To want my Dh to want me!?

[threecurrantbuns]

Ok so weve had three dc in a short space of time and there has been a drought in the affection/sex department.

I am mostly to blame for this as i just completely lost interest and had no libido nor did i even want to be touched.

I found it hard to deal with at times and hard to understand, but put it down to hormones, tiredness, Bfeeding etc etc

It has come up occasionally over the last few years during discussions/arguments i explained my feelings the best i could and although dh has to found it confusing and hard came to accept things had changed (i had a previously high sex drive and was affectionate) I have to add he has never put me under pressure or anything but it has been hard as i too have found it difficult to understand why my libido dissapeared.

My dc3 is 11mth old and my periods retuened three months ago and i have started to begin to feel back to myself, affectionate and libido has definately returned.

Prob is me and dh have ahem a few times but only when ive instigated and i mean alot of instigation, i have explained to dh that after looking into thing realised bf may have played a big part in my libido and i now am started to feel 'normal' again...long converation so wont go on but you get the picture i hope!?

Obviously i understand dh cant just switch it back on but i find myself yurning for him to intigate sex or touch me but he doesnt or if he does he says something like, do you want a cuddle' It makes me feel upset i just want him to really want me and just go for it not ask me

[MorticiaAddams]

It sounds as though he wants the affection because of previous conversations you've had and may be unintentionally punishing you, He may not even know he is doing this.

I think you have to take it slow and make time together for cuddles, perhaps a nice meal when kids gone to bed and keep at it.

Just be patient.

[IAmTheCookieMonster]

he just needs to get used to you accepting any advances, he has been "rejected" for a long time and is afraid of instigating anything.

You should do all the instigating to show him that your libido has returned and he will gradually begin to regain his confidence :-)

[kepler10b]

well i guess now you know how he felt.....

[lazarusb]

Give it time, regain the intimacy and frequency slowly. Your dh has acted towards you in a sensitive way, not putting pressure on etc. so just keep letting him know (gently) that you are ready again and he will soon respond I'm sure.

[thefurryone]

Agree with cookiemonster, he's not going to be able to break the pattern he's now in over night, but if you carry on instigating then eventually he'll get the message that it's going to be ok for him to do so as well. So YANBU but probably not a problem that can be solved overnight or just through talking about it, although good sign that you can talk about it together.

[threecurrantbuns]

Thanks everyone for your replys, i def dont think he is punishing me not even subconciously...just not his way.

cookiemonster You are completely right he is worried about instigating things, think partly because he doesnt want me to feel under pressure and also as he is, quite rightly, not sure whether to or not.

I get it, i really do, but have explained to him that i would love it if he wants to, to instigate something. But must be very hard for him to do so givent he past. I do need to give it time just impatiently want us to be close again.

kepler I definately know how he feels/felt tbh i always have since my libido dwindled, as we have both discussed our feelings.

But i did my best to reassure him of why etc and also really believe it was out of my control...i almost felt like there was something wrong with me. Then i started to search on MN and discovered alot of talk about bf and libido etc. I have either been pregnant or bfeeding for alot of the past 5yrs! So i hoping that, pregnancy, tiredness and hormones were the reasons. I was like in my head i wanted a switch to change me back to wanting the affection/sex but it just wasnt there.

There were odd timeS obviously...more children arrived

I feel awful about how rejected and hurt he must have felt at times and tried to reassure him the best i could but i am not someone that can just 'do it' IYSWIM. (Im also sure my dh would have never wanted me too either.