to be upset that family find my children hard work

[kissingfrogs]

I need by butt kicking to shake of the upset I feel that my family seem to have zero tolerance for my children (5 and 6). They're good girls (honestly) but are typical children - noisy, messy, silly. My family aren't children orientated so find them a bit too much so don't seem to take any pleasure in them. I feel quite upset because I feel that though I'm welcome, my children are not.

Am I just being a sad muppet that should accept that some people just don't "do" children and stop taking it so much to heart?

[Limara]

Family as in?

[jemimapotts]

It's very upsetting isn't it? when you say your family who do you mean? You may find as the girls get older it gets better. Try and hang on in there.

[Vallhala]

I wouldn't put it quite like that but some people just aren't that wild about children. I'm one of them, with a very few exceptions I just don't particularly like other people's children and I certainly don't like very small ones.

Often it's been said on here that just because we find our children wonderful doesn't mean that others do or are obliged to. I think that this is something which you will just have to accept whilst bearing in mind that your little girls might be far more interesting to your family when they are a bit older and past the noisy, messy, silly stage.

My own two have 19 months between them, I remember the aged 5 and 6 noisy, messy, silly stage all too well. :)

[bubblewrapped]

When you say noisy and messy, does this mean they misbehave when they go to other peoples houses?

In which case, then you need to teach them when it is appropriate to sit quietly and not dash around.

People who dont have small children living in their house often dont have a child-safe house, and also have ornaments on display that they dont want to be picked up, or broken.

[Limara]

Your right,some people just don't "do" children.

It's difficult to stop taking it so much to heart when it's your family (not sure who you mean though).

Just because they are family, they aren't going to feel the same way you do about your kids.

Not nice though aye?

Can't these family members start spending quality quieter time like cinema visits etc?

[kissingfrogs]

mother, father and sister.
I don't let my girls go wild in their houses, but it seems that any childish behaviour (spilling drinks, too much chatting, wanting attention) is seen as bad behaviour as if they're dysfunctional adults. To me it's just small children being small children, they do act differently from grown-ups!
On the other hand, I'm used to the noisiness of them (talking too loudly, squabbling etc) and am very tolerant. I think that you kind of get immune to it all, it's normal, whereas to non-children households it's bedlam.

[bubblewrapped]

To be fair, spilling drinks is going to be bloody annoying. Chatting and wanting attention too if it means they are constantly interrupting adults who are trying to have a conversation.

I know it sounds a bit old fashioned, but it doesnt do any harm to teach them to be still and fairly calm and quiet, and polite when they are inside other peoples houses.

Squabbling and bickering probably goes over your head, but to others will probably be very tiresome.

[bubblewrapped]

(by "over your head", I mean you probably dont notice it, in the same way I can sort of go selectively deaf when my stepkids are bickering... )it ends up being a sort of white noise that you are used to.. if you know what I mean..

[mommmmyof2]

It is a shame you have to feel that way as you are never going to be at ease when you go round and visit.

My family are great but I do often feel like my dc are being watched when they have food or drink and followed around the house.Can make you feel on edge.

But most children do play and well 'be children' and as long as they are not wreking the house and respecting other people's homes (family or not) then I don't see the problem.

[CameronCook]

I have a lovely lovely friend but find her 5yo very hard work.

She continually interrupts; fiddles with everything - ie thinks nothing of grabbing my laptop down to use without asking; demands food or just goes in the cupboard and helps herself etc etc

These are things that she does at home and I'm sure lovely friend considers as normal child type stuff, but DD wouldn't do this at home and certainly wouldn't do it elsewhere.

I don't dislike the girl, just feel on edge when she is around.

[borderslass]

Once your children grow up you tend to get less tolerant of 'normal' behaviour when mine where small I didn't notice noise I became immune to it but I hate it now, likes of spilling drinks would really annoy me if that happened they'd be drinking them at the table like mine had to.

[kissingfrogs]

I'm pretty strict on manners, and food/drinks have to be at the table n my house or anyone elses. The constant attention thing can be too much but I'm used to it - I just repeat myself like an automatom. As their mother I just go into the zone ("white noise"). On the other hand, if family were to actively engage with the girls there'd be far less trying for attention. The go-in-the-other-room-and-be-quiet isnt always fair on them.

To be honest, my girls dad was the same in that he found dds hard to tolerate unless i was there to intervene. Maybe thats at the heart of my upset and makes me care too much how family feels about my girls.

[Scuttlebutter]

Kissing - I'm another one who finds small children exhausting, boring, noisy and unpredictable. I don't find spilled drinks, spilled food, fiddling with objects or shouting remotely attractive. I dislike children who have not been taught manners - by which I mean not interrupting, not having tantrums for no good reason, and reasonable age appropriate table manners. Realise I am probably an old gimmer.

However, once kids get past that stage and reach about 7/8 when they can talk sensibly, interact and have fun, I am usually entranced and we gladly spend time with/entertain/visit assorted family sprogs and offspring of friends. We are very conscientous about buying birthday and Christmas presents, and cards.

If people don't have kids themselves, or don't work with them then they may not know how to interact. Also (and this may not apply to you) these days parents are far more "precious" about who handles their kids, how they are managed etc. Faced with an uber-mummy, many people may just find it simpler to let her get on with it.

Also am completely baffled by people who post on here that their family hasn't come to DC's 1st, 2nd or 3rd birthday party. I would rather cut off my own arm with a blunt penknife than go to a toddler's birthday party. And be honest, can you really remember which aunties turned up at your fourth or fifth birthday party? I can't.

[TattyDevine]

I see where you are coming from Kissingfrogs. Of course there is appropriate and inappropriate behaviour etc and I'm sure you know the difference but even if you didn't, if you are talking about your actual parents, hell, it'd be nice to feel unconditional love towards their grandchildren regardless of how messy/silly/etc they are.

My children are my parents only grandchildren and they would just be so made up to have them in easy visiting distance (they live on the other side of the world) that they couldn't give a monkeys what they get up to (as it goes they are fairly well behaved for their ages which is 3 and 1, so we are talking very little). But it gives a bit of perspective...they sort of dont know when they are lucky! Having said that I dont think they should trash their house or disrespect their belongings but I dont think that's what we are talking about here.

Awful to have to mind every little thing you say, every little moood or gesture and feel judged and scrutinised like that.

[onceamai]

Everyone's definition of noise, messy silly is a bit different I think. I thought ours were noise, messy and silly at that age, so did my mum .....and then SIL1 and hers came for a visit. On the bright side though, my mum wasn't too keen when the dc were very small but was brilliant when they got just the other side of 5, so don't give up hope. Have to say though, had they spilled a drink more than once in her house or mine, they would have been drinking at the kitchen table.

[thumbdabwitch]

My Dad is a bit like that - he finds small children hard to tolerate unless they are impeccably behaved and visibly winces at their noise. Worse, he imbues them with adult attitudes - so when they don't want to see what he is showing them straight away, or don't want to play the way he wants them to, he gets in a huff! He actually finds the younger ones harder - 2-4 age, by the time they're 6 he's dealing better with them.

It can be quite upsetting - I had to tell Dad that he was being unreasonable in the way he stormed off when DS (aged 2) didn't want to play with the hats that Dad was showing him - he improved a bit but still...

[Coralanne]

My small DGC have those spillproof cups with lids on at my home.

The 5 and 7 year old just help themselves from the water cooler. They know they have to sit at their own small table to eat and drink though.

I don't really care what they do but it's my DH that can't tolerate the noise that goes with small children.

I also have a spare room which is "theirs".

They can do what they like within reason in there.

[Chil1234]

YABU... a big benefit of being part of an extended family means children get to experience lots of different 'parenting' styles. Some grandparents/uncles/etc can be far stricter on children than indulgent parents and it does them no harm whatsoever in the same way as other family members are as soft as grease & spoil children rotten when parents are trying to be very strict.

Rather than complaining about your family, tell your children that at granny's house they have to mind their Ps and Qs. There is more than one way of treating children and, unless you plan to live in glorious isolation, they will benefit from it.

[Fennel]

I think it's just normal. My mother finds my children squabbly and hard work, in fact I think they are all on the easy side but she finds having more than one of them a bit stressful, and she's not that old or infirm.

DP's mother spends her time telling me "I don't feel sorry for you", and last time we visited with the dc, after 5 minute she said, "it'll be nice when you've gone"! Admittedly she has Alzheimers but she was like this before too.

We're just used to it, many older people and childless people aren't that into children. You forget, when you have them, what pests they can seem from the outside.

[Changing2011]

I dont "do" other peoples children, cant abide them.

But my DD is perfect in my eyes, so YANBU. If your family cant get over themselves they are not worth spending time with.

[mumbar]

I know what you mean as my friend has dd's same age difference. Little older now.

I love her and her girls but a visit from them/ to them was (is but to a lesser extent now) very difficult. Its not they're being deliberatly naughty they are just full on, always running around shreiking, drinks getting knocked over etc. Fine in her house, not so in my flat. .

I have solved the drinks one by drinks being in kitchen only.

Its probably different expectations and I think its reasonable for children to learn the their house their rules 'rule' at this age.

Maybe take some board games around that your girls can play with the GP's and Daunt, get them all involved together.

[mumbar]

sorry I've written your girls, meant you children.

[purpleandpink]

We have 5 children, and as such it is often easier to have people here, where they know the house rules, have all their things around them etc than go to other peoples houses which are perhaps not so child friendly. When we visit others, especially those without kids or whose kids are older, I do feel very conscious of the level of noise/mess that they are making. Of course we don't let them run wild, but the youngest are 1 and 2 for example so it's a challenge to get them to sit still and not touch.

What helps is to take toys and games with you - paper and pencils (never felt pens!! ), jigsaw puzzles, cars....anything relatively quiet. We also take a board game which we encourage Nanny/Grandad etc to play with the children. If (when ) you notice it getting out of hand ie the kids are getting louder and/or the relatives are sighing and looking at their watches suggest a walk to collect leaves/go to the park/jump in puddles or whatever. That way the kids will (hopefully) race off ahead and burn off some energy while you can actually finish a conversation.

You would like to think they would accept them for what they are but it is true that as your children reach different stages you forget what it was like when they were noisy and full of beans - my youngest 2 were a shock, even though we had 3 older ones because I had forgotten just how exhausting it can be. I have to admit I feel the same about friends with teens who to me seem shockingly rude, and I wonder why the parents don't deal with it.......but I'm sure when mine are teens I'll understand it better!

You can't change them but you can be prepared for it, get them over to you as much as possible and keep the visits short and sweet for now.

Finally, bribery usually works too "if you're good and play nicelt when Nanny is here, we can watch a film and have sweets this afternoon" for example.......obviously we don't do this ALL the time, but when all else fails.......

[clevercloggs]

im the most child friendly person you could wish for - adore kids and wanted to be a nursery nurse for a long time, still would probably if I could take the pay cut but I digress.

I have gotten out of the habit of having screaming, bickering, noisy, lovely, messy, adorable children around me and when I go to my sister's and she has her nieces there, I am so glad when its time for them to leave. If I was with them every day no doubt I would get back into the habit, but I kind of like being a grown up now and in grown up company.

Mind you I would be totally different if it was my own grandchildren, I would be the doting granny 24/7 lol