DH and the pub... yawn

[aliceinlalaland]

I possibly ABU but I feel really fed up and want to have a moan really.

DH calls me at work today to say he's flat out at work, lots of new work has come in and he's got to work all tomorrow. Fair enough, he has a very busy job, has to work long hours and while it's not ideal I understand. But, it is a bit of a bugger - we had various things planned with the DCs tomorrow and it'll be a lot more work with one pair of (adult) hands. DC are just 3 and almost 1.

Then early evening I'm back home giving kids their dinner, call DH to see what time he'll be back i.e. should I wait for him or eat with the kids. He says he's going out to a leaving do at work. I'm a bit annoyed because (a) he hasn't mentioned it before (and despite him saying he's worked with this guy for a long time he has never mentioned the man's name to me before so I can't believe they're that close) (b) he's already going to be missing half the weekend with the DC and he hardly sees them during the week (half hour in the morning generally) (c) I spend quite a lot of evenings on my own at home as it is and really look forward to sort of celebrating the start of the weekend with him. Anyway I was bit grumpy about it but he says he will be back by 9 etc.

Then, inevitably, he texts later to say 'can he stay out a bit longer?', this is followed up by a call. So, I made it clear that I think it's a bit rubbish (and why) but that I'm not his mum and he can decide for himself whether or not to stay out. But I find it so irritating. He will I guarantee come back really late and then be hungover tomorrow, which seems daft to me when he's telling me how incredibly snowed under he is at work.

Plus it just annoys me that I"m the default setting for childcare. Because he knows I'll be back here to look after the DC in the evenings (and I don't begrudge that, I love putting them to bed etc) he doesn't bother to tell me when he's going out until minutes before. As you've probably gathered, this has happened before

Grrrrr. Go on then, AIBU?

[aliceinlalaland]

I haven't made this thread very appealing have I... Anyone?

[AnyFucker]

sorry, I have read your thread but what do you want people to say ?

YANBU

that about covers it, I think

but whilst you continue to enable the piss-taking, there is no more to be said

[Spenguin]

Affair?

[BlueCollie]

No YANBU. Can you go out tomorrow eveing with some mates. Plan it but don't tell him
just spring it on him and go out looking a million dollers and don't come back until late. Then refuse to get out of bed on Sunday and watch tele while he cooks/looks after the kids. Thats what I would do anyway.

[AnyFucker]

who knows ?

whatever he is doing is demonstrating a certain level of disrespect, that is for sure

[aliceinlalaland]

AnyFucker - well, yes, that's what i was asking really. I genuinely don't know if I'm being unreasonable - I know people who think this sort of thing is acceptable and ones who don't but no-one who I can really talk to about it in RL. So wondered what MNetters thought - that's what AIBU is for, right?

spenguin - no, very sure he isn't

[aliceinlalaland]

BlueCollie - like your thinking

[AnyFucker]

ok YANBU

I don't believe in colluding with a married man with dc to continue with a single and footloose life

it depends how often he does it though

and how much opportunity you get to cut loose too

also, whether you are ever invited to the carousing, or kept at arm's length

you don't really say much about that

difficult to give a definiive answer, tbh

[AnyFucker]

so, if you like Blue's thinking, will you do it ?

or will you fume and seethe inwardly, because he tells you that he deserves his nights out because he works so hard ?

[aliceinlalaland]

It happens, I don't know, once a month maybe? So I guess not that regular.

I'm never invited to work stuff. But generally I'm with the DC anyway so it wouldn't work.

I do go out. I generally organise my own childcare though because he'd never be back in time to babysit. I suppose the difference is I'd never go out and get completely wasted if I knew I had stuff to do the next day/was meant to be spending time with DH/DC or, in fact, hadn't let him know in advance.

And the reason I'm not sure whether IABU is because, to be fair, he did say 'can I go out?' 'can I stay out later?' - so I could, technically, have stopped him going out. But it'd be miserable to spend an evening with someone knowing they were there under duress.

It just feels like he's being very immature. But, maybe he deserves to let off steam etc that is, I'm sure, what he'd say.

[AnyFucker]

a father doesn't "babysit" his own children, please remember that

and why can't you say "no, actually you should stay in wih your family this evening, I am tired too and we should be co-parenting"

what pressure are you feeling to be the "cool" wife who "doesn't nag"

I am a nag, and proud of it

I get some some equality in my relationship, because I bloody well stand up and demand it

[aliceinlalaland]

x-posted Any Fucker - er will I do it? Actually we've got a babysitter booked and are going out to a gig tomorrow. So, yes, I do get to go out. But I just wouldn't go out alone without him and expect him to babysit without arranging it first. Would I do it if we weren't going out? Not sure I'd have the nerve because, like I say, I'm never quite sure if I'm being unreasonable or not.

[manicbmc]

Consider if the situation was reversed and you were the one working then going out drinking. What would his reaction be if you buggered off at the drop of a hat to go out regularly?

If you think he would be seriously pissed off then I'd say he needs telling.

[aliceinlalaland]

TheSecondComing - I'm fine with him going out when it's pre-arranged. I guess it does piss me off when he gets so drunk that he's a complete write-off at weekends, largely because he's not around at all during the week. But I don't make a huge deal about it.

AnyFucker - you might have a point, maybe i'm too concerned about being, well I wouldn't say a cool wife, but maybe a bit paranoid about not nagging. I did tell him I'd prefer it if he wasn't out but I suppose I draw the line and making him come home because I feel like it shouldn't take me insisting to make him want to come back

[aliceinlalaland]

manic - I'm sure if I were to ask him hypothetically he'd say he was fine with it. I'm sure he wouldn't be but the reality is that I work part-time (and often from home) and I'm the main carer. Because he works such long hours we'd never be in a position where I was out at work and then stayed out. Actually I'd love to go for the odd drink after work but there's no way he'd be back in time to look after the kids

[AnyFucker]

stand up for yourself

you are not a doormat are you ?

here are some glaring inequalities here...and you play along with them

yanbu

why the hell would you be ?

he gets more leisure time than you, yes ?

and "being the main carer" of children is not "leisure time" it's called parenting

he is slacking a bit in the parenting dept

[AnyFucker]

Bluddy...if he is the one who gets to go out on the Friday nights while OP is "babysitting" do you think that is "co-parenting" ?

[AnyFucker]

a bloke who works long hours should be prioritising his family time over drinking time with his buddies

it's obvious to me

[manicbmc]

If you aren't happy about it then tell him that he needs to give you a bit of notice if he's going out. Used to really bug me when the ex did this (with him was all the time though).

He needs to show you the same respect you show him. I'm pretty sure you'd let him know if you were planning a night out without him.

[Mumcentreplus]

Depends if it's something that happens regularly...I can be guilty of this myself and have also experienced it..you need to talk with him and tell him how you feel..you are not nagging you are expressing genuine and valid concerns, I bet if it was reversed he would not have a problem with telling you!

There is nothing wrong with coming to an agreement about behaviour and discussing comprimises etc ...this is what you do with your partner..communicate

[aliceinlalaland]

I see what you're saying AnyFucker but there is another way to look at this which is that he works v long hours and has a stressful job but that job brings in a very good wage, which allows us to live in our nice house etc So, therefore, he would I imagine say that he deserves a drink out with his work colleagues when he fancies it.

But, of course, I also work v long hours, it's just that many of my hours are spent doing childcare, housework etc

I'm just trying to see it from both sides and not just go off on one when he gets in without thinking through his side of things.

[AnyFucker]

with such young children, and the fact he appears incapable of not rendering himself a useless fuckwit the next day by not curbing the drinking, I would say once a month is too much