of it. However, I'd say his standard of English is probably as good as my best friend's and he does work in England/speak English quite often.

You could also be right about him being insecure and suspicious. He probably knows that I know his history and is a bit cautious.

Glad to know people don't think I was being a total bitch!

[FabbyChic]

The majority of men would not have let you pay for anything. Something not quite right there.

[squashycreech]

Don't mind paying my share. Also don't mind paying my best friend's share. Even if he'd said thanks for buying stuff, I'd have been less put out and probably wouldn't have thought much about.

Got the feeling he's a bit skint, but if you're skint, you probably shouldn't come to London for a cheap holiday!

[Tryharder]

As SugarPasteFrog said.

[squashycreech]

Really hope that's not the case and that he's just a bit quiet and uncomfortable with meeting new people. She is a lovely person and deserves someone lovely.

My partner (normally v forgiving and optimistic) met him briefly this morning and also got bad vibes. He literally said hi and goodbye and watched while my partner and friend chatted.

Gah. Really not sure what to say when she asks what I thought of him. Do not like lying to her and am very sure that she would say if she didn't like my partner.

[LaWeasel]

I know it is a tough call, but... A few years back my best friend got involved with a guy I didn't like. It wasn't all that clear cut - he was very charming, but manipulative and not interested in bf having fun if he wasn't happy. I didn't say anything.

He turned out to be not just controlling but violent. Now it makes her cross that so many people had wobbles about but didn't say anything.

I would say something - nothing major, don't mention abuse or pa, but comment on him being very quiet and does she always pay or her not seeming happy. And at least if something is wrong or bothering her in the future she can talk to you.

I always do this now. I just don't feel like I can risk being right anymore.

[anonymosity]

sounds like a bad and uncomfortable situation. not a lot you can do but be the ideal host and wish them well. They live a long way away, its not like you're going to allow a repeat of this.

[wellwisher]

He sounds like a dick. I might say something like "did he have a good time? He was so quiet I was worried he wasn't enjoying himself".

I think his jokes about their sex life sound weird and creepy, particularly if he wasn't otherwise chatty/joky/outgoing. Did your friend seem embarrassed? Can you talk to her about this? It's disrespectful, and is not normal behaviour - she may not realise that if he's her first boyfriend.

[smokingnuns]

YANBU He does't sound like good news OP

A few people told me they didn't like my now ex, and why, and, when the shit hit the fan years later, I was so glad those people had the courage to say those things because it helped me to realise I wasn't going mad and that he was a dodgy character. I would warn her but you will have to risk losing the friendship if you do. You could say she doesn't seem herself with him and that made you feel very uncomfortable.

It would be one thing if he behaved like that towards you outside, but treating you like that in your own home? When you've given up your bed for them? He behaved as though you were the enemy. urgh, he sounds dreadful. He's controlling her already eg she is already going totally against her character and morals - god help her in the future

[squashycreech]

Thanks for the replies guys. I have had a big think, and am pretty sure that she'll ask me if I liked him and might as well be honest. I v much doubt that she'd end our friendship, which is good.

wellwisher - to be honest, i didn't look at her when he said things about their sex life, too mortified. And yes smokingnuns, was very gutted that he made me feel uncomfortable in my own home after I'd tried to help them out.

The speed this relationship is going at is pretty terrifying. They not only work together, but apparently she spends 6 nights a week at his house and doesn't see her friends much at the moment. I know what it's like in the early days, but she's planning on moving in and they've only been together a few months. With him just out of a 15-year relationship (where they were apparently trying for a baby) and being 10 years older than my friend, it just all seems a bit dodgy. She's a very trusting person, tends to believe people are good and kind and I'm not sure that she has a great bs detector.

I wish I could trust myself more on this. I have had such a bad time with my mental health that I'm never sure if I'm being unreasonable or not.

[justabit]

If she asks what you thought of him I think you could reply that you don't know as you didn't really get the chance to know him given that he was so quiet. Then see what she says. It might prove a good introduction to a longer conversation.