My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

AIBU?

To feel so lonely right now?.

19 replies

pinkcherrybloom · 09/02/2011 20:49

We have two children,and I have a dp who I have known nearly twenty years and we are at the end of the road right now,I am feeling very sad right now as I realise he is not going to marry me,and we never laugh or spend any time together anymore,I dont even like him much right now as he is not the man I fell in love with.

He has his own business so works long hours,I except he goes out twice a week whilst im at home being a single mum as he is never here,we never go out and hardly spend time as a family

When he is he is tired and comes home,eat,showers and goes to bed,I just sleep in the kids room now as Im tired and feel like giving up on us.

I told him tonight where is our future going? as I can not spend my life doing this anymore and being alone, this I feel was never part of the deal and im so lonely and unhappy.

OP posts:
Report
FabbyChic · 09/02/2011 20:51

Im sorry you are feeling so lonely. It is sad when relationships become stale, but you could change that by making time for each other spending time together.

Are there any feelings left? if so then you have to work at it to make things better.

Nothing ever just happens after twenty years things would get a bit stale.

Have a couple of hugs.

Report
WimpleOfTheBallet · 09/02/2011 20:56

Sorry you're so sad...have you asked him to go for councelling?

Report
veganette · 09/02/2011 20:59

I am sorry to hear you are feeling so low pinkcherry, agree with Wimple that counselling might be an option, before you call it quits?

Would spending some time together just the two of you help - maybe a night out, or a weekend away, even? That can work wonders.

Hope you work things outxx

Report
defineme · 09/02/2011 21:01

What was his response?
Absolutely normal to feel alone in this situation.
Gather up your support group-make sure your real life friends know you need support-people aren't mind readers.
If he's willing and you are, then sign up for relate.

Report
pinkcherrybloom · 09/02/2011 21:03

Maybe thats what we need time together,all I think of is the children its never me for him its work,maybe thats what we need.

Have not considered counselling it could be an option,im scared of that,dont know why?.

OP posts:
Report
AgentZigzag · 09/02/2011 21:03

That's really shit Sad

How did he react when you talked tonight?

I'm guessing not very well because you still feel the same.

Report
AgentZigzag · 09/02/2011 21:05

Could you be scared of counselling because if it doesn't solve anything you'd be running out of options to sort your problem?

Scared of what you might hear as well?

Report
pinkcherrybloom · 09/02/2011 21:06

He was going out tonight defineme,not sure what he thinks tbh,as I blurbed it all out tonight as he was leaving.

I have not many friends in rl,not enough to want to share this with ,I would not feel comfortable with discussing this,this is why I have turned to mumsnetters.

OP posts:
Report
pinkcherrybloom · 09/02/2011 21:07

I have recently fallen out with parents for mainly being uncaring and unloving ,and I do push people away when I feel threatened.

OP posts:
Report
AgentZigzag · 09/02/2011 21:16

I push people away as well pink, to protect myself mainly.

Could you sort a better time for you both to talk about it?

One where you both know it's coming up and can think about what you want to say beforehand?

You sound like you could do with 'reconnecting' with each other.

Report
defineme · 09/02/2011 21:17

Could both of you be feeling lonely? Is his response to you saying therte is a problem to work long hours/go out?

You need to talk and talk some more. Get someone to look after the kids. Avoid the language of blame and talk it out.

Report
pinkcherrybloom · 09/02/2011 21:20

Sounds like we are the same agentzigzigGrin,have arranged a babysitter for Saturday maybe we should do something?.

I am rubbish at pointing my point across,I cannot argue or communicate ,so back down and normally walk of or give up.

OP posts:
Report
pinkcherrybloom · 09/02/2011 21:23

Defineme he asks me to put myself in his postion working long hours,being tired etc.

I argue you can go out twice a week with friends so can let of steam,he comes home im tired he will stay up till 12pm whilst im trying to sleep after taking care of the kids and working,asks him to piut himself in my shoes.

OP posts:
Report
FabbyChic · 09/02/2011 21:27

Sounds like you need to sit down with him and tell him how unhappy you are, maybe he just doesn't know, men rarely see what is right in front of them.

YOu need an outlet too, maybe you could join a group one evening a week to do something for you rather than just being a mother?

Report
AgentZigzag · 09/02/2011 21:29

I'm busy saturday - sos Grin

Write out a bullet point list of what's bothering you, then cross off the one's that relatively aren't important in the scheme of things, and the ones you can sort by yourself.

That should give you something essential.

I always measure whether something's a problem by whether it's been bothering me for a while and I keep thinking about it.

My DH isn't shit hot at listening to things he doens't want to hear and not raising his voice defensively (which used to make me raise mine - cue huge argument).

Now I keep my voice low and not snipey, and on one occasion I actually recorded it on my phone Grin so when the recriminations came 'Well you started shouting' I could 'tada!' it and prove my point Grin

Just don't let it develop into an argument, or any kind of blame game.

Easier said than done though.

Report
defineme · 09/02/2011 21:30

So you can talk on Saturday?
Can you think about what you want to say and then think about how to say it....Remember to start with the 'I feel like..... when you do.......' rather than the 'You are a selfish ***' however true that may be.

What do you want to happen?Can you think of practrical suggestions and then be prepared to compromise?

Can his lifebe adjusted?Can you go out with him too to whatever he's doing-can you do reciprocol babysits with school run parents/friends to ensure that? Can you nominate nights that are yours as a couple- no work?

Do you need to get more stuff going on too?Do you have alife? Not being rude-just tryimnmg to be helpful-I know I need my syuff to do as well as couple stuff.

Report
pinkcherrybloom · 09/02/2011 21:31

Thanks for your advice x,I feel bad that we have neglected one another, and I have especially neglected myself and my needs.

OP posts:
Report
FabbyChic · 09/02/2011 21:33

Its easy to let the days pass into weeks, then before you know it years have gone by.

Do something for you too, if he goes out why don't you find something you want to do, you dont have to go to the pub but you could join an evening class of some sort to widen your horizons as it were meet new people, have something to do your hair for and put your face on!

Leave him hone babysitting! You do it enough.

Report
pinkcherrybloom · 09/02/2011 21:36

Yes we can talk Saturday,I will try and think about what I can say and put ideas as to what we can do, to spend quality time together.

Yes I need a life its hard as I dont have one right now ,its hard with his hours,so I need to find a babysitter and arrange some me time.

OP posts:
Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.