To be annoyed at SIL

[Ieattoomuchcake]

DH and I are attending a wedding at the start of April.
The wedding invite basically that they would prefer no children, but to let the couple know if this would preclude us attending.

DD will be 11mo at the time (9 if you take into account that she was prem). She is BF so will probably still be reliant on me.

The wedding is down beside DHs sister, and the other end of the country to where we live.
DH phoned his sister to say we were coming to the wedding and she immediately offered to come to the venue and take care of DD, so I could just nip out and feed her or whatever as necessary. On this basis we accepted the invitation, booked flights and hotel etc.

She has now told us that something else has come up so she might be able to take care of DD from about 7-8pm but no earlier.

I think that's the whole story. I'm just annoyed now as either we lose money on flights and miss out on the wedding, ask the couple if we can bring DD (which I'd prefer not to do as I think it's their right to not want her there). Or it's one of DHs friends so I could lurk around with DD and let him attend the wedding, nipping out to see us from time to time...

[onepieceoflollipop]

It's disappointing that your dh's sister has let you down, but I think you are right in not asking the bride and groom to make an exception.

In your situation I would probably go as planned, but in the day just your dh go. Then from 7-8pm sil can babysit for you and you can have a great time in the evening.

I would send a brief letter/e-mail to the bride and groom explaining the situation, but not making a big deal of the situation with your dd in case it looks like you are hinting for them to change their minds.

Focus on how much you will enjoy celebrating in the evening with them. :)

I don't think you should be loitering round the actual day part of the celebrations or be near enough for your dh to keep popping in and out as this may look like you are making a point of dd not being invited.

[Snuppeline]

Why don't you explain the situation to the couple and ask how they would feel about your dd being there until your SIL can get there to get her. She will need naps etc so wont be around people all the time. If she's a fairly easy going baby I can't think it will be a problem. In church just sit by the exit and leave if she kicks up a fuss. Same thing later on before your SIL picks her up. Its right of you to ask the couple though as you rightly point out it is there day. If they honestly say they'd rather not have your dd there can you rearrange the flight for a later date. Perhaps to see your SIL and this couple after their wedding? Or just change the flights for a different destination that you and your hubby would like to go to on your own with your dd! I know there are penalties involved with changing flights but could be done.

[Ieattoomuchcake]

Thanks for replying guys.
It does make sense that I shouldn't be hanging too closely around the wedding as yes it might look like I'm making a statement.
I'll drop the couple a note as suggested.

I'm just really p'd off that DHs sister offered without being asked and made a big song and dance of how she would block off her diary and is now all like 'oh I suppose I could come over later...'

If I say I'll do something I always stick to it unless there's a really good reason. And if I had to let somebody down I would be so apologetic.

[bubblewrapped]

If the invite says they would "prefer no children" then that may mean they are sympathetic to people with very young ones. The main issue with children is to avoid having toddlers and above running around, as many venues have a no-children policy for that reason as a health and safety issue.

As your child will not be running about, they will probably be fine about it if you ask them.

[rookiemater]

Your DD would probably sleep in a buggy, seems a shame for you to miss out on the evening do if that is the case. If the bride to be has no children then probably doesn't know implications so it may be worth speaking to her.

But yes YANBU to be annoyed at someone committing to something then pulling out

[mrswantstobeamum]

YANBU...but could you ask your SIL to help you find a trustworthy local babysitter to look after DD until SIL can take over? That would allow you to attend everything as you had planned, and it seems like the least your SIL could do.

[brass]

I think you're over thinking this.

If they're expecting you to attend overseas including flights hotel etc then they should accept you're bringing your DD (not least because she was preemie and still being BF).

It's too big an ask otherwise.

[Chatelaine]

I agree with onepieceoflollipop and then enjoy the evening together with SIL taking care of DD.

[brass]

That's right travel all that way at cost, get dressed up and maybe if you're lucky you'll manage to actually participate for a couple of hours in the evening. Lucky you.

[Ieattoomuchcake]

Oh well after all that my long suffering mil has come through for us.
She is going to go down to visit sil the weekend of the wedding and take care of dd on the wedding day for us.
Bless her.

[Lonnie]

What a wonderful MIL I am pleased you have got it sorted out.