DH and the pub... yawn

(69 Posts)

I possibly ABU but I feel really fed up and want to have a moan really.

DH calls me at work today to say he's flat out at work, lots of new work has come in and he's got to work all tomorrow. Fair enough, he has a very busy job, has to work long hours and while it's not ideal I understand. But, it is a bit of a bugger - we had various things planned with the DCs tomorrow and it'll be a lot more work with one pair of (adult) hands. DC are just 3 and almost 1.

Then early evening I'm back home giving kids their dinner, call DH to see what time he'll be back i.e. should I wait for him or eat with the kids. He says he's going out to a leaving do at work. I'm a bit annoyed because (a) he hasn't mentioned it before (and despite him saying he's worked with this guy for a long time he has never mentioned the man's name to me before so I can't believe they're that close) (b) he's already going to be missing half the weekend with the DC and he hardly sees them during the week (half hour in the morning generally) (c) I spend quite a lot of evenings on my own at home as it is and really look forward to sort of celebrating the start of the weekend with him. Anyway I was bit grumpy about it but he says he will be back by 9 etc.

Then, inevitably, he texts later to say 'can he stay out a bit longer?', this is followed up by a call. So, I made it clear that I think it's a bit rubbish (and why) but that I'm not his mum and he can decide for himself whether or not to stay out. But I find it so irritating. He will I guarantee come back really late and then be hungover tomorrow, which seems daft to me when he's telling me how incredibly snowed under he is at work.

Plus it just annoys me that I"m the default setting for childcare. Because he knows I'll be back here to look after the DC in the evenings (and I don't begrudge that, I love putting them to bed etc) he doesn't bother to tell me when he's going out until minutes before. As you've probably gathered, this has happened before

Grrrrr. Go on then, AIBU?

I haven't made this thread very appealing have I... Anyone?

AnyFucker Fri 11-Feb-11 21:37:23

sorry, I have read your thread but what do you want people to say ?

YANBU

that about covers it, I think

but whilst you continue to enable the piss-taking, there is no more to be said

Spenguin Fri 11-Feb-11 21:37:32

Affair?

BlueCollie Fri 11-Feb-11 21:38:18

No YANBU. Can you go out tomorrow eveing with some mates. Plan it but don't tell him
just spring it on him and go out looking a million dollers and don't come back until late. Then refuse to get out of bed on Sunday and watch tele while he cooks/looks after the kids. Thats what I would do anyway.

AnyFucker Fri 11-Feb-11 21:38:20

who knows ?

whatever he is doing is demonstrating a certain level of disrespect, that is for sure

AnyFucker - well, yes, that's what i was asking really. I genuinely don't know if I'm being unreasonable - I know people who think this sort of thing is acceptable and ones who don't but no-one who I can really talk to about it in RL. So wondered what MNetters thought - that's what AIBU is for, right?

spenguin - no, very sure he isn't

BlueCollie - like your thinking smile

AnyFucker Fri 11-Feb-11 21:43:52

ok YANBU

I don't believe in colluding with a married man with dc to continue with a single and footloose life

it depends how often he does it though

and how much opportunity you get to cut loose too

also, whether you are ever invited to the carousing, or kept at arm's length

you don't really say much about that

difficult to give a definiive answer, tbh

AnyFucker Fri 11-Feb-11 21:45:21

so, if you like Blue's thinking, will you do it ?

or will you fume and seethe inwardly, because he tells you that he deserves his nights out because he works so hard ?

BluddyMoFo Fri 11-Feb-11 21:45:33

Depends if this is a regular occurence or not.

It happens, I don't know, once a month maybe? So I guess not that regular.

I'm never invited to work stuff. But generally I'm with the DC anyway so it wouldn't work.

I do go out. I generally organise my own childcare though because he'd never be back in time to babysit. I suppose the difference is I'd never go out and get completely wasted if I knew I had stuff to do the next day/was meant to be spending time with DH/DC or, in fact, hadn't let him know in advance.

And the reason I'm not sure whether IABU is because, to be fair, he did say 'can I go out?' 'can I stay out later?' - so I could, technically, have stopped him going out. But it'd be miserable to spend an evening with someone knowing they were there under duress.

It just feels like he's being very immature. But, maybe he deserves to let off steam etc that is, I'm sure, what he'd say.

TheSecondComing Fri 11-Feb-11 21:52:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker Fri 11-Feb-11 21:52:21

a father doesn't "babysit" his own children, please remember that

and why can't you say "no, actually you should stay in wih your family this evening, I am tired too and we should be co-parenting"

what pressure are you feeling to be the "cool" wife who "doesn't nag"

I am a nag, and proud of it

I get some some equality in my relationship, because I bloody well stand up and demand it

x-posted Any Fucker - er will I do it? Actually we've got a babysitter booked and are going out to a gig tomorrow. So, yes, I do get to go out. But I just wouldn't go out alone without him and expect him to babysit without arranging it first. Would I do it if we weren't going out? Not sure I'd have the nerve because, like I say, I'm never quite sure if I'm being unreasonable or not.

TheSecondComing - I'm fine with him going out when it's pre-arranged. I guess it does piss me off when he gets so drunk that he's a complete write-off at weekends, largely because he's not around at all during the week. But I don't make a huge deal about it.

AnyFucker - you might have a point, maybe i'm too concerned about being, well I wouldn't say a cool wife, but maybe a bit paranoid about not nagging. I did tell him I'd prefer it if he wasn't out but I suppose I draw the line and making him come home because I feel like it shouldn't take me insisting to make him want to come back

manicbmc Fri 11-Feb-11 21:56:30

Consider if the situation was reversed and you were the one working then going out drinking. What would his reaction be if you buggered off at the drop of a hat to go out regularly?

If you think he would be seriously pissed off then I'd say he needs telling.

manic - I'm sure if I were to ask him hypothetically he'd say he was fine with it. I'm sure he wouldn't be but the reality is that I work part-time (and often from home) and I'm the main carer. Because he works such long hours we'd never be in a position where I was out at work and then stayed out. Actually I'd love to go for the odd drink after work but there's no way he'd be back in time to look after the kids

BluddyMoFo Fri 11-Feb-11 22:02:23

How much 'co-parenting' actually needs doing on a friday night...surely they are in bed?

AnyFucker Fri 11-Feb-11 22:02:46

stand up for yourself

you are not a doormat are you ?

here are some glaring inequalities here...and you play along with them

yanbu

why the hell would you be ?

he gets more leisure time than you, yes ?

and "being the main carer" of children is not "leisure time" it's called parenting

he is slacking a bit in the parenting dept

AnyFucker Fri 11-Feb-11 22:04:10

Bluddy...if he is the one who gets to go out on the Friday nights while OP is "babysitting" do you think that is "co-parenting" ?

AnyFucker Fri 11-Feb-11 22:05:16

a bloke who works long hours should be prioritising his family time over drinking time with his buddies

it's obvious to me

manicbmc Fri 11-Feb-11 22:05:17

If you aren't happy about it then tell him that he needs to give you a bit of notice if he's going out. Used to really bug me when the ex did this (with him was all the time though).

He needs to show you the same respect you show him. I'm pretty sure you'd let him know if you were planning a night out without him.

Mumcentreplus Fri 11-Feb-11 22:05:22

Depends if it's something that happens regularly...I can be guilty of this myself and have also experienced it..you need to talk with him and tell him how you feel..you are not nagging you are expressing genuine and valid concerns, I bet if it was reversed he would not have a problem with telling you!

There is nothing wrong with coming to an agreement about behaviour and discussing comprimises etc ...this is what you do with your partner..communicate

I see what you're saying AnyFucker but there is another way to look at this which is that he works v long hours and has a stressful job but that job brings in a very good wage, which allows us to live in our nice house etc So, therefore, he would I imagine say that he deserves a drink out with his work colleagues when he fancies it.

But, of course, I also work v long hours, it's just that many of my hours are spent doing childcare, housework etc

I'm just trying to see it from both sides and not just go off on one when he gets in without thinking through his side of things.

AnyFucker Fri 11-Feb-11 22:07:05

with such young children, and the fact he appears incapable of not rendering himself a useless fuckwit the next day by not curbing the drinking, I would say once a month is too much

Mumcentreplus - thank you, that's v sensible advice.

And thanks Any Fucker and you other ladies of mumsnet - I'm actually going to go and have a bath and mull it all over

LovelyJudy Fri 11-Feb-11 22:09:01

blimey. you see, my dh does what you describe, and i've never thought it was unreasonable. it pisses me off, but i don't think he's in the least bit unusual. maybe that's not the point...

anyway, he will text me at least once a week and say 'i'm going for a pint' and about once a fortnight it will turn into a late one. i hate those ones. and the result is usually a hangover and deriliction of duty.

on the upside, i go out on planned dates with my friends far more often than he does, and get/take lots of daytime leisure at the weekends to do my own stuff.

so i feel that we get our own way equally, but in different ways. i don't know if he thinks i'm taking the piss. hope not.

AnyFucker Fri 11-Feb-11 22:09:02

it sounds like you give rather a lot of thought to his side of things

as does he < shrugs >

because he brings in more money, he gets to call the shots ?

is that what you are saying ?

pooka Fri 11-Feb-11 22:09:08

But you're kind of saying there that his paying job entitles him to more freedom in choosing to go out when he fancies. And that your equally important (in enabling him to work long hours and bring in a wage) job is not as significant, and that you don't deserve to go out when you fancy.

I would be pissed off personally. Agree with Anyfucker that evenings on your own as sole adult in charge are not true leisure time.

manicbmc Fri 11-Feb-11 22:09:26

I'd wait til he's sober before I said anything.

AnyFucker Fri 11-Feb-11 22:10:55

oh yes, agree

don't say anything tonight

total waste of time, that

Mumcentreplus Fri 11-Feb-11 22:12:38

I don't get rat-arsed but I have left to have a couple straight after work without agreeing it first and it was unfair...

BluddyMoFo Fri 11-Feb-11 22:15:55

HE isnt saying she doesnt deserve to go out...and she says if she wanted to go out he would be fine with it.

Just because she doesnt want to go out shouldnt mean he isnt allowed to. Come on now...if the roles were reversed you would be screamed control freak from the rooftops.

AnyFucker Fri 11-Feb-11 22:17:03

Bluddy...do you think I am a control freak because I demand respect in my relationship ?

Judy - see, that's what I mean, a lot of people do just think it's normal if not completely reasonable. Having said that, I don't generally get much of the daytime leisure time of a weekend either.

Pooka - I've never fully realised it but I guess I do, on some level, think that's true. Which is of course daft, if someone else were to say that to me about their own relationship I'd say exactly what you're saying but we don't always act rationally I suppose.

good point on the waiting til sober though. I actually don't feel angry this time, just a bit depressed by it really - so will leave it til tomorrow.

manicbmc Fri 11-Feb-11 22:23:24

Better to deal with it now while it's making you a bit down than leave it til it's making you seethe and resent him.

Bluddy - actually, he says he would be fine with it but in reality the situation would never arise as I've said because I'm the one who is at home the majority of the time. And if it did arise I don't think he would be fine with it. And I've also said that I would like to go out for a drink after work but, again, the opportunity just isn't there because of the hours DH works - I'm the only one who can, realistically, get back for the kids.

Changing2011 Fri 11-Feb-11 22:24:27

My DP is due back in 7 minutes Im not optimistic.

BluddyMoFo Fri 11-Feb-11 22:26:12

If its got you down then obviously its a problem to you Alice no matter what anyone else thinks...why not tell him HE has to arrange a babysitter for you to go out with your mates every other weekend or something - just to cover the time between you going out and him getting back from work. And then he can take over when he gets in while you go let your hair down.

It shouldnt have to be all or nothing on EITHER side.

Thanks BMoFo.

I really am off to have that bath now.

Changing - hope your DH turned up bang on time.

LoopyLoopsPoopaScoop Fri 11-Feb-11 22:46:23

Either put up with it, or tell him that you won't put up with it.

Personally, I would say something. Not stop him from going out, but arrange to go out myself.

Changing2011 Fri 11-Feb-11 22:47:44

Erm no he is not here I knew it. Oh well bed and chocolate for me.

spidookly Fri 11-Feb-11 22:55:02

YABU

Having a job doesn't mean you "deserve" to get drunk whenever you feel like it.

What a weird idea.

notremotelyintofootie Fri 11-Feb-11 23:05:38

Out of interest....

Where the dh is taking the piss and the dw has called them on it to get the old'i know I'm crap, I'll try harder etc etc' but then reverts to being a selfish twine again.... What can you do then except leave them? It's not like you can ground them like a kid....

Really interested as this is my problem.....

AnyFucker Fri 11-Feb-11 23:09:37

You won't want to hear my advice in that situation, NRIF sad

notremotelyintofootie Fri 11-Feb-11 23:14:29

I would anyfucker honest! I am at the end of the line here with 'd'h and I think he senses it but I need to build up an escape fund and so anything I can do to try and get him to behave like a grown up rather than a 15 year old would help!

notremotelyintofootie Fri 11-Feb-11 23:15:49

Of course if I could win the lottery and but two houses beside each other and pop him in one so he's close for dd but 'independent' that would be ideal.... grin

AnyFucker Fri 11-Feb-11 23:20:35

oh, are you the "house next door" poster ? smile

I can only tell you what I would do

if I was being constantly undermined and made to feel my wishes were not being respected he would be gone

I would give up trying to "make" him behave like anything...that isn't your responsibility

If he wants to behave like a 15yo then he can't sustain a grown-up relationship

borrow some money from family...and make the "escape fund" more of an "I am out of here right now" pot of money

Mumcentreplus Fri 11-Feb-11 23:22:09

Well I went through this situation with my DH he was a Night-club Security manager..he would sleep all day and be out all night and then he would have the gall to go for more drinks with friends after work...(work finished at 5am) so he's rolling in at 10am...I was really in despair at times...you don't want to keep going on but FFS...they are taking the piss and they know it!...if you put up with it ..then it will become your life...I sat him down, on a day off and I talked to him..I told him how I felt..how he was acting..that he was not single and I was his wife that I was home with 2 children under 5 and he was playing jack the lad..yes I understand his need to relax and be with friends..but imgine what it was like for me..bluddy hell this is long...be honest to a fault,don't hold back and if he really cares for you he will see he's hurting you and things will change..if not you have to walk for your own sanity

notremotelyintofootie Fri 11-Feb-11 23:30:36

No I wasn't the house next door poster but it struck a cord with me......

Unfortunately no money in the family.... My mum is so tight she made me buy my own clothes etc from when I got a paper round at 13! &#58383;

AnyFucker Fri 11-Feb-11 23:35:16

ok, take the money out of it then

why won't he leave ?

AnyFucker Fri 11-Feb-11 23:35:36

have you told him to ?

notremotelyintofootie Fri 11-Feb-11 23:40:49

He doesn't think we have a problem... He likes his life and doesn't want to leave dd... If he was less selfish we would be fine tbh.... Just need him to do that!

AnyFucker Fri 11-Feb-11 23:43:40

I don't know all your story, NRIF, have you posted about this before ?

Perhas you could start a thread in relationships and get some balanced views ? You won't get them from me, I am afraid

Your situation sounds unfortunaely rather common..you will get good support if you started a thread, say tomorrow afternoon

notremotelyintofootie Fri 11-Feb-11 23:45:17

Thanks yeah I have and am working on a few bits! Sleep now before dd wakes again! Night all....

AnyFucker Fri 11-Feb-11 23:46:35

Night NRIF...come back to this, won't you ?

Mumcentreplus Fri 11-Feb-11 23:48:33

night NRIF..

FabbyChic Fri 11-Feb-11 23:53:04

There has to be give and take in any relationship, whilst I understand that he works lone hours and should be able to have some respite, what about your respite?

Can you do something yourself with your friends on a night when your husband gets home early enough?

A relationship is two people pulling together, not one going in one direction and the other in another.

You should have told him you were disappointed that your plans for the weekend were changing and that because they were changing you would prefer he came home.

If you don't tell him how will he know? He will just assume it is okay, you cannot complain he is out later when you said it was okay.

If it was not okay then you should have said something.

butterpieify Sat 12-Feb-11 11:56:29

I get this. It is ridiculous, and the main thing that me and DH argue about. It is just the sheer inconsideration of it - no idea that I might be tired, or ill, or need to go to the shops, or maybe just want an adult to chat to after a day with the kids.

I have had to decide not to take prescribed medication as it makes me drowsy and I can't rely on DH to be sober enough to get up in the night if the kids need it. If I had warning, I could plan, but he just buggers off to the pub, asking if he can nip out for a quick pint, then always, without fail, finds a friend who has just split up with wife/old man with nobody to celebrate birthday/gang of scary chavs who force him to join thier quiz team and scare him into drinking ten pints/an article about divorce in the paper with reminds him of his ex wife from five years ago so he can't cope with coming home/a barmaid who is being harassed and needs his help/etc...

He goes weeks without doing it, then does it three times in one week, and when I ask him not to do it, he acts like I'm not letting him leave the house , and that I am some kind of harridan for not relising that he needs to help the old man/barmaid/whoever.

Its like he always has an exceptional circumstance. Of course he works so anything I say is ridiculous - never mind that I work part time, and look after the kids, and actually if I was employed by someone else I would have a sick note atm.

It's just the lack of respect. It's like when teenagers lie to their parents and then laugh at how stupid the parents are for going along with it. I don't doubt that the old man/whoever exists, but if I found them, I would do what I could, but remember that my first responsibility is to my family. Plus DH is a massive drama queen so I am sure he exaggerates. Then he will only talk about it in front of other people and I don't like to argue in public, so I let it lie. Grr @ myself.

AnyFucker Sat 12-Feb-11 12:17:58

a barmaid who is being harassed and needs his help/etc...

really ?

a sucker for damsels in distress, is he ? hmm

grr@you too

you are being a doormat

Butterpieify - it's so frustrating isn't it. Also, DH always forgets how often it happens. He just won't believe me when I remind him that he did the same thing 3 weeks ago.

Anyway, the update is that DH got back at around 11.30, which as he points out, isn't that late. I talked to him about it this morning but he just doesn't get why I would have a problem with it. I told him that I just think it's incredibly thoughtless to not bother telling me he's going out and then just keep moving the boundaries: just going for a quick drink then, back by 9, then back by bedtime, then 'oh well I didn't stay out late I was back in by 11.30 all the other people I was with were...'.

His response to me finding it rude that he doesn't give me any warning is "why because you need entertaining?" He truly doesn't see it as a problem. And I just find when I start having these conversations my resolve just weakens because he sounds so reasonable about it and makes me feel like I'm being a miserable nag.

AnyFucker Sat 12-Feb-11 12:27:58

yep, he's done a good number on you

are you going out this evening then, at the last minute ?

then phone at 11pm to say you are going on to a club and "don't wait up" ?

well no because (a) we've got a babysitter booked and we're meant to be going together to a gig (b) I don't know who I'd go out with at this notice (c) it feels a bit childish.

Thing is I find just thinking about it really gets me down and I don't know why, it's like another poster said I should just either do the same thing back to him or accept it and get on with my life but the fact that he can't see my point of view really depresses me, partly because it makes me wonder if i'm overreacting (which was the point of posting here).

BTW to FabbyChic I did tell him that I was disappointed about the weekend and that I'd prefer it if he came home. I didn't 'insist' that he came home or give him 'permission' to stay out because I'm not his mum and I feel he ought to take responsibility for his own actions rather than always having me as a get-out clause

prettymuchapixiegirl Sat 12-Feb-11 12:59:08

I used to feel like the default setting for childcare in our house, and in the end I got so fed up with it that I started playing DH at his own game, and things have improved a lot now.

DH was doing his hobbies often all day Saturday most Saturdays, sometimes part of Sunday too, a couple of evenings most weeks, and then nights out too, sometimes staying away in a hotel if it was a night out in a town a distance away.

Eventually I said to him that it was unfair and if he continued doing what he liked, when he liked, then I would do the same and just assume that he would be on hand to care for the children whenever I fancied going out. So now I go out a couple of nights per week to the gym, or sometimes to the cinema with friends, and at weekends I do as I please at the drop of a hat. For example a friend phoned me up today and asked if I want to go out for something to eat tonight and I didn't hesitate in saying "yes". I will make sure I go out early enough to ensure DH has to make tea for the kids and bath them. Sometimes as weekends I just go and sit upstairs on my bed and read a book, leaving DH to sort the children out. So in other words, I act like a man!

I have to say, he is getting more considerate about me and is now starting to ask if I have plans before he arranges anything, and he also has reduced drastically the amount of time he spends on his hobbies.

pixie - that's really inspiring, seriously. I actually think I will give it a go, even if it's just going upstairs and reading of a weekend or something.

RedHeels Sat 12-Feb-11 14:53:00

OK, he prefers to spend his free time with other people than you.

He knows it and is letting you know about it: "why because you need entertaining?"

What a cheek? And somehow you don't sound offended by this sentence?

Sorry, OP but you must like it. Or you know what would happen if you told him to stuff it and you don't want to be alone.

RedHeels Sat 12-Feb-11 14:54:47

And by saying it'd be childish going out last minute and leaving him to it with no warning you are admitting that his behaviour is childish. So why you even need to ask if YABU?
So OK for him to behave like this but not for you? Why? Is he special?

Honeybee79 Sat 12-Feb-11 15:01:59

Yeah, he's taking the piss. You need to make it clear that you're not going to take it though.

Life changes when you have kids and he needs to accept that. Have a serious chat with him.

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