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AIBU?

To ask for my fertility monitor back?

43 replies

YankNCock · 14/02/2011 20:22

I have a sort of delicate situation.

Last year, a friend of mine said she and her DH were going to TTC. They've had a rocky relationship, friend is nearing 40 and has all sorts of health problems which make conceiving quite difficult. They have also gone for periods of up to 2 years without sex and have been on verge of splitting up a few times.

But friend seemed quite certain they'd agreed to TTC and was asking me about all the charting I'd done and I told her about the fertility monitor I'd used. It's basically just a BBT thermometer with an alarm and recorder on it, but it cost me £40 new and I was taking temps much more reliably with it than with a regular thermometer. I offered to lend it to her and she said she'd try it.

I think it was about a year ago I gave it to her and since then all mention of them TTC has stopped, the sex is non-existent, and they are having the same squabbles as before. Realistically the window is probably closing for them and given what I know of their history together I just can't see them ever having a child together (not that I've said this to her obviously).

Now DH and I have agreed to try for DC2, and I'd really like to start charting again. I've tried with a regular thermometer and just can't get back in the hang of it again.

Would it be very unreasonable of me to ask for the monitor back from my friend, or is it going to come across as 'hey, quit kidding yourself, you're not ever going to have a child!'?

Fuck. It probably is unreasonable, isn't it. I really really don't want to rub our TTC in her face. I'm out £40, aren't I? I suppose the friendship is worth it though.

OP posts:

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LovePinkBitsOfMyHorse · 14/02/2011 20:30

£40? friendship must be worth that!

FreudianSlippery · 14/02/2011 20:31

Is there a particular reason for you needing a chart? Did you have difficulty TTC? I dont mean that in a nosy way, but if you don't really NEED the monitor yourself I'd leave it. But if you do have problems TTC then you must have it back and I'm sure they'd understand.

firesoup · 14/02/2011 20:33

why not ask her if shes using it? if she isn't then surely she would be able to let you have it back no problem.

KathyImLost · 14/02/2011 20:34

You could just ask if she uses it? She might openly admit she doesn't and then you could ask for it back. Or if she says she does, say nowt.

KathyImLost · 14/02/2011 20:35

Oops x-post with firesoup.

BitOfFun · 14/02/2011 20:36

Where has this thermometer been, exactly?

BringOnTheGoat · 14/02/2011 20:38

Could you ask if she bothered using the monitor? 'Oh you know that monitor I lent you, did you ever bother giving it a go?'

I don't see why it would ruin a frindship though, she seems to confide in you and so you should be able to confide back. it's not nose rubbing to share. If I'm sad and friend is happy, I am still happy for them.

BitOfFun · 14/02/2011 20:42

Can you not just have sex every day or two and hope for the best? Or is it a lot more complicated than that?

chillichill · 14/02/2011 20:44

"you offered to lend it to her" not give it to her, right? in a way, she is the one who is being unreasonable. she held on to it for a year when she should have given it back.if not using it.

Foreverondiet · 14/02/2011 20:45

I would just ask if she is still using it, and ask for it back. if she says she's still using it then drop it.

AnyFuleKno · 14/02/2011 20:46

Don't ask for it back...seriously.

You don't need a £40 thing, if you want to chart. Get a cheapo boots BBT thermometer for a few quid.

Lulumaam · 14/02/2011 20:48

say to her you are TTC and if she's finished with the monitor, you could do with it back

if it's been a year and she's not TTC and things are bad, then surely she can give it back?

you only lent it to her and now you need it

YankNCock · 14/02/2011 21:11

I know I can chart with just a regular thermometer (orally, BOF ), but in the past I found the integral alarm and ability to record 3 months worth of temps extremely handy. Before I got it I was using BBT thermometer and fiddling with turning lights on and writing stuff down, so groggy I'd forget what I'd just done, etc.

The every other day thing would be fine if I had regular cycles, but I don't, and am still BFing but trying to get down to 1 feed a day and figure out if I'm ovulating yet. Only had one period so far (DS is nearly 18 months).

I know it should be easy to ask for it back, but I just feel like it is calling attention to the fact that she is NOT TTC...like I am forcing her to admit it when she seems to be in a bit of denial.

OP posts:

nannyl · 14/02/2011 21:15

i got a basal thermeter on ebay for about £4 delivered

it remembers that last temp, which means i could do it half asleep and note the temp when i woke up by pressing the button.

would tell me the last temp it took]

i then charted online using tcoyf website

squeakytoy · 14/02/2011 21:18

I got a basal thermometer from boots last month. I do my charting on my iPhone app which is brilliant. Have the phone next to me at the side of the bed, and just tap the temp in as I do it when I wake up.

I also use the fertility friends online chart too.. thats really good and very easy to use.

Thermometer was about 15 quid in Boots.

Eglu · 14/02/2011 21:22

I don't think asking for it back is saying that you think she'll never have a baby.

I think it is perfectly reasonable to ask for something back that you would like to use again.

thisisyesterday · 14/02/2011 21:25

i think you've made this into more than it is!

just ask her for it, it has been a year now... she won't be offended!

YankNCock · 14/02/2011 21:34

From an outside perspective I can see how it might look like it's a big deal over nothing, but the thing is, she's mentioned quite a few times being jealous of me. We both came to the UK at the same time (met here as expats), and my life has moved forward while hers has essentially not changed in the last 8 years.

She's seen me get out of a relationship I wasn't happy in, find a new partner, get remarried, have a baby, buy a house....all things she wanted for herself and has not gotten. She even refers to my son as 'MY baby' (jokingly, she's not a baby-snatcher or anything) and any minor complaint I have about DS she'll say 'well at least you've got a baby!' or similar.

Does that sort of explain why I am reluctant to bring it up?

OP posts:

chillichill · 14/02/2011 21:39

seriously? you all think she should buy another one? I don't get it. the monitor is yours. you leant it to her to try and now you need it back. if she liked it and wants to keep using it she can buy her own. if you leant her your car and she still needed it would you go out and buy another one?

FreudianSlippery · 14/02/2011 21:47

Oh I see, with the irregular periods etc you have very good reason to chart. Can you just mention it in passing - that you're TTC and are going to start monitoring?

FabbyChic · 14/02/2011 21:48

Just say to her hey are you still trying to conceive? see what she says, if no then ask for it back.

blackeyedsusan · 14/02/2011 21:56

I would ask for it back. you lent it, not gave it, it is still yours. offer it back to her when you no longer need it. NOw someone needs to come along and advise you HOW to ask for it back.

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zipzap · 14/02/2011 22:56

Think it is OK to ask for it back as you lent it and you now need it back.

Think of it along the lines of now she has had a chance to try one without buying one - if she does still want to use one then she can buy one and know that she won't waste £40 on something that she won't use. Alternatively if she didn't get on with it she'll know that she doesn't need to spend £40 on it and can try something else.

You on the other hand know that you can use it more reliably and easily than other things so you do need it.

how about just saying one day 'do you remember that monitor I lent you to try - I don't know how you got on with it but the thing is that now I need to use it again, and I can't afford to buy one when I've already bought one, so please could I have it back'.

you then just have to figure out how you will respond to her possible answers:

have it back = great thanks
I'm still using it = great that you have found it useful, but you knew it was a loan and I wanted to use it again, I'm really sorry but I really need it back and can't afford to buy a new one, you'll have to get your own if you still want one
I've broken/lost it = oh... not sure what you want to answer to this!
I've put it onto ebay = again - not sure how you would react to this other than to be really upset and make her buy you a new one
I've lent it to someone else = argh. get it back.

and so on...

just need to practise them in your head first so that when you have the conversation with her you don't panic and end up kicking yourself afterwards because you have been manipulated guilted into letting her keep it!

A1980 · 14/02/2011 23:07

TBH I would't want it back after someone else had used it. I'm surprised she wanted to borrow it.

Do you actually need it though?

If you've agreed to TTC there's a fr easier way to see if you're ovulating. Have frequent unprotected sex.

squeakytoy · 14/02/2011 23:09

Its an oral thermometer.. why wouldnt someone else want to use it?

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