to think a couple of hours a week with irritating MIL is enough?

[littlebbd75]

Throughout my pregnancy I got a major sense that my BF's parents saw me as an incubator for their unborn grandchild, I have never felt part of their family in the way that BF is a part of mine. I knew that once the baby was here it was going to be tough but not quite this tough. The emotional blackmail has already begun - little one is not even three weeks old and when we visited this weekend, MIL was given a cuddle with her at which point she starts to talking to baby with 'you're going to come and visit me all the time, and sometimes without your parents'... I ask you, trying to emotionally blackmail through a newborn! She also reeled off the number of hours she has spent with the baby since birth as if to make us guilty. Then, she telephoned a friend of hers neither I nor BF had ever met to come and meet the baby at which point she promptly hands my daughter over to a stranger for a cuddle even though I had already asked for her not to be passed around as she was asleep. She does not respect my position as my child's mother and I can't bear to spend a minute with her, particularly until she can respect this boundary and also understand that I have my own family that I need to spend time with. I feel terrible as this sounds silly when I write this down (obviously these are just a couple of examples from a catalogue of irritations) but its upsetting me to the point that its keeping me up at night, and I've even had silly thoughts of leaving the BF, who I love very much just so I don't have to spend time with this woman!! I am finding it so hard to have this woman behaving as if she is the mother of my child and trying to force herself upon us all the time. To top it off, we registered baby in BF's name this week and MIL carries on like she is now part of a club that I, her mother is not in, and I am devastated and wished I had named her my surname. Help - anyone got any advice for a way to set some ground rules with MIL or also feeling a bit panicked at the thought of a lifetime ahead of a MIL in their lives they don't like?

[tiktok]

Sounds really stressful - the major thing that stands out beyond the irritations is the passing of the baby to a stranger to cuddle, in defiance of your wishes, and without (genuinely) asking permission. Very wrong.

Your partner should be telling her not to do this - being firm about this sort of thing helps to establish boundaries, and shows you and your partner are united about whose baby she is!

What has your partner said or done?

If 'nothing' then you need to insist.

[gordyslovesheep]

I think you are over reacting

[FreudianSlippery]

What does your boyfriend think of all this? I hope he's sticking up for you.

If baby's only 3 weeks, maybe you can reregister? Not sure how ir works legally but you could phone up. She could have your name, or you could double-barrel? (DH and I did this with DD, she was born before we were married, and then when we married we double-barrelled too)

Maybe if you tell you BF this he'll realise how upset you are.

[Louii]

Your partner needs to tell her to back off.
Does he know how she is making you feel?

You need to toughen up though as well, if you don't want her passing your baby to strangers then don't let her.

I don't think you are over reacting at all.

[Louii]

Also meant to say congratulations, don't let her ruin this special time for you.

[bringbacksideburns]

I can't read where she has done anything horrendously bad? She wanted to show her grandchild off to a friend? She sounds just caught up in the excitement and is not listening to you.

You do sound extra sensitive at the moment. You have a very new baby and little annoyances magnify.

[littlebbd75]

Unfortunatley after this visit I couldn't keep my feelings in check, so I did talk to my partner about it - I had been trying to protect his feelings before that, she is his mother after all, but I have asked him to speak to her about it and he did agree that she was out of line. Time spent with her is just a bit of an endurance test, I work for a toy company and this weekend she bought little one a toy from another a toy company, which is no problem at all, but really didn't need to be accompanied with a comment in the baby's ear of ' better than all that stuff your mum gets you' just loud enough for me to hear. Its just hard work and I really don't want to get confrontational about things but you're right would like BF to put his foot down with her too, then we will all know what to expect and where the line is drawn. I can see she is trying to compete with my mum who I am very close to,but she is going about it the wrong way, so trying not to over react and sooner that we get that straight hopefully the less damage will be done. Thanks Tiktok

[mrsscoob]

aww i don't know, maybe try and see it from her point of view a little, yeah she is your daughter but she is also your MIL grandaughter and she is excited! I can kind of understand why she wanted her friend to meet her, she just wanted to show her off. I do understand where you are coming from, I had a similar experience when mine were small with ex MIL but she backed off after a few months and then became very useful as a babysitter when we needed it!

[kreecherlivesupstairs]

Tell you MiL to fuck off, or don't go to see her, or let your BF take your DC.
So many options, how old are you?

[anonacfr]

Things like that can really get to you. I understand grandparents being possessive but there is clearly no need for snide comments.
My MIL didn't even get to see her grandchildren until they were a few months old!

It can be specially stressful when baby is so little and you're still bonding with her yourself.
Glad to hear your boyfriend understands how you feel!

[littlebbd75]

Thanks Louii, much appreciated, its good to get others perspective on it as I'm sure hormones are at play too. I really want to feel delighted for my little one that she has two families keen to be there for her and feel terrible to put BF in an awkward position with his parents. I'll try and be more firm with establshing boundaries!

[curlymama]

If Op is feeling extra sensitive, as most of us do when we have a newborn, that's all the more reason why the MIL should be thinking of that and back off! And why the bf should be sticking up for the mother of his baby.

Little, you haven't said what your bf's reaction is, but I think it makes a big difference.

You are not obliged to let MIL have her way and do what she wants with your baby. If bf is not sticking up for you, you need to do it yourself. Remember that MIL needs you more than you need her if she wants to spend time with her gc. So next time she does something you don't like, tell her! Just say 'actually I'd prefer it if you didn't do that' in a polite but firm way.

You have nothing to lose, it's not as if she's treating you well atm. If you piss her off in some way she is likely to say something that you can openly object to with your bf, and that gives you the perfect excuse to take back control.

[tiktok]

One way to react to comments like the one about the toy is to say, in a sort of amused way, 'Gosh, MIL....that sounded rude. Did you intend it to be?'

If she says, 'I was just joking!' you can say, 'pleased to hear it...but I'm not laughing!'. If you keep your tone light and smilely, and then change the subject, she'll get the message.

[Dropdeadfred]

I don't see my MIL unless with my DH..thats a rule I brought in after annoying behaviour such as you have mentioned and her denying saying particularly nasty things..she knows now that she has to arrange vists with DH as I will never be available alone

[LittleMissHissyFit]

What is stopping YOU from saying something?

YOU need to speak up for yourself and your baby. A comment like that about the Toys shows her in her worst colours.

If nothing else remind her of her manners. "Excuse me? That's MY JOB you are talking about!" and "How Rude!"

You also need to say that of course you don't mind her wanting to show off her new GS, but it's normal protocol/manners to ask the mother that it's OK.

Even my own mother would ask to hold my son. You'd ask to have a look at someone's iPhone, gadget, or new purchase wouldn't you, why would someone not ask if it was OK to hold your baby?

If she makes snide comments, call her out on it, every. time. This is between YOU and HER. Remind her that you don't HAVE to come and see anyone if you don't want to.

She will not learn to respect you unless you make a stand. I mean this.

You are now a mother, now is the time to become a matriarch. Not easy, but you need to do it one step at a time.

I think you ought to go back to the Register office and have your name included btw, I did the same with our DS and I regret it every day.

[littlebbd75]

I love it Kreecher, that is definitely how I feel sometimes - particularly at 35 I should be more assertive - I always was at work and suddenly am lettings things get to me!
anona, that's totally right, I just feel that I need time to spend myself with my baby - she was taken to SCBU so I wasn't in a fit state to see her for the first 24 hours so feel ridiculously protective over her still. I didn't mind the friend holding her, but just really felt that I should have been asked first - it wasn't her place to do so without asking me.

[CrapBag]

She does sound like a pita, I think. Obviously you haven't put in every little comment she has made but I suspect there are many more.

Start as you mean to go on and be firm. Lay down the boundaries now otherwise she will carry on and walk all over you. YOU are your DDs mother, not her. What you say goes, not what she says. Ignore her silly little comments or come back with a little comment of your own. If you do it enough, maybe she will back off. As you don't say anything now, she may think she can walk all over you. Don't shield your DP from anything. Tell him straight how it makes you feel and get him to make it plain to his mother that she is out of line and it has to stop. Who cares if other people think you are overreacting? You are justified to feel however you want.

If the name thing comes up again, just point out that you are the mother, whether you have the same name or not and a name doesn't mean anything.

[Vallhala]

The only thing which would irk me is the baby being picked up when I'd asked people not to do so. Other than that you're over-reacting on the strength of your OP.

A very dear friend was having a chat with his newborn great-niece recently, telling her that he was going to take her to his favourite restaurant, to the cinema etc etc when she is bigger. He wasn't trying to emotionally blackmail his niece and her DH or offend, he was just chatting to the babe. These things are just the daft stuff you rattle off to a child who is not yet old enough to communicate with you, hopes and silly pipe dreams and promises for the future. Most close family members like to dreamily look ahead to the time when the babe is a real personality and they can share experiences with them. No big deal AFAIAC.

Add to that the fact that you are lucky that your child has 2 sets of caring and interested grandparents and this woman,, whose children aren't so lucky, thinks you have it made. Remember too that you might be grateful for MIL to have the babe one day when you are ill/have an appointment/need a break/want a night out!

[LittleMissHissyFit]

FWIW, if you register the baby in BF name, and you and your DC want to travel without BF, you may get asked questions.

I ought to have registered my DS in MY name, IF I'd have got married, I'd have been able to change his name automatically. As it is, I am now referring to DS by my surname, gathering evidence so that I can legitimately get a passport produced in my surname, but I'll never be able to change his birth certificate.

Go back to the Register Office and at least double barrell your surnames.

Your BF and his family are getting all the benefits of having a family with no real legitimate commitment

[LittleMissHissyFit]

double-barrel, sorry

[littlebbd75]

I know you're right Littlemiss and Crapbag, its just trying to do things diplomatically but assertively if I can - and hearing it from you guys removed from the situation makes me know I need to be firm. Sorry to hear you also had the same experience with naming Littlemiss, I had doubts before we went to the registry and spoke to BF but he told me I was being silly, that I would always be her mummy etc and I love him to pieces so I went along with it. I do wish I had put my foot down and double-barreled. Will have another chat to BF and try and talk it through.

[fannybaws]

Hi OP you are me three years ago, and I do remember how upsetting I found it.
When we have our babies we feel very protective towards them, which is good, but ANYONE who we think is trying to muscle in on them makes us feel very unsettled.
This is what your MIL is doing, she is over excited and trying to grab any time and attention she can with your LO.
Things that helped me were to actually answer for the baby, for instance about visitin Grannys house,reply that visits alone will be lovely when she is older and more independent.
Setting expectations is important for everyone, when my MIL had Dp she was 17 and both DH and his sister when she arrived used to go to the granparents every weekend for overnight stays.
When I had Ds I was 37, very independent and didn't need respite time.
Things have got better over time with me and DH being very clear about boundaries.
We now have 3 Ds s and she has backed off to a comfortable level.
Her Daughter is now pregnant and lives in the same town as MIL so I predict we are now off scot fee
Hang in there, keep DP on side, and remember it is because all yor maternal instincts have kicked in properly that you are feeling like this.

[weefriend]

She sounds like one of those people who does lots of little things that in themselves are not really worth getting upset about but they accumulate to make you feel terrible. It's very manipulative and very hard to deal with because when you try and explain to anyone what is going on it just all sounds like nothing. If you are not naturally confrontational it's really hard to call her on it. You really need your BF to be on your side here.

[CrapBag]

FWIW, I am married so not relevant, but I have never really liked the idea of my children having a different name to me. Tell your DP you want to double barrel your names and do it. You aren't being silly in how you feel at all.