Please help me! Need some one to talk to about this

[StaryNightSky]

Oh God Please HELP!
This is going to be long, but I literally am in tears as I don´t know what to do, so please find time to read!
I used to post a lot but have not been able to for several years.
Background.
I have a DD (2.5) very good pregnancy and labour, but after I gave birth I was very ill. Lots of blood loss, and epileptic fits (lost 4pints) DH was old to call family as I might not make it through the night. I Was very poorly but desperate to breast feed, and managed for 4 months, and then combined feeding for another month (had to stop as it was the only option was Breast feed in hospital whilst being given blood). Because I was so weak I slept in DD room for 18months, night feeds, night waking (I have severe epilepsy and need as much sleep as I can get) etc. Dh and I have had problems from day 1. I think he was terrified that he would lose me and (sub) consciously blamed DD. I had comments like ?YOUR daughter is crying? said to me in the middle of the night, when I had not woken up and he came in and shook me. Leave her to cry (dd was 3 days old) she was cluster feeding at night, would not settle for a couple of hours and feed constantly. He would not hold / cuddle / feed. But would change nappies. Could not be trusted to look after dd (5 wks old, I asked to watch dd when I had a shower, came back into the room 5 mins latter DH was outside, DD was in the lounge)
We had a terrible time, lots of things were thrown at me DH said he was only a sperm donor, that I had trapped him, we really struggled. NOT TRUE BY THE WAY
Fast forward, DD is nearly 3. We have our own business (think hotel) we work 7 days a week, 365. No break. We have no money, (I feed us on 75 pounds a month). We are constantly tired, I am still getting up with DD most nights, she has just started nursery so is catching everything that goes.
DD is a poppet, DH is great most of the time and a good partner. BUT the problem is in the Bed room, I have a weight problem I have battled my whole life (lost 8 stone, whilst pregnant and diagnosed with a rare hormonal problem) I am for the first time in my life losing weight whilst still eating(previous problem with depression) I desperately DO NOT want to take the pill, encase I start to put weight on or the weight loss stops. I cannot explain how miserable I am over being FAT! I can´t eat out as I think everyone is judging me. (I am in tears even thinking about it)
But the problem is DH can?t use condoms etc. We have not had Sex for 3 years. We do other things (Oral, manual etc) but what with all the work, monies worries, etc things are getting very strained. I really do understand what he means, and I think is a fair point but I don´t know what to do.
Basically DH says no sex no relationship, either we have a relationship in the bedroom or we seperatre. So as I see it I have 2 choices.
1 take the pill and risk not losing weight and being even more miserable
2 Dont´take the pill and lose DH and being miserable.
I also worry so much about DH having DD on his own, he has never settled her to sleep, etc and loses his temper quickly (IS NOT VIOLENT NEVER HAS BEEN) but I still worry.
Please I don´t know what to do, I have no one to talk to.

[rinabean]

Why can't he use condoms? An actual, physical reason, or just because he's a twat? Because he sounds like a total twat, if I'm honest.

[VanityRocks]

First of all contact RELATE.They are very good and base fees on your salary etc.
I too will not take the pill and I'm considering the coil.Is this an option for you?

[StaryNightSky]

Can´t keep it up, says he has no feeling (we did use the at the begining, and he did have problems, so I used to have the thing the went in my arm instead) I know writing it down it sounds terrible, but he is lovely most of the time, but not when I need it most. I am so miserable about this.

Sorry when I get really emotional my brain doesn´t work well! I can´t get my words out, Its becuase of the Epilepsy. I have the problem all the time but worse if I am emotional (I don´t mean to sound, stupid aor anything)

[StaryNightSky]

Can´t contact relate, we are not in the UK. Coil, I have heavy periods so that puts one of them out, and the other is hormonal. I don´t know what to do.

I have looked in consiling, but we would have to pay over here and can´t afford it,

[lospollos]

condoms?implant?

[StaryNightSky]

Thanks you for taking the time to read. it sound stupid but I just need some one to talk to about it.

[BarbarianMum]

There are several contraceptive options you could consider - the cap being the most obvious and easy, but also the female condom and the coil.

But tbh it sounds like your probs go way beyond sex. Suggest you go to Relate (they will talk to just you if your husband doesn't want to play ball) as a first step.

Men who won't share contraceptive responsibility are twats btw.

[MummyO3]

i havent read the replies but i have read your origional post, and tbh im normally a lurker here and dont post but i wanted to say massive hugs, sounds like you have had a hard time of it, seems like you could do with a break away but with a business that wouldnt be easy, do you have family to help? as for the contraception, you can get the coil, cant member the name of it, its the one with no hormones, therfore no chance of weight gain etc,

i really hope things get better soon for you x

[BarbarianMum]

Sorry, x posted.

Do you/he want more children? Would he consider a vasectomy?

[nufsed]

Sorry you are having such a crap time.

Have you looked into the contraceptive cap? It may work for you.

[Catnao]

Sounds like you and your family are having it really hard. I can understand why fear of losing you might make your husband behave in the way he has at first, and then patterns of behaviour can become established can't they? I don't know what to suggest if counselling is too expensive - but can your doctor help at all? I hope you will get some support from someone who can actually help, I'm sorry I can't.

[trixie123]

so sorry to read your post. have you tried different types of pill? how about (and this is fairly drastic) but if no other form of contraception is going to be suitable, would he consider a vasectomy? It may not be appropriate at the moment if your relationship is on shaky ground but it doesn't sound as though you are planning more children or that he would welcome them with you or anyone else. It does sound like you could use some general relationship help but if Relate isn't an option I don't know of others. Is it something the GP where you are can refer you to? Anyway ((hugs)) and I hope you can find a solution.

[NinjaCuckoo]

I thought that the Mirena coil helped to ease heavy menses?

Is their a medical reason you cannot take the pill or is it just that you are scared you will put on some weight.

3 years is a long time for a husband and wife not to have had sex if it's just a concern about weight gain.

[spanky2]

I have very heavy periods and the myrena coil has sorted it out. In most cases women stop their periods altogether, I still have spotting every month that requires a panty liner. Before I could fill a night time towel in half an hour. It has the equivilent of 2 mini pills a week so you shouldn't get the weight gain. I haven't but I did with the pill. Most of my friends have it, and they all love it. Also my dh can't feel it.

[Catnao]

But "just" a concern about weight gain can be a huge concern. A colleague of mine was a size 24 and lost nine stone(!) and for her, weight gain would be a HUGE consideration - she told me she feels she has reclaimed her life since the weight loss.

[QueenStromba]

Do you want more kids? If not then one of you getting sterilised might be an option. I'm in a similarly annoying situation. Hormones don't really agree with me, I get heavy periods so the coil is out, I have a slight latex allergy so normal condoms aren't great for regular sex and and my DP's too big for non-latex condoms (neither of us are a big fan of the things anyway). We did talk about him getting a vasectomy but neither of us were overly keen on the idea and we did a bit of research and it looks like there might be some more easily reversible options in the next few years. I ended up getting the implant because at the very least it's really effective and I can just forget it's there for three years.

[NinjaCuckoo]

But "just" a concern about weight gain can be a huge concern

Catnao I agree with you - I didn't phrase that particularly well. Most women I know however only gained a small amount of weight when they went on the pill, not a few stones. I guess I meant that a small weight gain would surely be worth having in exchange for a sexual relationship with your husband.

With respect, the OP's OH must love her very much as a lot of blokes would have threatened to leave well before it hit Year 3 of no intercourse (I'm not saying that's right btw).

[MummyO3]

just an extra thought, if you do get a little weight gain, surely the extra exercise ;) will burn that off x

[StaryNightSky]

Thanks All, for taking th time to read. I really was at the end of my rope last night. Feel a bit better thismorning. Had a heart to heart with DH last night and he really does understand the weight gain problem.

I don't think you can truely understand if yo8u have not been there. I used to live (seriously) on 500kcals a day and was still putting on weight!

It is seriously terrifying to even think about putting weight on. (have lost 3 stones since november on these new tablets to balance the hormones and I still have another 3 stone to go before I will be happy)

Ninjacuckoo you are right of course and I really do see DH point of view by the way (and he has threated before) I think that is one of the problems as soon as I start to trust and feel safe again, he goes back to the sort this or I'm leaving and my head spins again.

I think if i did not have my DD I think I would have lost the plot by now.

Will think about evrything you have said.

[iscream]

There are other choices of birth control. www.patient.co.uk/doctor/Female-Barrier-Methods-of-Contraception.htm
But, it kind of sounds like you are not planning to have another pregnancy, due to how rough it was on you. If that is the case, why don't you and/or your dh get fixed?

[mamadiva]

Would you consider getting sterilised or would he?

That way there are no hormones involved, I would'nt normally suggest but it sounds like both of you are adamant not to have any more children and I think that is the right choice by the sound sof it.

Not because of your relationship or because either of you sound like bad parents (you don't) but after all the issues when you had your DD.

It sounds like your DH may have severe depression possibly post natal. It's not unheard of but I think it is quite rare.

[mamadiva]

X Post iscream :)

[EricNorthmansMistress]

Are you on meds for the epilepsy? If so then the pill may not work anyway. Are you still actually overweight? A friend of mine started a new epilepsy med that is also used to suppress appetite in obese patients. She is overweight herself and has lost over a stone since starting it. Could be a consideration?

It sounds like you have had a terrible time of it and I'm not surprised your sex life has suffered. Did the implant not work for you? Could you try that again? Or the injection?

[fedupofnamechanging]

Hi StaryNightSky,

I was just wondering whether you and DH are happy running your business or whether you would consider selling up and doing something else. it sounds like you are doing an awful lot of work and not getting much out of it, either financially or in terms of time together to do your own thing.

I also don't think that your DH should be telling you to sort this. Obviously you would have if you could. It is his responsibility as much as yours and I think he should consider vasectomy if you don't want more children. If you do go down the sterilization route, I am suggesting that he does it rather than you because I think physically you've had enough going on.

I also think it is a little unfair to say you've not had sex for 3 years. You've not had penetrative sex,but you have been doing other things. It's not as if you haven't been near each other for 3 years, but I do think the work pressure isn't helping.

Fwiw, not every woman who takes the pill puts on weight. I took it for years without weight gain, but obviously don't know how things are with you hormonally.

Just wanted to say that things will get better with your DD. She will eventually sleep properly. I honestly do think that you and your DH need some sort of professional assistance to help you deal with the problems you've had and to help your DH have a good relationship with his DD. Please talk to your doctor or look into any local charities who might provide financial help with the cost of counselling.