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AIBU?

To be so mad/disappointed with my husband?

96 replies

Maria101 · 31/01/2011 22:09

OK, so this is a bit of an essay, but I have a 7-month-old daughter and am on maternity leave. I have an amazing NCT group and from the start, four of us started to see each other several times a week. Before I had my daughter I had a very fun job, and found being at home with her in the early weeks quite lonely. But once it settled down, I started meeting up with my NCT friends regularly and started to really love motherhood. We go for breakfast, coffee, walks, trips into town etc. On the days I don't see them, I try to do other stuff, like visiting my mum or mother-in-law. My daughter loves being out and seeing people, and so do I. On a different (but related!) topic, I've also spent lots of my maternity leave doing freelance work to bring in extra money (my type of job allows for this). This started just two weeks after giving birth. I often work in the evenings when she's gone to bed, and at weekends. So yes, I'm having a lovely maternity leave but I'm also bringing in money too. Tonight my husband - who often makes digs about my 'cushy' maternity leave - came home and asked me what I'd done that day. I told him I'd had breakfast with the girls (which I pay for myself) and then we'd gone back to one of their houses for coffee and the babies played. He made a snidy dig about how often I go out and how 'every day seems like a holiday'. While I love my baby, it's still hard work. I take care of her from the moment she gets up until she goes to bed. Then I start on other chores, like cooking, housework, life admin etc. For example, when my husband was saying all this, I was making our dinner, as well as boiling up some weaning food. This was after I'd put her to bed and put three lots of washing on. So yes, I have a lovely time with my NCT friends, but I'm taking care of her non-stop, planning my life around hers, and doing all the other crap that goes with running a household. My life is far from cushy. I was also angry because I pay for all these coffes/breakfasts/petrol to take our daughter to see his mother (who I really like, but still) myself. I only pay slightly less than him into the household account (I use my savings) and I pay for lots of the baby stuff (clothes, trips out) myself. I was absolutely furious with him, and things descended into a horrible shouting match. I called him tight (he really is), joyless and mean. He told me he was only still here because of our daughter and that I go out too much and spend too much. But it's my money! And I have savings, and never ask him for anything. I hate to say it, but I'm falling out of love with him day by day. I also resent him for the way he behaved in the early weeks after her birth - playing cricket all day Saturday every weekend (he's the manager). Just 12 days after giving birth I drove him and our baby to his parent's house because he was playing a game near their house. He left me with them all day, and went drinking afterwards, so I had to drive home with an epsiotomy wound and a screaming, hungry baby in the back of the car. When his mum told me - a month or so later - that she thought he'd behaved badly, I confronted him about it and to his credit he apologised. But I wish he wouldn't do it in the first place. Before we had our baby, he was always a bit selfish, but since she's been born it seems to have got worse. But my father left home when I was a child, and I'd hate for my daughter to grow up with divorced parents like I did. But I'm just so angry with him and don't know what to do or where to turn. I don't like discussing him with my friends, because I don't want them to think badly of him. What on earth should I do?

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WimpleOfTheBallet · 31/01/2011 22:12

OK, so this is a bit of an essay, but I have a 7-month-old daughter and am on maternity leave. I have an amazing NCT group and from the start, four of us started to see each other several times a week.

Before I had my daughter I had a very fun job, and found being at home with her in the early weeks quite lonely. But once it settled down, I started meeting up with my NCT friends regularly and started to really love motherhood. We go for breakfast, coffee, walks, trips into town etc. On the days I don't see them, I try to do other stuff, like visiting my mum or mother-in-law.

My daughter loves being out and seeing people, and so do I. On a different (but related!) topic, I've also spent lots of my maternity leave doing freelance work to bring in extra money (my type of job allows for this). This started just two weeks after giving birth.

I often work in the evenings when she's gone to bed, and at weekends. So yes, I'm having a lovely maternity leave but I'm also bringing in money too.

Tonight my husband - who often makes digs about my 'cushy' maternity leave - came home and asked me what I'd done that day. I told him I'd had breakfast with the girls (which I pay for myself) and then we'd gone back to one of their houses for coffee and the babies played.

He made a snidy dig about how often I go out and how 'every day seems like a holiday'. While I love my baby, it's still hard work. I take care of her from the moment she gets up until she goes to bed. Then I start on other chores, like cooking, housework, life admin etc.

For example, when my husband was saying all this, I was making our dinner, as well as boiling up some weaning food. This was after I'd put her to bed and put three lots of washing on.

So yes, I have a lovely time with my NCT friends, but I'm taking care of her non-stop, planning my life around hers, and doing all the other crap that goes with running a household.

My life is far from cushy. I was also angry because I pay for all these coffes/breakfasts/petrol to take our daughter to see his mother (who I really like, but still) myself. I only pay slightly less than him into the household account (I use my savings) and I pay for lots of the baby stuff (clothes, trips out) myself. I was absolutely furious with him, and things descended into a horrible shouting match.

I called him tight (he really is), joyless and mean. He told me he was only still here because of our daughter and that I go out too much and spend too much. But it's my money! And I have savings, and never ask him for anything. I hate to say it, but I'm falling out of love with him day by day.

I also resent him for the way he behaved in the early weeks after her birth - playing cricket all day Saturday every weekend (he's the manager). Just 12 days after giving birth I drove him and our baby to his parent's house because he was playing a game near their house. He left me with them all day, and went drinking afterwards, so I had to drive home with an epsiotomy wound and a screaming, hungry baby in the back of the car.

When his mum told me - a month or so later - that she thought he'd behaved badly, I confronted him about it and to his credit he apologised. But I wish he wouldn't do it in the first place. Before we had our baby, he was always a bit selfish, but since she's been born it seems to have got worse.
But my father left home when I was a child, and I'd hate for my daughter to grow up with divorced parents like I did.

But I'm just so angry with him and don't know what to do or where to turn. I don't like discussing him with my friends, because I don't want them to think badly of him. What on earth should I do?