Mother 'hopes to god I'm not having a girl'

[abayababe]

First time posting but been a lurker for a long time, please be gentle, I'am expecting number 3, and have a lovely dd and ds aged 4 and 2, have always kept the sex a surprise, so mother was on the phone the other day speculating what I was going to have, due in April, then she came out with I hope to god you are not having a girl, do you know why? beacause X (dd) will kill her just like you used to kill your younger sister and that the age gap would be the same between my dd and this new baby as the gap between me and my younger sister which was about 5yrs, now me and my sis used to kill each other, usual sibling stuff and really only became close in our late teens and we often joke about what we used to do to each other now. Now mother is a bit of a narcissist and probably looking back I did crave attention as a child and my younger sister did get doted on and obviously I acted out alot, but I put that down to bad parenting on their part and hope not to do the same with my kids. I'am just really upset that my mother has this opinion of my dd, she has a very strong personality and is quite fiery but gets on great with her little brother and is very loving with him, this has just been driving me mad all weekend, I just think its a horrible thing to say, if I brought up how upset I was with her and the reason why, she would probably deny she ever said it or accuse my of being hormonal, she just came out with it out of the blue and quite honestly right now I wouldnt care if I never spoke to her again. aibu???

[Katey1010]

YANBU. I hope you have a lovely healthy new LO and who cares what flavour it is

[TattyDevine]

Tell her you've still got some kill left in you...

[TickettyBoo]

Sorry but on the basis of what information you give I would say YABU, I can imagine my mum saying the same thing about me and my sisters (3 of us) as we used to fight like cat and dog...and I don't put that down to bad parenting - for ME that would just be a cop out to "blame the parents" - it's just the way it was.

[ratspeaker]

Siblings fight and squabble no matter what the sex or age gap

Can I say that there is around 5 years between my sister and I
She is now one of my best friends

Try to put the silly and ill considered remark to one side and enjoy our new baby when he/she arrives

[Animation]

Yep your mum sounds like a narcissist. You need some distance from her, and don't let her put your dd down.

Look after YOURSELF and your kids.

[Tortington]

i didn't want two girls for that reason

[pointydug]

yanb u.

I'd say it's down to parenting first, then individual personality rather than any problem to do with two girls.

[Animation]

Playing kids off against each other is not "normal" OK parenting by the way.

[blueshoes]

2 boys would be murder. Tell your mother that.

[thirtysomething]

When I was expecting my first, my mother said she didn't think it would be a girl, as girls are an "abherration" (Sp?)

I have never really forgiven her for that comment, as, after years of therapy, I have realised that she is deeply narcissistic and has spent my whole life criticising me and making me feel worthless behind a public veneeer of doting mother/grandmother.

So, no, you A def NBU. Whatever he reasons for saying it it's extremely hurtful to both you and your DD and very undermining of your parenting skills. IMHO it's a very inadequate parent who blames sibling rivalry/attention seeking on the children themselves.

Congratulations and best wishes for your baby, whatever its gender.

[junktrunk]

I've two girls with a 4yr gap up to now they get on really well weather that changes or not when theyre older is down to them and their personnalities not whether your a bad parent or not. I was the eldest of 5 siblings with only 6 yrs between us we all killed each other and loved each other in equall quanties we are all in our 30's now and are all the best of freinds!! good luck to you and your baby.. Tell your mum to get a grip it's all part of growing up!!

[abayababe]

I agree with alot of you and thank you for being so forthright, just to add that they're was 6 of us in total so am fully aware of the dynamics but I do think my parents well my mother could have made things easier on herself if she so blatently did not favour one child over another, siblings fight anyway regardless, but im not my mother and I hope my children will never feel less loved over another, im sure they're will be rivalry and I'm well equiped to deal with that, its just her opinion of my dd who she sees once a year as we live overseas.

[undercovamutha]

YABU. I regularly comment on how glad I am that DS is a boy, mainly cos DD couldn't stand the competition, and I couldn't stand the trauma!

DD is wonderful, loving, charming and kind. I love her more than anything. But she is a diva. And there's only room for one diva in this household!!!!

(disclaimer - when pg with DS, I of course was only concerned with having a healthy baby, never occurred to me to prefer a DS or DD. However, that was before my DD reached age three!)

[bubblewrapped]

looking back I did crave attention as a child and my younger sister did get doted on and obviously I acted out alot, but I put that down to bad parenting on their part and hope not to do the same with my kids

my dd, she has a very strong personality and is quite fiery

and is that bad parenting too?

[Animation]

Yes, blatent favouritism is a cruel thing to do to kids - and it's bound to make kids act out for attention.

With Narcissistic parents though there's always a golden child and a scapegoated child - and they do the same with their grandkids - if they get the chance. Don't let her.

[abayababe]

bubblewrapped, (I don't know how to quote your comment in your post) but I'm not sure what you mean, dd being fiery and strong is her personality and I'm certain genetic, she is very very like me, she can be challengeing for sure and I have to guide her and rein her in at times, but thats just the way she is and I would'nt have her any other way, 'parenting' is a work in progress, I do believe you are born with your personality traits in place.

[JamieLeeCurtis]

I think your mum's remark was a insensitive. It seems to me she's not saying anything about your daughter, it's all about your relationship with your sister, and therefore about youabout and that's why it's so upsetting. Why she would choose to point out the sibling difficulties you had at such a happy time I don't know. Maybe your instincts are right - she didn't manage normal sibling rivalry very well, chosing instead to blame one or other child.

[JamieLeeCurtis]

sorry extra about in my post above. Hope you get the gist anyway!

[SummerRain]

dd and ds1 absolutely murder each other... they're 6 and 4. almost 2yo ds2 is starting to join in now.

Nothing to do with gendar or parentling.... siblings just have a tendancy to start ripping chunks out of each other once they get to a certain age.

[borderslass]

Me and my brother fought like cat and dog doesn't matter whether its girls or boys if they have a clash of personalities they will fight its normal.My 2 older sisters however didn't there was only 15 months between them.

[bubblewrapped]

Abayababe, what I mean is, you see your own bad behaviour as a child as being due to bad parenting, but you are saying your own child is "very very like me" and that you are "born with your personality traits", but are not blaming that on YOUR bad parenting.

I am not saying you are a bad parent, but you seem to be saying even though your behaviour was your parents fault, you daughters carbon copy behaviour isnt your fault.

As for saying "I would'nt have her any other way", you will almost certainly be regretting those words when your daughter is a bit older.

[Animation]

Bubblewrapped - sounds like you're playing devil's advocate.

[thelibster]

Whether or not kids fight is down to their personalities rather than gender or age gap imho. I have a family roughly the same as yours will be in 15 years or so(assuming dc3 turns out to be a girl). They have their spats as all siblings do, but they all love one another to bits and, however much they may call each other over various things from time to time, should an outsider attack anyone one of them they'll turn as one body and the attacker had better watch out! Congratulations on the impending birth and enjoy your new baby, whatever the sex!

[Underachieving]

There's only 12 months between me and my younger sister and we damn nearly killed each other more times than I can count. YANBU to be annoyed that someone expresses a low oppinion of, or low expectations for one of your children. Never speaking to her again is a bit unreasonable though, IMHO.